Skip to content

Maiara Musings

"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein

Monthly Archives: June 2013

Hi Everyone, I hope that you had an uneventful week. My week was very stressful but not entirely bad. Even the fact that my ex ended up moving back to the house paled on the side of what happened to my daughter and the scare I got. That is why this week I wrote an essay about Fragile Life and Teenage Parenting and how everything gets in to perspective when very the scary and unexpected happens. I hope that this essay will give you something to think about and to truly appreciate that the teenagers, however annoying, are part of us and with everything we should just be grateful that they are alive. I wish you wonderful week ahead and thank you for visiting Maiara Musings, I will be posting next Sunday again.

Blog Teens

Picture Taken by Maiara

Fragile Life and Teenage ParentingAn Essay written by KKMaiaraM

And so it happened that in an instant she turned from one frustrated mother who was ready to show the door to one very impossible teenager to a sobbing nerve wreck that sat on the stairs behind closed doors at work thanking the universe and Buddha and all the other Gods on earth that the same daughter was still alive. The moment was earth shattering and her mind went blank, for there is nothing in this world worse than losing a child and even a thought of the possibility losing a child is so horrendous that all the other issues fade instantly to the oblivion and the darkness fills the soul.

After the first shock subsided and the mother’s mind got around understanding that her daughter is not only ok, but she is actually trying to calm the crying, desperately scared mom of hers so that she would realize that nothing bad had happened at the end. Finally the mother pulled herself together and told her daughter to go to  church and say prayer of thanks for her life. Only after the phone conversation was over, did her mind reel back the dialogue to the very beginning. And this is what she heard: “Mom, guess what? Something happened to me yesterday. You know that intersection where I had to change the bus around 4 pm, well mom, I was waiting for light to change and when it turned green something came over me and I stopped to check my phone, then few moments later I was about to start crossing when this accident happened. And mom, it was this big crash of two cars and flames came up. I did a cross sign mom and then this car pumper flew right over my head and hit the bus behind my back. But mom, I did not panic I was ok and no mom I did not stay to wait for the police and yes mom the drivers had these fancy big cars and they were ok but its ok mom I am ok and I just went to wait for my bus after….” While she was still sitting on the dark staircase trying to digest the conversation, the ever so familiar sound of received text from the phone penetrated her consciousness and with teary eyes she reached to the phone.

There it was, written in a hurry and with so typical style of misspelling and jumble of words that only her daughter was capable of, the follow-up text message of assurance. The smile spread over her sad face while she read these wonderful words that her daughter, who was very much alive, had written and the fragments of the message were like nectar to her soul: “….I will always be ok….you can’t keep me from trying nre things and taking risks…..in sorry that scared you…..I will jever leave u i love you……i get mad only ecause im trying to survive as a teen in a crazy world like this……but i love you”. She took a deep breath and stepped back to the world on the other side of the door. But nothing was the same, for starters her stomach was hurting and this heavy feeling of impermanence of life followed her the rest of the day. The thoughts followed her until late evening when she had to sit down and write an essay about fragile life and teenage parenting. She was hoping that by the time the essay was finished she would have gained new insight to her relationship with her highly impossible teenager and to her parenting techniques which were obviously not working anyway, since just that morning she was ready to have her daughter move out to live with her dad.

Teenage parenting, there is two very emotionally loaded words put together and at the other end are the cries of desperation from the miserable parents trying to figure out what it means. For certainly there are as many parenting techniques out there as there are parents with teenagers and whatever might work for one may be a looming disaster for another. Among the few simple questions that arise from this highly messed up situation are these: What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? and What am I supposed to do? Look at me, my daughter did not even tell me about the accident until the following day, for she did not think that it would have been such a big deal. I am not even trying to understand the flow of thought, for how can it not be a big deal when I know that she runs out from the room almost in a panic if somebody is even remotely looking like they are getting sick or if they are bleeding. The teenage brain must be some alien entity which includes the part where the memory of those years will be erased once they reach the adulthood, for how can you otherwise explain the masses of middle-aged parents screaming clueless for help.

