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Maiara Musings

"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein

Monthly Archives: November 2013

Hi everyone, thank you for visiting Maiara Musings. Now before Christmas, those who are lonely are really lonely. Including me of course, so I had to write this essay about loneliness and look deep into my soul to see why is it that I feel lonely, even though I have not been this happy in years. Hope that you will enjoy the essay and please leave a comment if you so wish. I am debating what to write next month, would it be about cyber love or maybe about letting go of the past. So please come back in a month and you shall see. Happy reading. Sincerely Maiara

LONELINESS – AN AFTERMATH OF DIVORCE: An Essay Written by Maiara

Loneliness, that feeling of the aching heart and loss of love haunting you like only a ghost of the past can do.  The time you sit alone wondering about your life past and dreams lost, the optimism of the youth weighted down by the disappointments of reality. The small wrinkles around the corners of your eyes magnified by the newly acquired reading glasses and the well-worn old bath robe tightly hugging  your body giving you the comfort while you are trying to escape to the world of imagination by reading the latest romance novel on the market. The rain is drumming on your window matching your mood, the ever so scary and alarmingly often coming visitor – depression – is knocking on the door of your soul and you are holding tighter to the reality by making plans to escape the inevitable downslide of your mental state. Those are the times we feel so alone, so at the mercy of our faith and our new environment, wondering if we are ever going to be whole again after the nightmare of divorce.

Loneliness is not a bad thing in itself; it has a way of comforting us and giving us a break from the everyday hassles and noises. It can be a great teacher for the souls in distress and the guiding light out from the darkness. The problem lies not therefore in the loneliness per se but in the depths of our very own existence. We have let, over the years of our marriage and interaction with others, the opinions of those around us to shape us to someone who suits them, that fits in to their idea of a normal, acceptable individual and played the role they have assigned for us.  Suddenly alone, in a new environment, in a new role of a single person surrounded by new people we are faced with the new reality. Reality where we don’t fit in anymore because we are used to playing the role of that once married, once part of something, once belonging to someone else that was assigned to us by the very person we so naively thought would love us until the end of the time.

Thus here I am, early hours on Sunday morning sitting on my kitchen couch contemplating my life and not just any part of my life but that nagging feeling of maybe. Maybe I won’t ever find someone who can love me truly and unconditionally, maybe I am damaged goods after years of abuse, maybe I am not good enough to the man who would be able to love me, maybe I ran out of luck or maybe I just have to accept the loneliness and kill the dream of finding someone to share my life with. So many maybes but no solutions, or is there? How can one find a solution to something as abstract as loneliness, for one can be the loneliest person on earth amidst the huge crowd of people?

There is nothing lonelier in this life than that of an unsuccessful marriage, and I should know having been the loneliest wife, mother, woman, human being walking on this earth that I have ever met. Having been rejected, pushed aside and thrown away over and over again by the very same person that was supposed to love me makes me somewhat of an expert on the subject of loneliness. So why am I sitting and being afraid of loneliness then? Do I really wish to be whisked back to the world of acceptance and start a new role, this time that of someone else, just so that I won’t feel lonely anymore and to risk being rejected and pushed aside again. No, I do not wish that at all, for intellectually speaking I realize that loneliness is something we create inside ourselves and it is not related to being in a relationship. Unless one is so lucky as to find his or her soul mate in this life, the journey we all have ahead of us is that of a lonely wanderer and it is our thoughts and actions that define us in relation to the space around us. It is not the other people surrounding us but us as individuals who create our own mental space and our own world to inhabit. It should be us defining the persons we allow to our space and it should be our own integrity that allows those very people to be just the way they are without us trying to impose on them some role so that we would feel less lonely and more accepted when around them. Our gift for those around us should thus be that of complete acceptance and non judgement, for at the end that is exactly what we wish for others to do for us.

