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Maiara Musings

"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein

Hi everyone, thank you for visiting Maiara Musings. Now before Christmas, those who are lonely are really lonely. Including me of course, so I had to write this essay about loneliness and look deep into my soul to see why is it that I feel lonely, even though I have not been this happy in years. Hope that you will enjoy the essay and please leave a comment if you so wish. I am debating what to write next month, would it be about cyber love or maybe about letting go of the past. So please come back in a month and you shall see. Happy reading. Sincerely Maiara

LONELINESS – AN AFTERMATH OF DIVORCE: An Essay Written by Maiara

Loneliness, that feeling of the aching heart and loss of love haunting you like only a ghost of the past can do.  The time you sit alone wondering about your life past and dreams lost, the optimism of the youth weighted down by the disappointments of reality. The small wrinkles around the corners of your eyes magnified by the newly acquired reading glasses and the well-worn old bath robe tightly hugging  your body giving you the comfort while you are trying to escape to the world of imagination by reading the latest romance novel on the market. The rain is drumming on your window matching your mood, the ever so scary and alarmingly often coming visitor – depression – is knocking on the door of your soul and you are holding tighter to the reality by making plans to escape the inevitable downslide of your mental state. Those are the times we feel so alone, so at the mercy of our faith and our new environment, wondering if we are ever going to be whole again after the nightmare of divorce.

Loneliness is not a bad thing in itself; it has a way of comforting us and giving us a break from the everyday hassles and noises. It can be a great teacher for the souls in distress and the guiding light out from the darkness. The problem lies not therefore in the loneliness per se but in the depths of our very own existence. We have let, over the years of our marriage and interaction with others, the opinions of those around us to shape us to someone who suits them, that fits in to their idea of a normal, acceptable individual and played the role they have assigned for us.  Suddenly alone, in a new environment, in a new role of a single person surrounded by new people we are faced with the new reality. Reality where we don’t fit in anymore because we are used to playing the role of that once married, once part of something, once belonging to someone else that was assigned to us by the very person we so naively thought would love us until the end of the time.

Thus here I am, early hours on Sunday morning sitting on my kitchen couch contemplating my life and not just any part of my life but that nagging feeling of maybe. Maybe I won’t ever find someone who can love me truly and unconditionally, maybe I am damaged goods after years of abuse, maybe I am not good enough to the man who would be able to love me, maybe I ran out of luck or maybe I just have to accept the loneliness and kill the dream of finding someone to share my life with. So many maybes but no solutions, or is there? How can one find a solution to something as abstract as loneliness, for one can be the loneliest person on earth amidst the huge crowd of people?

There is nothing lonelier in this life than that of an unsuccessful marriage, and I should know having been the loneliest wife, mother, woman, human being walking on this earth that I have ever met. Having been rejected, pushed aside and thrown away over and over again by the very same person that was supposed to love me makes me somewhat of an expert on the subject of loneliness. So why am I sitting and being afraid of loneliness then? Do I really wish to be whisked back to the world of acceptance and start a new role, this time that of someone else, just so that I won’t feel lonely anymore and to risk being rejected and pushed aside again. No, I do not wish that at all, for intellectually speaking I realize that loneliness is something we create inside ourselves and it is not related to being in a relationship. Unless one is so lucky as to find his or her soul mate in this life, the journey we all have ahead of us is that of a lonely wanderer and it is our thoughts and actions that define us in relation to the space around us. It is not the other people surrounding us but us as individuals who create our own mental space and our own world to inhabit. It should be us defining the persons we allow to our space and it should be our own integrity that allows those very people to be just the way they are without us trying to impose on them some role so that we would feel less lonely and more accepted when around them. Our gift for those around us should thus be that of complete acceptance and non judgement, for at the end that is exactly what we wish for others to do for us.

So theoretically speaking all is well, I understand the concept of loneliness, but whenever I am faced with weekends alone while kids are with their dad, or broken car, meetings with the divorce lawyer, smiling couples walking and holding hands etc. I feel that feeling of loneliness magnified. Those are real emotions I face in real life and I am really trying to make sense of them. Maybe the reason that I feel so lonely is that I really wish to meet my soul mate and that is  the dream I had since I was a teenager. This dream of mine has remained only a fantasy, seemingly impossible to attain during those two decades I was bound to the man who definitely was not my soul mate. But now that I find myself single again my old dream has gotten new wings, wings that will eventually fly me all the way to the waiting arms of my soul mate. Maybe that is the reason I feel so lonely now for I feel like a little baby bird who knows that she has the wings but has no idea how to use them­­­ while all the other birds around her are flying high leaving the little bird all alone and lonely. There she then sits suspiciously looking down the humongous drop that she will face if those wings won’t hold when she finally gathers her courage to leave the security of the nest to join the other birds.

I woke up at 5am this morning with the startling realization; my mind had obviously been on high alert to finish this essay while I was sound a sleep. There it was, the solution that was not a solution but deep understanding of the root cause of loneliness that I highly suspect is not only valid for me but for many others as well. We have set up this internal boundary to ourselves without even being aware of its implications, the boundary that has no visible line or definition but there it is as solid as anything staring right at our face magnifying the state of our mind and the feeling of loneliness. The boundary is that of self liking. The price that we are now paying for letting others define our role in their lives by dutifully playing the part assigned to us is often very high and so well hidden that we never even realized it existed. In a process of trying to fit in and to belong so that we would not find ourselves lonely, we have modified our own behavior often blindly trading our own values to those of the person or persons we wish to be connected with. That approach can, if those values are far off from our own, be very destructive. For when one is suddenly standing alone after the relationship is over, what is left is one completely lost lonely person with a baggage full of wrong values accompanied by the shadow of someone she can’t even recognize. So ultimately the loneliness is when one is left to face her own thoughts, thoughts that reflect who she has become accompanied with the realization that the person inside is a complete stranger and not even good company, but a stranger she has grown to dislike immensely and would never choose as a companion if given a choice. Paradoxically enough the only way out from the loneliness is to be alone until you can look at yourself in a mirror and see in your reflection the person that you actually like to be with. It is only then than you will be strong enough to try your new wings and soar towards your dreams without the fear of crashing.

 

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