There are countless ways to approach this subject matter of which I have tried several, some techniques have been successful but mostly nothing really works. The one of the good ones is of course the old-fashioned poker face that never fails if you have practiced it enough. That has calmly gotten me through some interesting situations like the time she pulled out an EMPTY raspberry flavored Smirnoff vodka bottle out from her purse calmly exclaiming that she did indeed drink it with her friends but it is not that strong!!!!! Or the time she came home with her neck suspiciously covered with the scarf and when I voiced my opinion of such a marks and heard her shock of disgust after I admitted that her dad had once very, very long time ago done a mark on my neck too. Well, what is the difference again? I guess parents for the teenager are mainly sexless, brainless and boring naggers, who have bottomless pockets for their constant money needs and who don’t deserve a life. However, the reason that the poker face works is that when the parent manages to be non judgmental and calm in a situation, the chances are that it does not arise negative atmosphere but that of loving understanding (remember the rules of the poker, cheating is allowed and you can win as long as you won’t get caught). That understanding does not have to be deeper than the facial expressions, for to get into the argument over an EMPTY vodka bottle is rather useless since that vodka has already been consumed long ago in all ignorance of youth. The main thing is to keep the communication channels open and if the teenager feels that it is safe to be honest with the parent then less sneaking around will happen and it is better for the parent to know than not to know.

There is also of course the nagging, begging, pleading, threatening and bribing approach that every one of those teenage parents have at least once reduced themselves to. It is like a song with well-known verses. You start with the nagging, but that is only after countless kind words of asking and reasoning, words of futile attempt to reach the ears of the receiver. The ears totally deaf to anyone over 20 years of age. Once the parent is forced to change the tone of her voice it immediately gets labeled under nagging, and surprisingly enough nagging never works so then comes the next stage of begging. That, if one is really lucky, does work sometimes depending on how easy the task for the teenager is, harder the task less likely to work so it is time to raise the stakes to pleading and that has to be done with skill so that there is visual distress on parents face to gain some sympathy points, for there is a consciousness somewhere well hidden under the tough surface of know it all and I will do it later attitude. We all know that at this point the task has been accomplished for most of the time, but then there are those moments of complete frustration where the fuming words of threat are said in great anger and the war of wills has been declared. That, as anyone can attest, can escalate to rather nasty encounters with great regrets on both sides and to the silent defeat of the parent, which then leads to the last, but most successful, parenting technique of bribing. Bribing of course is looked upon those without the children the horror of parenting, for they would never, ever do it if they had kids, but then again what do they know. They have no kids. And those who have no experience with the teenagers are just not qualified to judge.

How about approaching the situation from the other angle. Lets consider the direct consequence, trust and faith method instead. Most certainly this approach has been quite easy when the little monsters were just that, little. But as their actions and mouth  got bigger the faith and trust meter might have fallen quite low and what the heck is the consequence for smoking weed, drinking, having sex and failing grades for sheer laziness anyway? The direct consequence takes some bold talk from the parents. If one is worried that the daughter is going to get pregnant then it is better to decide what is it that one can handle. It is better to be straightforward on matter and tell her that mom is not going to be a babysitter nor is she going to lose even one night of sleep watching over the baby. Or to mention that if they don’t want to study, then that is their choice, however their salaries and quality of life are not necessarily going to be what they expect and that the parents home is not a hotel with the free service. Importantly enough parents should have trust on their kids. They should let the teenager know that they are needed, for with the trust comes expectations and you would be surprised to know how powerful the feeling of being trusted and counted on is. That feeling of being needed makes them want to succeed and to live up to expectations. Even if they don’t always do the things the way the parent had envisioned it, if the intention was there and they proudly did the task, it is essential that the parents give the positive feedback for the work well done. And at the end of the day, it is the faith on future, the faith on greater good, the faith on something bigger than us that keeps us going, trusting that our teenagers are safe and that eventually they will find their place in this world.