So theoretically speaking all is well, I understand the concept of loneliness, but whenever I am faced with weekends alone while kids are with their dad, or broken car, meetings with the divorce lawyer, smiling couples walking and holding hands etc. I feel that feeling of loneliness magnified. Those are real emotions I face in real life and I am really trying to make sense of them. Maybe the reason that I feel so lonely is that I really wish to meet my soul mate and that is  the dream I had since I was a teenager. This dream of mine has remained only a fantasy, seemingly impossible to attain during those two decades I was bound to the man who definitely was not my soul mate. But now that I find myself single again my old dream has gotten new wings, wings that will eventually fly me all the way to the waiting arms of my soul mate. Maybe that is the reason I feel so lonely now for I feel like a little baby bird who knows that she has the wings but has no idea how to use them­­­ while all the other birds around her are flying high leaving the little bird all alone and lonely. There she then sits suspiciously looking down the humongous drop that she will face if those wings won’t hold when she finally gathers her courage to leave the security of the nest to join the other birds.

I woke up at 5am this morning with the startling realization; my mind had obviously been on high alert to finish this essay while I was sound a sleep. There it was, the solution that was not a solution but deep understanding of the root cause of loneliness that I highly suspect is not only valid for me but for many others as well. We have set up this internal boundary to ourselves without even being aware of its implications, the boundary that has no visible line or definition but there it is as solid as anything staring right at our face magnifying the state of our mind and the feeling of loneliness. The boundary is that of self liking. The price that we are now paying for letting others define our role in their lives by dutifully playing the part assigned to us is often very high and so well hidden that we never even realized it existed. In a process of trying to fit in and to belong so that we would not find ourselves lonely, we have modified our own behavior often blindly trading our own values to those of the person or persons we wish to be connected with. That approach can, if those values are far off from our own, be very destructive. For when one is suddenly standing alone after the relationship is over, what is left is one completely lost lonely person with a baggage full of wrong values accompanied by the shadow of someone she can’t even recognize. So ultimately the loneliness is when one is left to face her own thoughts, thoughts that reflect who she has become accompanied with the realization that the person inside is a complete stranger and not even good company, but a stranger she has grown to dislike immensely and would never choose as a companion if given a choice. Paradoxically enough the only way out from the loneliness is to be alone until you can look at yourself in a mirror and see in your reflection the person that you actually like to be with. It is only then than you will be strong enough to try your new wings and soar towards your dreams without the fear of crashing.

 

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Hi everyone, this is just a little celebration to share. Yesterday was 1000 people who have read my essay My House or is it Home – an Essay. I feel that I am making a difference and thank you all of you for coming to read my essays. Since I am at it I also would like to promote my October essay HOW OUR MISFORTUNES SHAPE US – AN ESSAY which not too many of you have found, but I strongly recommend you reading it for it could be just what you needed on a grey almost winter here waiting for the snow day, or otherwise downcast day when all you wish to do is to pull that cover over your head and never get off the bed again. Please come back at the end of November. I will be posting a new essay discussing the loneliness after divorce on it.

Maiara

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HOW OUR MISFORTUNES SHAPE US – An Essay

Written by KKMaiara

When one hears the word treasure the image of treasure chest halfway buried under the green slime and some odd dead sea creatures somewhere deep down on the bottom of the sea right beside an old eons ago sunken, half rotten pirate ship pops into one’s mind. Maybe that is true and something like that really does exists in other than the old stories. For anything to be called treasure it has to be of value and certainly it should not be that easy to acquire. In my mind there are treasures of different kinds. One can of course set the course to faraway lands in a look for real material treasures of monetary worth. Or imagine an old person sitting alone in her well-kept but rather old-fashioned and randomly disarrayed living room surrounded by the memories of old pictures and odd items she has collected over the many years of her life. Then there are those moments of absolute happiness in our lives that we will cherish until the day we die: The birth of our children, special occasions, meeting of the loved one etc. Every one of us has a slightly different picture in our heads when it comes to the word treasure and I am about to add one more, rather unexpected image to the long list of already existing ideas that we carry along.

