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Maiara Musings

"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein

Tag Archives: Decision

Hi Everyone, please enjoy the essay. I will be posting next time at the end of March. Most likely continuing on the subject of Dating, since it is so close to my heart now days.


Online Dating: Perils and Benefits 

Online Dating, there is a word to digest. And I know being single, woman, new to the dating scene, absolutely confused and  in danger to being depressed that this issue is one worthy of writing an essay on. I can’t really decide if the problem lies in me, the quality of men online, luck or lack of it more precisely, modern times or our society. To be fair, it would be not wise to pinpoint my lack of success in one singular item, but maybe it is all of above in various combinations. For certainly what ever the reason is, after only one month online I am heavily leaning towards the option of quitting my online presence in favor of reaching out through more conventional ways of finding man.

I have done what I consider a reasonable attempt to aid my success finding a companion, but to no avail. What is it with these sites that rub me against my grain; I think it is like being an advertisement in one glossy magazine. Most people put their pictures there and not only one but several pictures and I heard of one lady who has 10 pictures but men are asking even more. Then she goes to meet the man just never to hear from him again. Sadly feeling down and flawed afterwards, the man did like the way she looked after all, she can’t figure out what is going on? Is it then her personality that is not good? Of course not, it is the quality of men that are asking her out. They are not looking for a lady to get to know but a short time torrid affair and once they figure out that she is not one to engage on that kind of behaviour without first doing proper dating they are just not going to ask her out again.  The point of displaying so many pictures therefore is totally unnecessary because it seems to attract the wrong kind of crowd. One or two good quality pictures would suffice and give enough clues for the man if the lady is to his liking or not. I don’t personally have any interest on a man who posts many pictures of himself; it seems very self-centered thing to do. As a matter of fact picture is of no interest for me at all. I have certain criteria but that is not the face value. For the beauty of the person lies in his/her personality and soul, and the lines of the face show the map of life that he has traveled to get where he is now. The picture gives only a whisper of that person behind the facade. It would be a great mistake to dismiss anyone just based on their picture, for anyone who has ever fallen in love can attest that beauty is not the physical appearance but the person inside that body.

This brings us naturally to the importance of profile text. There are as many different approaches to that one as there are people looking for company. Some are very short and some very long. There are people with great stories and people with lists, and for sure there is a grain of truth imbedded between the words. Those words that are there to make us seem exciting and worthy a connection and they are important reflection of who we are. There is no right or wrong way to write the profile text, but it should be written from the heart. Such a way that it reflects who we are. For then, the person reading it can get a true sense of the writer and if that connection feels meaningful then the dialog that may follow can lead to the beginning of a new relationship. For the initial attraction is not based on the one-dimensional picture of a person, it is based on the personality that is hiding behind that picture. Here it would be good to remind everyone that there is a great power to the words, to the way one writes the profile text. We actually can do our own elimination of unsuitable suitors by writing our text in such a way that those on our “unwanted” list are not going to even be interested in us. This will save us the hassle and embarrassment of going for disastrous dates that leave us feeling confused and deflated.

So your profile has attracted a suitor, finally. And the first awaited message arrives to your mail box. With great excitement you open the mail and start reading, of course first satisfying your curiosity by going to see the profile of that unknown man on the other end. To your great delight or disappointment there may or may not have a picture of your dream man staring back at you with a profile text that sends your blood rushing through your veins and imagination running rampant for the romance and happy ending after all. Slow down my friend, take a deep breath and readjust your reality. You have no idea what you are getting into. Seemingly he may appear to be your dream solidified and it seems like a no brainer to start intensive exchange of the emails and little phone calls until one day he finally will ask to meet in person. But, as stated earlier, he may or may not be all that wonderful and you may be setting yourself up for a great huge disappointment and heart ache at the end. The picture might be very old, or not even his. The writing is easy, for those who know how and on paper very simple to lie and make things appear so much glossier than the reality. If  he is as good-looking as the picture suggests he might just have an ego as large as a mountain, where everything at the end is just about him. He is after all used to being in a centre of the attention and having women drooling over him. But if he has the looks and the personality, then you might just have hit the jack pot and you should count your blessings, go buy a lotto ticket and enjoy the ride. Oh yes, I almost forgot, you also better send out a prayer that you will be as perfect for him as he appears to be for you.