Since we live in a world of heightened awareness for equality, there is one more thing that we as the parents have to take in consideration while deciding how to handle the very explosive situation of teenage parenting. How about our own attitude? Maybe there is a grain of truth in our daughters and sons exclamations, when they with the heavy sigh look at us declaring that we are directly from the dark ages. Our world has radically changed since we were teenagers and what used to be looked upon as extreme behavior at our times has now become an everyday norm it seems. Things like cell phones – thank god for those for it was the cell phone that saved the life of my daughter this week, had she not stopped to look at it before crossing she would have walked straight into the middle of that horrendous accident. The fashion – which seems to lean towards less and less material, if they keep reducing the amount of fabric the rate the skirt length is going up and the waistline going down they will sell themselves out of business for certainly the next fashion trend must be that of no clothes at all. The visual media – all the horrors of the world are bombarded to their brains while they are surfing the internet or watching the TV where the extreme acts of violence are as plentiful as sand on the beach. The information –  not only is huge amounts of data available for them but they are actually supposed to sort and process it in their still developing hormone fogged brains. I can’t even continue the list for my heart goes out to my daughter. Her life is far cry from my teenage years, where I had no cell phone, no computer, not even remotely sexy looking clothes in a closet, the TV had 3 channels and  my free time I spent mainly reading and doing sports while the homework assignments were dutifully done in a library sorting through the rows and rows of dusty books. As you can see the life then was very simple, sure enough the fundamental problem of being a teenager was there and the fights with parents as well, not to mention that I did indeed think that my parents were for sure straight from the dark ages….

The point I am trying to make is this: Maybe we should consider parenting our teenagers with more compassion, love, trust and humor in hopes that they would not shut us out from their alien lifestyle. For at the end of the day most important thing is that they will learn to trust their own judgement and to do their own decisions with the knowledge that the mistakes they make are theirs to make but that they are also the ones who have to live with the consequences. This is all natural part of growing up, and our teenagers are going to be alright as long as they have the knowledge of unconditional love, acceptance and support that only us parents can give them.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Picture taken by KKMaiaraM

Hi everyone,

I hope that your week has passed peacefully. I am today going to discuss the transition I am in. I am finally less than a month away from this unimaginable moment of my dream of getting keys to my freedom. For those of you who haven’t followed my blog, I only post once a week, that is Sundays and I try to be very consistent on that. Those of you who have read my posts previously would know that this is direct reference to my essay “House or is it Home” and I would strongly recommend that if you have not yet read that essay you should read it in order to get deeper understanding why this moment is such a wonderful feeling of anticipation for me. For me the last few weeks in this old house, which definitely has not been my home, are going to be somewhat strenuous because my ex announced that he will be moving back to live here. I hope that you will enjoy reading my essay which I simply named “Home….I am almost there.”

HOME….I AM ALMOST THERE

…so that when I finally open the door to my new home I know what to do and I know that everything from then on will be as it should. I also know that I won’t be crying anymore because my dream home will be filled with laughter…

As those of you who have read my essay “My Home or is it House” can recognize that the beginning was taken directly from that essay. What better way to start countdown to my new life than reminding myself of the dream I had last summer when I wrote it. I have less than the month left for that very magical moment of getting a new key to my rental townhouse. Even getting it was a complete miracle and I like to believe that it was direct result of universe giving me what I asked from my very heart.

I saw those townhouses in a winter time when I drove past them and realized that they were the only rental townhouses on that area where I wanted to move, and this feeling of belonging came over me. I called them few months back but nobody returned my call. Somehow I was not able forget them, even though changes for me getting one were very slim, since there are only about 30 units in a whole complex and people living there seem to be very well settled. However, because I am a rather determined individual and a dreamer I don’t usually let little practical issues to come my way, I just keep dreaming. That is the power of Law of Attraction, when you believe in something completely without any doubt and send all the goodness to the universe by believing in humanity and beauty of the world the good things will come to you when the time is right. The Law of Attraction truly works, and is one very powerful tool for us to transform our lives. But that will be the subject of another essay, right now I like to describe for you how it feels to find a home.

There I was, in a rain with my son walking down a path between the townhouses to the superintendents unit. We were both very excited and somewhat nervous. The townhouses looked little rundown and clearly the people living there are not exactly kind who take great pride to their surroundings. It is one thing to be short on money and struggle on everyday life but that does not give any excuse for not being clean. Being clean and putting some beauty to your surroundings can be something as simple as going out, picking up little flowers and putting them nicely on a windowsill behind the clean windows. It could even be the moment of raking the grass and pulling out weeds while having a refreshing drink at hand and a big smile on your face. Or how about spending some time cleaning inside the house, cherishing the few items that we have, the items we need, love and which bring joy to our lives. Then with happiness in our hearts our house becomes truly our home. After the chores are done we can sit down with a nice cup of well steeped tea, let out a big sigh, put our feet up and relax while enjoying the freshness, beauty, calm and happiness of our home. Everyone should always remember that the beauty is on the eye of the beholder, I am not talking about fancy house here but about the home that has been put together by the experience of our life; a home that speaks to us and reminds us of all the goodness, memories and joys in  our lives, a home that mirrors who we truly are.

