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Maiara Musings

"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein

Picture taken by KKMaiaraM

Hi everyone,

I hope that your week has passed peacefully. I am today going to discuss the transition I am in. I am finally less than a month away from this unimaginable moment of my dream of getting keys to my freedom. For those of you who haven’t followed my blog, I only post once a week, that is Sundays and I try to be very consistent on that. Those of you who have read my posts previously would know that this is direct reference to my essay “House or is it Home” and I would strongly recommend that if you have not yet read that essay you should read it in order to get deeper understanding why this moment is such a wonderful feeling of anticipation for me. For me the last few weeks in this old house, which definitely has not been my home, are going to be somewhat strenuous because my ex announced that he will be moving back to live here. I hope that you will enjoy reading my essay which I simply named “Home….I am almost there.”

HOME….I AM ALMOST THERE

…so that when I finally open the door to my new home I know what to do and I know that everything from then on will be as it should. I also know that I won’t be crying anymore because my dream home will be filled with laughter…

As those of you who have read my essay “My Home or is it House” can recognize that the beginning was taken directly from that essay. What better way to start countdown to my new life than reminding myself of the dream I had last summer when I wrote it. I have less than the month left for that very magical moment of getting a new key to my rental townhouse. Even getting it was a complete miracle and I like to believe that it was direct result of universe giving me what I asked from my very heart.

I saw those townhouses in a winter time when I drove past them and realized that they were the only rental townhouses on that area where I wanted to move, and this feeling of belonging came over me. I called them few months back but nobody returned my call. Somehow I was not able forget them, even though changes for me getting one were very slim, since there are only about 30 units in a whole complex and people living there seem to be very well settled. However, because I am a rather determined individual and a dreamer I don’t usually let little practical issues to come my way, I just keep dreaming. That is the power of Law of Attraction, when you believe in something completely without any doubt and send all the goodness to the universe by believing in humanity and beauty of the world the good things will come to you when the time is right. The Law of Attraction truly works, and is one very powerful tool for us to transform our lives. But that will be the subject of another essay, right now I like to describe for you how it feels to find a home.

There I was, in a rain with my son walking down a path between the townhouses to the superintendents unit. We were both very excited and somewhat nervous. The townhouses looked little rundown and clearly the people living there are not exactly kind who take great pride to their surroundings. It is one thing to be short on money and struggle on everyday life but that does not give any excuse for not being clean. Being clean and putting some beauty to your surroundings can be something as simple as going out, picking up little flowers and putting them nicely on a windowsill behind the clean windows. It could even be the moment of raking the grass and pulling out weeds while having a refreshing drink at hand and a big smile on your face. Or how about spending some time cleaning inside the house, cherishing the few items that we have, the items we need, love and which bring joy to our lives. Then with happiness in our hearts our house becomes truly our home. After the chores are done we can sit down with a nice cup of well steeped tea, let out a big sigh, put our feet up and relax while enjoying the freshness, beauty, calm and happiness of our home. Everyone should always remember that the beauty is on the eye of the beholder, I am not talking about fancy house here but about the home that has been put together by the experience of our life; a home that speaks to us and reminds us of all the goodness, memories and joys in  our lives, a home that mirrors who we truly are.

After we knocked on that superintendents door, we heard this very loud barking of dogs inside. I sent out a little prayer that please don’t let the unit be beside him. So of course it wasn’t, but on the other building across. So in we went, we wandered from room to room and my son already was all excited choosing the bigger room for himself than that his sister would get. In a meanwhile I was utterly delighted to see that in a kitchen there was a perfect spot just underneath the window to put my high chair and that space was to be for my kids to do their homework while I cook, or for me putting a candle at night and sitting there writing letters with the glass of wine. Everything was pretty clean and luckily there was no carpets, only hardwood floors. And you are not going to believe this, there was a fenced backyard, very tiny for sure and extremely neglected and about half the size of  my current front lawn but so perfect. I can weed it in no time, if I put one flower in there it will really look beautiful because you can see it. With little effort and money, I will be able to transform that backyard to something wonderful, to something that makes it mine and reminds me of how lucky I am to be able have my dream of peaceful home come true.

I said to my son that it does not matter how the neighborhood looks like, we make our home beautiful and inviting and we will build our little life there for now temporarily, it is us who make a home not the neighbours. It is the three of us who from now on have power to transform that empty, foreign townhouse to a home that we can truly appreciate, and where we can finally after all these years relax without having to worry about what kind of atmosphere  is waiting when we come home. We are not going to be criticized, lied to and manipulated anymore, but we do have lots of work ahead of us to unlearn the old patterns of negativity learned from the past. Each one of us have to relearn to be kind, understanding and loving to each other now that the dominating negative force field has been removed from our lives. We have to realize that respect and honesty are the everyday normal not something you experience only on special occasions.

This moving requires several very practical aspects I have had to learn to deal with. It requires so much reality that I am ready to cry. There is the packing, the obvious chore which, by the way, is not that obvious for someone trying to get out from abusive relationship. When deciding what to pack, it is not only important to know what is it that you need but more important question is: Do you want to move memories? In my case, I don’t want any memories other than my children. So when for example choosing what to pack I did have to consider the situation when the item was bought and who took care of it and used it. I did not want any gardening tools because those we have shared, I did not want any furniture that we bought together, I definitely did not want any of his items that he brought to our marriage and I am not planning to take any plates etc, for those we chose together. And the washing machine that my parents actually bought and I chose as gift I can’t take either because he was few years back so ignorant that he stood on top of it and managed to scratch the top, so that every time I do laundry I remember him. By weeding out the memories, I have done serious downsizing on my physical property and I am just going to have to do without most of the things I am used to having. Then there is the question of bills, getting phone, internet, changing addresses on government documents etc. The list is endless and I have had several months of sleepless nights because of that. I also have to learn to buy insurances and balance the budget all on my own and I am sure that there are few surprises around the corner that luckily I don’t even know about yet.

However, when all this is said and done, I have to say that I would not have it any other way. I am so close to my dream, I did not end up on social housing at least not yet, and my entire life is about to change. It may be financially very hard, but that is nothing compared to my past which I am happily leaving behind. I have no regrets or sad thoughts over losing the house I am in now for all it represents for me is my past I rather forget. I will not dwell in memories of all the nights  I cried myself to sleep in this house. Nor do I have any emotional attachment to my material wealth for I have learned the hard way the importance of being surrounded by the people who truly love me, not the one that always hurts me. Finally, in few weeks I can say my goodbyes to this house and say hello to my new home. The difference this time around is that now I am so much wiser, so much more grateful for everything I have. Finally I can look way back with a long telescope for all those rather painful experiences that have allowed me to grow to this woman I am turning out to be without feeling any bitterness and anger for … my dream home will be filled with laughter…

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