All right, now that the previous scenario is out-of-the-way then how about the rest 99% of us? We also open up that first message with the great excitement and there he is. Not a prince of our dreams but a man with an interesting profile text, a text that has that something in it, that something we can not quite put our finger on. So in order to satisfy our curiosity we reply, even though he might not have the looks we were looking for. And he replies back, with a wit that makes us smile and thus the exchange of messages starts to take place. Maybe those messages are not very passionate, but certainly they are very funny and interesting. And as time goes by, you will be more and more amazed of the respect he shows you through his writing and the intelligence that lies behind his words. Before you know you are getting restless, restless to hear those words of asking you out. Anticipation of meeting this man who makes you smile and giggle like a teenager makes you nervous, for now you start hoping that you are going to be equally interesting to him. You have the genuine interest to get to know him better. And sure enough, the date is set and as a true gentleman he is willing to drive to meet you. You get to choose the location to your convenience.

What to wear? How to fix the hair? Which shoes to match with the outfit? And the purse? Our mind is suddenly filled with all these live or die important decisions that we have to make in order to feel presentable. I have to say that although important, the physical outfit is not as important as the way we wear it. I would think that the man can appreciate the woman most when she is comfortable in her own skin, dress and shoes. In any case most men have no clue whether you are wearing the luxurious designer clothing or something more moderate. But I can guarantee that any man will be acutely aware of a woman with self-confidence and poise, a woman of inner strength and beauty who can walk in with any clothing and hold the attention of the room she enters. Be that woman, be the woman who with her presence signals to him that she is someone worthy his time and effort to be pursued.

Here ladies is what I have discovered from books, magazines and talking to others: Men truly are not like us!!!!! They like the challenge and they like to please, so the best gift you can give to your new date is to have him do the work while you relax and enjoy the ride. When you finally meet him face to face for the first date just put your head up and be feminine be proud to be you. Carry yourself with great confidence and let him feel how lucky he is to have asked you out. Be yourself and relax, let the past be past and don’t worry about future. What really matters is the present and the great excitement of getting to know this new person in front of you. It does not matter if he is the one. It does not matter if he is going to ask you out again. What matters is the experience, the joy of feeling part of something bigger, something very universal and ageless, something that will never die: The attraction and the fascination between two unknown entities, male and female.

The subject of dating is highly complex, yet so simple. I could go on for ever and still not find the right ending. Therefore I have decided that this is a suitable place for me to finish this essay and that I am most likely to continue on the subject matter on my next essay. I have to say, that I have by the time I got this essay this far, successfully started to date with the most wonderful man who found me on dating site. I do not know where our relationship is heading but why worry about the future when you can enjoy the present. Right now I am just truly happy, and deep inside I dare to hope that he is the one…..


February 2014


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Hi everyone, thank you for visiting Maiara Musings. Now before Christmas, those who are lonely are really lonely. Including me of course, so I had to write this essay about loneliness and look deep into my soul to see why is it that I feel lonely, even though I have not been this happy in years. Hope that you will enjoy the essay and please leave a comment if you so wish. I am debating what to write next month, would it be about cyber love or maybe about letting go of the past. So please come back in a month and you shall see. Happy reading. Sincerely Maiara


Loneliness, that feeling of the aching heart and loss of love haunting you like only a ghost of the past can do.  The time you sit alone wondering about your life past and dreams lost, the optimism of the youth weighted down by the disappointments of reality. The small wrinkles around the corners of your eyes magnified by the newly acquired reading glasses and the well-worn old bath robe tightly hugging  your body giving you the comfort while you are trying to escape to the world of imagination by reading the latest romance novel on the market. The rain is drumming on your window matching your mood, the ever so scary and alarmingly often coming visitor – depression – is knocking on the door of your soul and you are holding tighter to the reality by making plans to escape the inevitable downslide of your mental state. Those are the times we feel so alone, so at the mercy of our faith and our new environment, wondering if we are ever going to be whole again after the nightmare of divorce.