After we knocked on that superintendents door, we heard this very loud barking of dogs inside. I sent out a little prayer that please don’t let the unit be beside him. So of course it wasn’t, but on the other building across. So in we went, we wandered from room to room and my son already was all excited choosing the bigger room for himself than that his sister would get. In a meanwhile I was utterly delighted to see that in a kitchen there was a perfect spot just underneath the window to put my high chair and that space was to be for my kids to do their homework while I cook, or for me putting a candle at night and sitting there writing letters with the glass of wine. Everything was pretty clean and luckily there was no carpets, only hardwood floors. And you are not going to believe this, there was a fenced backyard, very tiny for sure and extremely neglected and about half the size of  my current front lawn but so perfect. I can weed it in no time, if I put one flower in there it will really look beautiful because you can see it. With little effort and money, I will be able to transform that backyard to something wonderful, to something that makes it mine and reminds me of how lucky I am to be able have my dream of peaceful home come true.

I said to my son that it does not matter how the neighborhood looks like, we make our home beautiful and inviting and we will build our little life there for now temporarily, it is us who make a home not the neighbours. It is the three of us who from now on have power to transform that empty, foreign townhouse to a home that we can truly appreciate, and where we can finally after all these years relax without having to worry about what kind of atmosphere  is waiting when we come home. We are not going to be criticized, lied to and manipulated anymore, but we do have lots of work ahead of us to unlearn the old patterns of negativity learned from the past. Each one of us have to relearn to be kind, understanding and loving to each other now that the dominating negative force field has been removed from our lives. We have to realize that respect and honesty are the everyday normal not something you experience only on special occasions.

This moving requires several very practical aspects I have had to learn to deal with. It requires so much reality that I am ready to cry. There is the packing, the obvious chore which, by the way, is not that obvious for someone trying to get out from abusive relationship. When deciding what to pack, it is not only important to know what is it that you need but more important question is: Do you want to move memories? In my case, I don’t want any memories other than my children. So when for example choosing what to pack I did have to consider the situation when the item was bought and who took care of it and used it. I did not want any gardening tools because those we have shared, I did not want any furniture that we bought together, I definitely did not want any of his items that he brought to our marriage and I am not planning to take any plates etc, for those we chose together. And the washing machine that my parents actually bought and I chose as gift I can’t take either because he was few years back so ignorant that he stood on top of it and managed to scratch the top, so that every time I do laundry I remember him. By weeding out the memories, I have done serious downsizing on my physical property and I am just going to have to do without most of the things I am used to having. Then there is the question of bills, getting phone, internet, changing addresses on government documents etc. The list is endless and I have had several months of sleepless nights because of that. I also have to learn to buy insurances and balance the budget all on my own and I am sure that there are few surprises around the corner that luckily I don’t even know about yet.

However, when all this is said and done, I have to say that I would not have it any other way. I am so close to my dream, I did not end up on social housing at least not yet, and my entire life is about to change. It may be financially very hard, but that is nothing compared to my past which I am happily leaving behind. I have no regrets or sad thoughts over losing the house I am in now for all it represents for me is my past I rather forget. I will not dwell in memories of all the nights  I cried myself to sleep in this house. Nor do I have any emotional attachment to my material wealth for I have learned the hard way the importance of being surrounded by the people who truly love me, not the one that always hurts me. Finally, in few weeks I can say my goodbyes to this house and say hello to my new home. The difference this time around is that now I am so much wiser, so much more grateful for everything I have. Finally I can look way back with a long telescope for all those rather painful experiences that have allowed me to grow to this woman I am turning out to be without feeling any bitterness and anger for … my dream home will be filled with laughter…

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Picture taken by KKMaiaraM

Hi Everyone,

Thank You for visiting Maiara Musings, and I hope that you had a great week. This week I was stuck in a traffic and the weather was very gray and rainy so while sitting on that long lineup of cars I took my notebook on my lap and this poem came to me. This business of divorce has been very hard on me and it seems that all the lessons I learn have to be hard way. I am hoping that they are not going to be too costly at the end. Also, a positive, or at least I thought it was positive u until I met with my lawyer, update to my life is that I did finally find housing for me and the kids. Now I am really worried that I might not get money on time to pay for the rent, since my ex is really fighting with everything. Well, I am just fighting panic with action and optimistic view of my future, at least I know for sure that at the end I will be divorced regardless and that nobody is going to hurt me emotionally anymore. I hope you will enjoy my poem.

