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Maiara Musings

"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein

Hi Everyone,

Before I let you read my essay I just like to give you a little update on my reality. THERE IS LOVE AFTER ABUSE. It was over a year ago I wrote this essay and now is about 1 year since I have  been living alone with my kids. I have found my true love and for all of you who are doubting that it could ever happen to you keep believing.

I wish you all have a good week and thank you for following Maiara Musings

Sincerely, Maiara

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Picture Taken by Maiara

Is There Love after Abuse?

An Essay, written by KKMaiaraM

This essay is of universal topic of love. I understand that there are countless other essays around about love, and that it might be overly idealized item any way, but I have to write about it because if I don’t I won’t be able to continue my life as a whole woman.  What an irony in life that me, the dreamer and absolute romantic, married a narcissist who turned out to be as romantic as petrified wood. Any of you who are cohabited a house with a narcissist can attest that the only love going around the person in question is the absolute self-love, and entitlement to get all the attention and admiration, anyone else is nonexistent and the word romance does not even exist in a vocabulary.

The reason for my need to write this essay is this man I have been friends with for so many years. I have grown to love him unconditionally and to accept him completely just the way he is. I realized this week because I saw him with his family and that he was very cold towards me, that just because I love him and that he likes me and thinks I am sexy (he told me that if I don’t know that I have sexy legs, then I have been spending too much time in a kitchen!!!! )  it does not mean that he will love me back. There might have been a chance of him wanting to love me if I was a complete hermit and never communicated other than listened to him with the smiling face. However,  I have made one commitment to myself as a newly independent woman finally freed from two decades of emotional abuse that under no circumstances am I going to pretend to be someone I am not just to please the other party. Nor am I going to do my things in secrecy for fear of rejection.

Back to the question about love after abuse, is it possible for one so badly bruised and hammered down to find love again. The heart is just a shell, eroded and suffered a lonely long-awaited death during the abusive years. Yet somewhere inside there is this little spark of hope dimming as I write in a shadow of fear of rejection and betrayal. How is one to know if it is possible to trust again, to love again. We were fooled before and thought ourselves so lucky, little did we know. Who is going to tell us if this time is any different? Is it maybe a cycle that keeps repeating?  Or how do we know that we are good enough? Look at me, completely rejected, what was I thinking? That someone actually could love all of me… not regardless but because of all the little quirks and oddities and not so great looks. I just feel very lonely and confused, sitting here alone writing and trying to find my way out of the darkness….. It seems that now I am stuck in self-pity, so I am going to take a break and find a quote that speaks to me and see if I can change the direction of my thoughts towards something more constructive.

……those who seek find….

“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type. 
” 
― Jarod KintzThe Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They’re Over.

“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction….” I feel very strong connection to this particular sentence. I think that I should approach the subject matter from the different angle all together. Maybe, just maybe, one always feels obsession about the person of one’s  affection thus becoming completely blinded to the life around. Our reality becomes almost like a fantasy, and we see and hear only that what fits into our dream while the true underlying message of the other party never reaches our consciousness. As we are staring star eyed for the “love of our life” he simply doesn’t want to hear us thus sending our words to the other direction never letting them to touch him. In a process our words of love will disperse to the great universe and might reach the ears of someone unexpected instead thus leading him to us. The great sadness in it all is that maybe he is the one we are meant to be with but us being blinded to the “great love” of ours we will never hear the words of the person who could truly love us thus sending his words back to the universe. And so the cycle will continue and who knows how many great love stories never got a chance.

I realize now that true love is not what I thought I had with the “love” of my life. How can it be, when during all these years I am the one creating all these fantasies and other than him doing some flirting in a beginning of our relationship he has never, ever being responsive. I truly believe that roots to this kind of relationship lie very deep in our soul. It is very safe to love someone who doesn’t love you back, and create wonderful fantasies of future, for if all the action happens in your imagination at least nobody will ever get close enough to hurt you again. Sure enough, once you realize that you have been rejected it hurts, but for that you can only blame yourself. On the other hand, if you were to admit someone real, a man who actually were to ask you out for dinner and who genuinely would be interested in you and could appreciate all the little oddities that make up your persona the game would become so much more dangerous, for then there is a high chance to be hurt and betrayed again. After going around in circles I am back to the beginning: Is there love after abuse?

I don’t know if it is possible to learn to love again to heal and find trust in another person after such a long time of abuse. I don’t know if anybody can love me, for I do feel very flawed. I don’t even know how to date for according to my teenage daughter I am straight from the dark ages. I don’t know where to find love and I definitely don’t know if my heart is truly broken and damaged or is it just in permafrost ready to start blooming from even a little human affection. I just don’t know the answer to my own question. But I do know this: I will put my foot on the shore and start a new journey. I will keep walking with dignity to my future praying that my heart is not permanently damaged but only in hibernation and once it is truly awakened, then my soul-mate will find me and my words of love will not be bounced back to the universe but will be cherished in a heart of my true love.

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