Loneliness is not a bad thing in itself; it has a way of comforting us and giving us a break from the everyday hassles and noises. It can be a great teacher for the souls in distress and the guiding light out from the darkness. The problem lies not therefore in the loneliness per se but in the depths of our very own existence. We have let, over the years of our marriage and interaction with others, the opinions of those around us to shape us to someone who suits them, that fits in to their idea of a normal, acceptable individual and played the role they have assigned for us.  Suddenly alone, in a new environment, in a new role of a single person surrounded by new people we are faced with the new reality. Reality where we don’t fit in anymore because we are used to playing the role of that once married, once part of something, once belonging to someone else that was assigned to us by the very person we so naively thought would love us until the end of the time.

Thus here I am, early hours on Sunday morning sitting on my kitchen couch contemplating my life and not just any part of my life but that nagging feeling of maybe. Maybe I won’t ever find someone who can love me truly and unconditionally, maybe I am damaged goods after years of abuse, maybe I am not good enough to the man who would be able to love me, maybe I ran out of luck or maybe I just have to accept the loneliness and kill the dream of finding someone to share my life with. So many maybes but no solutions, or is there? How can one find a solution to something as abstract as loneliness, for one can be the loneliest person on earth amidst the huge crowd of people?

There is nothing lonelier in this life than that of an unsuccessful marriage, and I should know having been the loneliest wife, mother, woman, human being walking on this earth that I have ever met. Having been rejected, pushed aside and thrown away over and over again by the very same person that was supposed to love me makes me somewhat of an expert on the subject of loneliness. So why am I sitting and being afraid of loneliness then? Do I really wish to be whisked back to the world of acceptance and start a new role, this time that of someone else, just so that I won’t feel lonely anymore and to risk being rejected and pushed aside again. No, I do not wish that at all, for intellectually speaking I realize that loneliness is something we create inside ourselves and it is not related to being in a relationship. Unless one is so lucky as to find his or her soul mate in this life, the journey we all have ahead of us is that of a lonely wanderer and it is our thoughts and actions that define us in relation to the space around us. It is not the other people surrounding us but us as individuals who create our own mental space and our own world to inhabit. It should be us defining the persons we allow to our space and it should be our own integrity that allows those very people to be just the way they are without us trying to impose on them some role so that we would feel less lonely and more accepted when around them. Our gift for those around us should thus be that of complete acceptance and non judgement, for at the end that is exactly what we wish for others to do for us.

So theoretically speaking all is well, I understand the concept of loneliness, but whenever I am faced with weekends alone while kids are with their dad, or broken car, meetings with the divorce lawyer, smiling couples walking and holding hands etc. I feel that feeling of loneliness magnified. Those are real emotions I face in real life and I am really trying to make sense of them. Maybe the reason that I feel so lonely is that I really wish to meet my soul mate and that is  the dream I had since I was a teenager. This dream of mine has remained only a fantasy, seemingly impossible to attain during those two decades I was bound to the man who definitely was not my soul mate. But now that I find myself single again my old dream has gotten new wings, wings that will eventually fly me all the way to the waiting arms of my soul mate. Maybe that is the reason I feel so lonely now for I feel like a little baby bird who knows that she has the wings but has no idea how to use them­­­ while all the other birds around her are flying high leaving the little bird all alone and lonely. There she then sits suspiciously looking down the humongous drop that she will face if those wings won’t hold when she finally gathers her courage to leave the security of the nest to join the other birds.