PS: I have still not been able to figure out how could I format my poems the way I wish them, somehow I just don’t know how but I am working on it, maybe one day I will figure it out better.

Sincerely, Maiara

Rush Hour – Poem       Written by KKMaiaraM

Local radio news streaming into my brain……To the mind as foggy as the air….Dark thoughts falling…                               Like the rain from the sky

Endless lines of cars….Every street so jammed…. But nothing compared…..To the raising panic inside

Time is running…..I have no housing…..Two kids to feed…..Their needs to meet

I am softly crying…..Lots of thinking…..Lots of honking…..Everyone is rushing

I feel so alone on my way home…..Raindrops are a wonder of life…..So beautiful so plentiful…..                 I realize I  am not forlorn

Tunnel is part of my journey…..I am claustrophobic so dark and noisy…..It just reminds me of my housing…..And the reasons I am divorcing

Finally the traffic is moving…..But I am not moving for I have no housing…..And that, let me tell you…..     Is highly depressing

Tags: , , , , , ,

Hi Everyone,

Before I let you read my essay I just like to give you a little update on my reality. THERE IS LOVE AFTER ABUSE. It was over a year ago I wrote this essay and now is about 1 year since I have  been living alone with my kids. I have found my true love and for all of you who are doubting that it could ever happen to you keep believing.

I wish you all have a good week and thank you for following Maiara Musings

Sincerely, Maiara

IMG00541

Picture Taken by Maiara

Is There Love after Abuse?

An Essay, written by KKMaiaraM

This essay is of universal topic of love. I understand that there are countless other essays around about love, and that it might be overly idealized item any way, but I have to write about it because if I don’t I won’t be able to continue my life as a whole woman.  What an irony in life that me, the dreamer and absolute romantic, married a narcissist who turned out to be as romantic as petrified wood. Any of you who are cohabited a house with a narcissist can attest that the only love going around the person in question is the absolute self-love, and entitlement to get all the attention and admiration, anyone else is nonexistent and the word romance does not even exist in a vocabulary.

The reason for my need to write this essay is this man I have been friends with for so many years. I have grown to love him unconditionally and to accept him completely just the way he is. I realized this week because I saw him with his family and that he was very cold towards me, that just because I love him and that he likes me and thinks I am sexy (he told me that if I don’t know that I have sexy legs, then I have been spending too much time in a kitchen!!!! )  it does not mean that he will love me back. There might have been a chance of him wanting to love me if I was a complete hermit and never communicated other than listened to him with the smiling face. However,  I have made one commitment to myself as a newly independent woman finally freed from two decades of emotional abuse that under no circumstances am I going to pretend to be someone I am not just to please the other party. Nor am I going to do my things in secrecy for fear of rejection.

Back to the question about love after abuse, is it possible for one so badly bruised and hammered down to find love again. The heart is just a shell, eroded and suffered a lonely long-awaited death during the abusive years. Yet somewhere inside there is this little spark of hope dimming as I write in a shadow of fear of rejection and betrayal. How is one to know if it is possible to trust again, to love again. We were fooled before and thought ourselves so lucky, little did we know. Who is going to tell us if this time is any different? Is it maybe a cycle that keeps repeating?  Or how do we know that we are good enough? Look at me, completely rejected, what was I thinking? That someone actually could love all of me… not regardless but because of all the little quirks and oddities and not so great looks. I just feel very lonely and confused, sitting here alone writing and trying to find my way out of the darkness….. It seems that now I am stuck in self-pity, so I am going to take a break and find a quote that speaks to me and see if I can change the direction of my thoughts towards something more constructive.

……those who seek find….

“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type. 
” 
― Jarod KintzThe Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They’re Over.

“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction….” I feel very strong connection to this particular sentence. I think that I should approach the subject matter from the different angle all together. Maybe, just maybe, one always feels obsession about the person of one’s  affection thus becoming completely blinded to the life around. Our reality becomes almost like a fantasy, and we see and hear only that what fits into our dream while the true underlying message of the other party never reaches our consciousness. As we are staring star eyed for the “love of our life” he simply doesn’t want to hear us thus sending our words to the other direction never letting them to touch him. In a process our words of love will disperse to the great universe and might reach the ears of someone unexpected instead thus leading him to us. The great sadness in it all is that maybe he is the one we are meant to be with but us being blinded to the “great love” of ours we will never hear the words of the person who could truly love us thus sending his words back to the universe. And so the cycle will continue and who knows how many great love stories never got a chance.