The reason I am writing this essay is quite different from what you might expect from the introduction. I can’t exactly pinpoint the moment of this realization I had, but I am quite certain that it arose from the complete frustration and misery I was going through. For this is what I realized: Our lives are constantly evolving and with the change we have to adjust, otherwise we will be left behind in evolution. It is unfortunately usually the bad, the unexpected, the difficult part of life that has the most profound impact on our lives. When our lives become so hard, so intolerable that we are ready to crawl into a dark corner pulling a hood over our heads, desperately wishing the world to end, it is then that we are facing a choice. And an important choice it is, for our future happiness is depending on the next step we take. There are exactly three roads to choose from regardless of the situation.

First one is to do nothing, we will sit in that corner crying until there are no tears left. Then, with sore muscles, exhausted  soul and numb brain we slowly get up and accept that this is our life and there is no hope for a change and that we better suck it up and continue our drab, solidly grey, rather depressing existence. Then the second approach is anger, great resentment and hatred towards our world that is so unfair and cruel, the world that seems to provide all the good for others but never anything for us. The world that simply hates us. With the renewed energy and the anger that fuels our soul we jump off that dark corner, vowing to beat the world, to show others that we are no losers, others are, and we simply choose to ignore and forget that anything bad ever happened. Lastly comes my realization which is the third option. The road that I have, after a very long and extremely rough life full of setbacks, chosen to take. My road is that of treasures. I have made a conscious decision to look into my heart for the hidden treasure in every unfortunate event of my life. There is the corner in my heart reserved just for those treasures, a treasure box that is unfortunately getting rather large as I get older, a box that only I have a key to. In this box I have locked away the wisdom learned from my life’s misfortunes, unhappiness and disasters that have paved my path on this long and lonely journey.

Difficulties of life such as living with virtually no money and tossing and turning at night worrying about the next day and the reality that the day will be that of struggle and worry is no laughing matter. Yes, it is stressful when you have to constantly worry about trying to meet the day-to-day basic needs of yours and those loved ones so dependent on you. And yes, it is so easy to spend every waking moment fretting over the bad news your doctor gave you creating monsters and horror scenarios of your imminent future. And yes again, it is ever so easy to succumb under the pressure and sink into the dull existence numbing our senses and our brains. Everyone quite certainly has visited that place one time or another and knows exactly how it feels and how hard it is to wake up to the different world. To the world where one takes a leap of faith and starts to believe in herself by digging into the  uncharted corners of her existence thus finding strengths and gifts hiding behind the black veil of life that nobody knew even existed.  It is those gifts of unknown strength and surprise within us that are the most valued treasures of all. It is those little idiosyncrasies  in our personalities that we previously thought were drowning us that at the moment of great need will surface as our strengths and will pull us up from the depths of our misery.

So surprisingly it is our bad luck, misfortune, suffering and illness that are the building blocks of our true nature. Without suffering there is no need for a person to change, to contemplate his or her life and existence. There is no need for an intellectual and spiritual growth that comes when one is forced to look at herself honestly after all the black veils are drawn aside. It is then easy to go on living from birth to the grave blindfolded and deaf, without deeper sense of universe around us and without ever realizing our true spirituality and humanity. But if we open our eyes and our hearts to truly listen the universe wondrous thing will happen: Deep peace inside fills the void that we did not even know existed and the certainty that everything will be all right because we have everything given for us already penetrates through the consciousness alerting us to the fact that indeed we are lacking nothing. For majority of  people it takes suffering and unexpected encounters of life to come to this realization. For it is not until we have the need, a real need, that we truly start probing and searching the inner resources we have. And even then it might take a some mighty serious events before we truly realize the power within us. The gifts and skills that we were born with and some of which we have collected along the way, those are the building blocks for a solid foundation of life. So next time when the day feels overwhelming, the disaster looming and optimism disappearing try tapping to your unknown resources and remember the hidden treasures that lie deep buried in our misfortunes.

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