I woke up at 5am this morning with the startling realization; my mind had obviously been on high alert to finish this essay while I was sound a sleep. There it was, the solution that was not a solution but deep understanding of the root cause of loneliness that I highly suspect is not only valid for me but for many others as well. We have set up this internal boundary to ourselves without even being aware of its implications, the boundary that has no visible line or definition but there it is as solid as anything staring right at our face magnifying the state of our mind and the feeling of loneliness. The boundary is that of self liking. The price that we are now paying for letting others define our role in their lives by dutifully playing the part assigned to us is often very high and so well hidden that we never even realized it existed. In a process of trying to fit in and to belong so that we would not find ourselves lonely, we have modified our own behavior often blindly trading our own values to those of the person or persons we wish to be connected with. That approach can, if those values are far off from our own, be very destructive. For when one is suddenly standing alone after the relationship is over, what is left is one completely lost lonely person with a baggage full of wrong values accompanied by the shadow of someone she can’t even recognize. So ultimately the loneliness is when one is left to face her own thoughts, thoughts that reflect who she has become accompanied with the realization that the person inside is a complete stranger and not even good company, but a stranger she has grown to dislike immensely and would never choose as a companion if given a choice. Paradoxically enough the only way out from the loneliness is to be alone until you can look at yourself in a mirror and see in your reflection the person that you actually like to be with. It is only then than you will be strong enough to try your new wings and soar towards your dreams without the fear of crashing.


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Hi everyone, this is just a little celebration to share. Yesterday was 1000 people who have read my essay My House or is it Home – an Essay. I feel that I am making a difference and thank you all of you for coming to read my essays. Since I am at it I also would like to promote my October essay HOW OUR MISFORTUNES SHAPE US – AN ESSAY which not too many of you have found, but I strongly recommend you reading it for it could be just what you needed on a grey almost winter here waiting for the snow day, or otherwise downcast day when all you wish to do is to pull that cover over your head and never get off the bed again. Please come back at the end of November. I will be posting a new essay discussing the loneliness after divorce on it.


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Hi Everyone,

Just a reminder that I changed my blog looks, but I hope it works for you. I am not entirely practical on these things. I did add an about page on top, so you might want to check it out.

This week I like to discuss the topic of divorce and living quarters. Since it is an inevitable part of separation that our way of life changes radically when we finally pull ourselves together and announce to the other party that enough is enough on our way to the lawyer’s office. I am absolutely certain that I belong to the vast majority of women who have become codependent over the course of their very unfortunate relationship with the abuser making this step seem like a undefeatable obstacle to our freedom and many are those who will not leave the relationship because they can’t see past this one monster of a step. I fully understand, it is very easy to find the comfort in an economical stability and established household. However, for those who have not read my essay “My house or is it home” I would recommend that you read it as well so that you will have clear definition between the house as opposed to home.

My ex was absolutely furious of course when I announced almost a year ago now that I am done talking I am leaving, then he got even more mad at me for not wanting to stay in a house. Our house is one where two families can live separately, upstairs is one and the downstairs is another full apartment, each floor having full kitchen and full laundry options and separate entrances, downstairs is great with big windows and walkout glass doors to the huge garden, whereas upstairs have beautiful solarium. So his idea was very tempting, very safe. I would not have to move at all and in a process we could pay off the mortgage, not to mention that kids would have both parents under the same roof. This, in my opinion is a solution from hell. If I am going to live in hell I might as well try to do it independently, how much worse can it get? So here I am soon to be homeless unless I pull myself together and find place for myself and kids to live by the end of July. But whatever mess I will land in it will be my mess and I will have the power to decide how to handle the situation.

The idea of living under the same roof when divorced might sound ideal for the children and most likely it could work for some, but never ever is it a good idea if one is getting out of abusive relationship. Children would not then get to see the daylight of normal life, for abuse would certainly not stop, it would just reappear in a different but equally harmful form. Only one benefiting from it would be the abuser, he could have it all. But children would forever be confused and manipulated not to mention that they would certainly be very smart and learn to play the game to get materially most from each parent and also if one parent says no all they have to do is run upstairs and certain yes will be awaiting. That I call a parenting nightmare. It is better for the children to live normal if materially poorer life and see how wonderful home can be and how they can also learn to laugh, relax and love again in normal terms. As for the abused she would be stuck in hell, because the tiny power she had while married is now buried under legal papers and by succumbing to his power in staying under same roof, she will never ever have any privacy, nor can she ever relax, because she is going to pay and she is going to be punished by him no matter what the law says. There are so many ways for them to punish us such a way that there is nothing but our word against their word at the end, and of course they are the better liars and so smooth man…… So if you are thinking of this option of sharing the housing after your divorce, think twice and please do not let material matters dictate your future.