I realize now that true love is not what I thought I had with the “love” of my life. How can it be, when during all these years I am the one creating all these fantasies and other than him doing some flirting in a beginning of our relationship he has never, ever being responsive. I truly believe that roots to this kind of relationship lie very deep in our soul. It is very safe to love someone who doesn’t love you back, and create wonderful fantasies of future, for if all the action happens in your imagination at least nobody will ever get close enough to hurt you again. Sure enough, once you realize that you have been rejected it hurts, but for that you can only blame yourself. On the other hand, if you were to admit someone real, a man who actually were to ask you out for dinner and who genuinely would be interested in you and could appreciate all the little oddities that make up your persona the game would become so much more dangerous, for then there is a high chance to be hurt and betrayed again. After going around in circles I am back to the beginning: Is there love after abuse?

I don’t know if it is possible to learn to love again to heal and find trust in another person after such a long time of abuse. I don’t know if anybody can love me, for I do feel very flawed. I don’t even know how to date for according to my teenage daughter I am straight from the dark ages. I don’t know where to find love and I definitely don’t know if my heart is truly broken and damaged or is it just in permafrost ready to start blooming from even a little human affection. I just don’t know the answer to my own question. But I do know this: I will put my foot on the shore and start a new journey. I will keep walking with dignity to my future praying that my heart is not permanently damaged but only in hibernation and once it is truly awakened, then my soul-mate will find me and my words of love will not be bounced back to the universe but will be cherished in a heart of my true love.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

sold1

Hi Everyone,

Just a reminder that I changed my blog looks, but I hope it works for you. I am not entirely practical on these things. I did add an about page on top, so you might want to check it out.

This week I like to discuss the topic of divorce and living quarters. Since it is an inevitable part of separation that our way of life changes radically when we finally pull ourselves together and announce to the other party that enough is enough on our way to the lawyer’s office. I am absolutely certain that I belong to the vast majority of women who have become codependent over the course of their very unfortunate relationship with the abuser making this step seem like a undefeatable obstacle to our freedom and many are those who will not leave the relationship because they can’t see past this one monster of a step. I fully understand, it is very easy to find the comfort in an economical stability and established household. However, for those who have not read my essay “My house or is it home” I would recommend that you read it as well so that you will have clear definition between the house as opposed to home.

My ex was absolutely furious of course when I announced almost a year ago now that I am done talking I am leaving, then he got even more mad at me for not wanting to stay in a house. Our house is one where two families can live separately, upstairs is one and the downstairs is another full apartment, each floor having full kitchen and full laundry options and separate entrances, downstairs is great with big windows and walkout glass doors to the huge garden, whereas upstairs have beautiful solarium. So his idea was very tempting, very safe. I would not have to move at all and in a process we could pay off the mortgage, not to mention that kids would have both parents under the same roof. This, in my opinion is a solution from hell. If I am going to live in hell I might as well try to do it independently, how much worse can it get? So here I am soon to be homeless unless I pull myself together and find place for myself and kids to live by the end of July. But whatever mess I will land in it will be my mess and I will have the power to decide how to handle the situation.

The idea of living under the same roof when divorced might sound ideal for the children and most likely it could work for some, but never ever is it a good idea if one is getting out of abusive relationship. Children would not then get to see the daylight of normal life, for abuse would certainly not stop, it would just reappear in a different but equally harmful form. Only one benefiting from it would be the abuser, he could have it all. But children would forever be confused and manipulated not to mention that they would certainly be very smart and learn to play the game to get materially most from each parent and also if one parent says no all they have to do is run upstairs and certain yes will be awaiting. That I call a parenting nightmare. It is better for the children to live normal if materially poorer life and see how wonderful home can be and how they can also learn to laugh, relax and love again in normal terms. As for the abused she would be stuck in hell, because the tiny power she had while married is now buried under legal papers and by succumbing to his power in staying under same roof, she will never ever have any privacy, nor can she ever relax, because she is going to pay and she is going to be punished by him no matter what the law says. There are so many ways for them to punish us such a way that there is nothing but our word against their word at the end, and of course they are the better liars and so smooth man…… So if you are thinking of this option of sharing the housing after your divorce, think twice and please do not let material matters dictate your future.

