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Maiara Musings

"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein

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Hi Everyone,

Just a reminder that I changed my blog looks, but I hope it works for you. I am not entirely practical on these things. I did add an about page on top, so you might want to check it out.

This week I like to discuss the topic of divorce and living quarters. Since it is an inevitable part of separation that our way of life changes radically when we finally pull ourselves together and announce to the other party that enough is enough on our way to the lawyer’s office. I am absolutely certain that I belong to the vast majority of women who have become codependent over the course of their very unfortunate relationship with the abuser making this step seem like a undefeatable obstacle to our freedom and many are those who will not leave the relationship because they can’t see past this one monster of a step. I fully understand, it is very easy to find the comfort in an economical stability and established household. However, for those who have not read my essay “My house or is it home” I would recommend that you read it as well so that you will have clear definition between the house as opposed to home.

My ex was absolutely furious of course when I announced almost a year ago now that I am done talking I am leaving, then he got even more mad at me for not wanting to stay in a house. Our house is one where two families can live separately, upstairs is one and the downstairs is another full apartment, each floor having full kitchen and full laundry options and separate entrances, downstairs is great with big windows and walkout glass doors to the huge garden, whereas upstairs have beautiful solarium. So his idea was very tempting, very safe. I would not have to move at all and in a process we could pay off the mortgage, not to mention that kids would have both parents under the same roof. This, in my opinion is a solution from hell. If I am going to live in hell I might as well try to do it independently, how much worse can it get? So here I am soon to be homeless unless I pull myself together and find place for myself and kids to live by the end of July. But whatever mess I will land in it will be my mess and I will have the power to decide how to handle the situation.

The idea of living under the same roof when divorced might sound ideal for the children and most likely it could work for some, but never ever is it a good idea if one is getting out of abusive relationship. Children would not then get to see the daylight of normal life, for abuse would certainly not stop, it would just reappear in a different but equally harmful form. Only one benefiting from it would be the abuser, he could have it all. But children would forever be confused and manipulated not to mention that they would certainly be very smart and learn to play the game to get materially most from each parent and also if one parent says no all they have to do is run upstairs and certain yes will be awaiting. That I call a parenting nightmare. It is better for the children to live normal if materially poorer life and see how wonderful home can be and how they can also learn to laugh, relax and love again in normal terms. As for the abused she would be stuck in hell, because the tiny power she had while married is now buried under legal papers and by succumbing to his power in staying under same roof, she will never ever have any privacy, nor can she ever relax, because she is going to pay and she is going to be punished by him no matter what the law says. There are so many ways for them to punish us such a way that there is nothing but our word against their word at the end, and of course they are the better liars and so smooth man…… So if you are thinking of this option of sharing the housing after your divorce, think twice and please do not let material matters dictate your future.

Decision made, better to sell the house. Then what? There are many unknowns ahead and many mistakes to be made. I, as my lawyer can attest, have made many very costly decisions. And all of them are because after all these years I still trusted my ex. First the question of real estate agent, I did agree to one that is his friend since long time ago, and I also know him and happen to like him. The main reason was that my ex kept telling me that his friend has lower rates great except that my ex of course did not tell me that very short time ago the agent switched to another company thus having his fees increased considerably. I found out when we were already signing for his contract, and as my ex knows me, I would not break my promise in that situation. Lesson learned do your research and find agent that you can be comfortable with and do not trust whatever comes out from your ex’s mouth. I have to conclude on this matter that at the end I was very happy because he sold our house in 2 weeks and in a process I confessed to him how my ex treats me, and he also was witness to it anyway. We become friends and if I am fortunate enough in a future to buy my own little place, he will most certainly do a marvelous job finding me a new home.

So that taken care of, then came the question of renovation. Our house was indeed in need of repair and fixing but I was not really in favor for spending tons of money, just a little freshening up here and there. However, my ex came and told me that the real estate agent told it would be much better to renovate and we would get better price for the house. I pointed out that our solarium is problem and we can’t afford fixing it, smoothly, ever so smoothly he told me that it would not be a problem because it is extension according the agent. Now comes the part you can laugh for the fool. Against all my instincts I believed him yet again. How stupid one can be? So after several months of renovation hell, him trying to blackmail me out of the house by starting renovation everywhere at once, kids and me having to sleep on floor amidst horrendous dirt and mess while he took off to girlfriend every night and also spent several weekends just to go relax for a weekend trip. In a meanwhile me and the children were completely exhausted, dirty and sick and tired of take out with very little money from my part to spend. But listen to this, that was not even the worst part, after all said and done and house already on a market I randomly found out from our agent that he had particularly tried to talk my ex out of the renovation because we will never get our money back……..That piece of information was too much for me to bear and I almost threw up of the thought that I could have been out of the house months ago without having to put children through horrendous winter and all this because I was stupid enough to trust him AGAIN! Some lessons are just really hard to learn..

House is going for the market, nightmare of the renovation is behind, the guy has finally moved out of the house – I woke up for the first time single, happy on the day of my 20th wedding anniversary. What are the odds for that? Great, now you think it is smooth riding ahead. But no, my ex started by putting too high of a price for the house against the advice of agent and then he started rejecting offers, after two rejections, which he thought were too low even though I knew that the problems with the house will come and haunt us to eternity in a inspection and he is going to have to give in. Then we got third offer and after some very skillful shouting and pleading from my side against his threads telling me that he absolutely prefers to pay for the mortgage rather than for me he accepted the offer the house is finally sold. And I would do everything differently given another chance.

This is what I would give as an general advice for anyone in my situation.

1 – Trust your own instincts, always

2 – Do not trust the abuser, the one you are leaving, on anything, ever

3 – Do not give any excuses for not finding information by yourself. It does not matter how exhausted and tired you are, you have to be in charge. Always. If you are truly way beyond what you can handle, find a trustworthy person like a relative etc. to handle situation for you. Like checking on information that the other party is feeding you.

4 – Once you make up your mind, keep the focus on the end goal and do not go take side roads, just keep going straight and do one step at the time. No point wasting time on feeling sorry for yourself, being scared of the future, doubting your decisions. Focus on action and remember that the sun will come up tomorrow too.

5 – Selling the house and moving out is still the best option, even though you could financially keep to house to yourself. It is important to remember that when you are starting a new life you should start a NEW life, continuing in a house with so many memories is not the best of the options, easiest but not great.

6 – Be grateful that you have the chance to escape and start over, little things like house selling and law debates are just part of the process. The biggest, most meaningful move you ever do is the decision to leave.

7 – Be very proud of yourself and have faith on your future.

Now that my house is sold, I am hoping to find somewhere to live, I will be keeping you updated on that as time passes. I will be posting next Sunday again, thank you so much for taking your time and visiting Maiara Musings.

Sincerely

Maiara

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