Decision made, better to sell the house. Then what? There are many unknowns ahead and many mistakes to be made. I, as my lawyer can attest, have made many very costly decisions. And all of them are because after all these years I still trusted my ex. First the question of real estate agent, I did agree to one that is his friend since long time ago, and I also know him and happen to like him. The main reason was that my ex kept telling me that his friend has lower rates great except that my ex of course did not tell me that very short time ago the agent switched to another company thus having his fees increased considerably. I found out when we were already signing for his contract, and as my ex knows me, I would not break my promise in that situation. Lesson learned do your research and find agent that you can be comfortable with and do not trust whatever comes out from your ex’s mouth. I have to conclude on this matter that at the end I was very happy because he sold our house in 2 weeks and in a process I confessed to him how my ex treats me, and he also was witness to it anyway. We become friends and if I am fortunate enough in a future to buy my own little place, he will most certainly do a marvelous job finding me a new home.

So that taken care of, then came the question of renovation. Our house was indeed in need of repair and fixing but I was not really in favor for spending tons of money, just a little freshening up here and there. However, my ex came and told me that the real estate agent told it would be much better to renovate and we would get better price for the house. I pointed out that our solarium is problem and we can’t afford fixing it, smoothly, ever so smoothly he told me that it would not be a problem because it is extension according the agent. Now comes the part you can laugh for the fool. Against all my instincts I believed him yet again. How stupid one can be? So after several months of renovation hell, him trying to blackmail me out of the house by starting renovation everywhere at once, kids and me having to sleep on floor amidst horrendous dirt and mess while he took off to girlfriend every night and also spent several weekends just to go relax for a weekend trip. In a meanwhile me and the children were completely exhausted, dirty and sick and tired of take out with very little money from my part to spend. But listen to this, that was not even the worst part, after all said and done and house already on a market I randomly found out from our agent that he had particularly tried to talk my ex out of the renovation because we will never get our money back……..That piece of information was too much for me to bear and I almost threw up of the thought that I could have been out of the house months ago without having to put children through horrendous winter and all this because I was stupid enough to trust him AGAIN! Some lessons are just really hard to learn..

House is going for the market, nightmare of the renovation is behind, the guy has finally moved out of the house – I woke up for the first time single, happy on the day of my 20th wedding anniversary. What are the odds for that? Great, now you think it is smooth riding ahead. But no, my ex started by putting too high of a price for the house against the advice of agent and then he started rejecting offers, after two rejections, which he thought were too low even though I knew that the problems with the house will come and haunt us to eternity in a inspection and he is going to have to give in. Then we got third offer and after some very skillful shouting and pleading from my side against his threads telling me that he absolutely prefers to pay for the mortgage rather than for me he accepted the offer the house is finally sold. And I would do everything differently given another chance.

This is what I would give as an general advice for anyone in my situation.

1 – Trust your own instincts, always

2 – Do not trust the abuser, the one you are leaving, on anything, ever

3 – Do not give any excuses for not finding information by yourself. It does not matter how exhausted and tired you are, you have to be in charge. Always. If you are truly way beyond what you can handle, find a trustworthy person like a relative etc. to handle situation for you. Like checking on information that the other party is feeding you.

4 – Once you make up your mind, keep the focus on the end goal and do not go take side roads, just keep going straight and do one step at the time. No point wasting time on feeling sorry for yourself, being scared of the future, doubting your decisions. Focus on action and remember that the sun will come up tomorrow too.

5 – Selling the house and moving out is still the best option, even though you could financially keep to house to yourself. It is important to remember that when you are starting a new life you should start a NEW life, continuing in a house with so many memories is not the best of the options, easiest but not great.

6 – Be grateful that you have the chance to escape and start over, little things like house selling and law debates are just part of the process. The biggest, most meaningful move you ever do is the decision to leave.

7 – Be very proud of yourself and have faith on your future.

Now that my house is sold, I am hoping to find somewhere to live, I will be keeping you updated on that as time passes. I will be posting next Sunday again, thank you so much for taking your time and visiting Maiara Musings.



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