Decision made, better to sell the house. Then what? There are many unknowns ahead and many mistakes to be made. I, as my lawyer can attest, have made many very costly decisions. And all of them are because after all these years I still trusted my ex. First the question of real estate agent, I did agree to one that is his friend since long time ago, and I also know him and happen to like him. The main reason was that my ex kept telling me that his friend has lower rates great except that my ex of course did not tell me that very short time ago the agent switched to another company thus having his fees increased considerably. I found out when we were already signing for his contract, and as my ex knows me, I would not break my promise in that situation. Lesson learned do your research and find agent that you can be comfortable with and do not trust whatever comes out from your ex’s mouth. I have to conclude on this matter that at the end I was very happy because he sold our house in 2 weeks and in a process I confessed to him how my ex treats me, and he also was witness to it anyway. We become friends and if I am fortunate enough in a future to buy my own little place, he will most certainly do a marvelous job finding me a new home.

So that taken care of, then came the question of renovation. Our house was indeed in need of repair and fixing but I was not really in favor for spending tons of money, just a little freshening up here and there. However, my ex came and told me that the real estate agent told it would be much better to renovate and we would get better price for the house. I pointed out that our solarium is problem and we can’t afford fixing it, smoothly, ever so smoothly he told me that it would not be a problem because it is extension according the agent. Now comes the part you can laugh for the fool. Against all my instincts I believed him yet again. How stupid one can be? So after several months of renovation hell, him trying to blackmail me out of the house by starting renovation everywhere at once, kids and me having to sleep on floor amidst horrendous dirt and mess while he took off to girlfriend every night and also spent several weekends just to go relax for a weekend trip. In a meanwhile me and the children were completely exhausted, dirty and sick and tired of take out with very little money from my part to spend. But listen to this, that was not even the worst part, after all said and done and house already on a market I randomly found out from our agent that he had particularly tried to talk my ex out of the renovation because we will never get our money back……..That piece of information was too much for me to bear and I almost threw up of the thought that I could have been out of the house months ago without having to put children through horrendous winter and all this because I was stupid enough to trust him AGAIN! Some lessons are just really hard to learn..

House is going for the market, nightmare of the renovation is behind, the guy has finally moved out of the house – I woke up for the first time single, happy on the day of my 20th wedding anniversary. What are the odds for that? Great, now you think it is smooth riding ahead. But no, my ex started by putting too high of a price for the house against the advice of agent and then he started rejecting offers, after two rejections, which he thought were too low even though I knew that the problems with the house will come and haunt us to eternity in a inspection and he is going to have to give in. Then we got third offer and after some very skillful shouting and pleading from my side against his threads telling me that he absolutely prefers to pay for the mortgage rather than for me he accepted the offer the house is finally sold. And I would do everything differently given another chance.

This is what I would give as an general advice for anyone in my situation.

1 – Trust your own instincts, always

2 – Do not trust the abuser, the one you are leaving, on anything, ever

3 – Do not give any excuses for not finding information by yourself. It does not matter how exhausted and tired you are, you have to be in charge. Always. If you are truly way beyond what you can handle, find a trustworthy person like a relative etc. to handle situation for you. Like checking on information that the other party is feeding you.

4 – Once you make up your mind, keep the focus on the end goal and do not go take side roads, just keep going straight and do one step at the time. No point wasting time on feeling sorry for yourself, being scared of the future, doubting your decisions. Focus on action and remember that the sun will come up tomorrow too.

5 – Selling the house and moving out is still the best option, even though you could financially keep to house to yourself. It is important to remember that when you are starting a new life you should start a NEW life, continuing in a house with so many memories is not the best of the options, easiest but not great.

6 – Be grateful that you have the chance to escape and start over, little things like house selling and law debates are just part of the process. The biggest, most meaningful move you ever do is the decision to leave.

7 – Be very proud of yourself and have faith on your future.

Now that my house is sold, I am hoping to find somewhere to live, I will be keeping you updated on that as time passes. I will be posting next Sunday again, thank you so much for taking your time and visiting Maiara Musings.

Sincerely

Maiara

Tags: , , , , , , ,

%d bloggers like this: