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Maiara Musings

"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein

Tag Archives: Dream Home

Hi, it has been awhile. I will no more make promises to write for it seems that I am completely out of my league in a time management department. I find being a single mom is so time-consuming that by the time I get time in the evening, I pretty much crash in my bed. And I have added Tarot course to the daily routine, which is turning out to being a lot of work and will last about 2 years. I have not, however given up my blog even though it may seem so. I just have to get my ducks in a row and  figure out how to make days stretch and eliminate all the unnecessary things from my schedule. But have to say that my personal life is just getting better every day. The things i have learned to handle after divorce and the strength that is coming back from being surrounded by very optimistic people is very amazing. I am simply happy, slightly over stretched but so happy. And to realize that my blog in 13 months have had over 4000 visitors is very wonderful. For that I just wanted to thank you all. I shall continue my writing once the inspiration strikes. Please come back to read my essays, it is kind of mixed lot because I have not dedicated this blog to anything other than love for writing.

Maiara

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Hi everyone, this is just a little celebration to share. Yesterday was 1000 people who have read my essay My House or is it Home – an Essay. I feel that I am making a difference and thank you all of you for coming to read my essays. Since I am at it I also would like to promote my October essay HOW OUR MISFORTUNES SHAPE US – AN ESSAY which not too many of you have found, but I strongly recommend you reading it for it could be just what you needed on a grey almost winter here waiting for the snow day, or otherwise downcast day when all you wish to do is to pull that cover over your head and never get off the bed again. Please come back at the end of November. I will be posting a new essay discussing the loneliness after divorce on it.

Maiara

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Hi everyone, summer has passed and fall is here with the new school year and as for me new everything. I have to thank all the readers for keep coming to my surprisingly busy blog even though it has been a long time I did not post anything. I moved, started the new life as a single mom, had my parents visiting and helping me fix my home and had kids settled to their new life.

Something truly amazing happened. I reread my essay House or is it Home that I have posted here beginning of May and that essay I wrote originally over a year ago to my therapist when I was down and desperate and very much married still.  I realized that I am living the essay now, my life has become my essay less the fact that my housing is kind of temporary for now since I am renting but everything  else is true to my writing.  It is a miracle that in one year my life has completely turned around and I am finally living in a house of happiness and laughter.  I am becoming a true believer of Law of Attraction and I am fairly sure that I will be writing an essay about the subject matter in a future. I would also like to tell you that my essay House or is it Home has been very popular and close to 500 people have read it from all over the world since I posted it May 5th, 2013, so I feel that it is quite fitting to post it again to honour the fact that it became my life and also to  give more people opportunity to read it.

I would like to remind you also that since I am a single mom now and with new responsibilities I am faced with the time management issue, I won’t be able to post more than once a month. I wish you great month ahead and lets not forget the power of universe, law of attraction and the importance of will power.

Thank you for visiting Maiara Musings

Sincerely Maiara

PS: Specifically I have been happily surprised that my poem about Rush Hours has started to gain in popularity. It is certainly not piece of art, but at the end kind of funny and I truly wrote it one day in rush hours, feeling so sorry for myself.

MY HOUSE, OR IS IT HOME?

An Essay, written by KKMaiaraM, July 2012

Very wise friend of mine just recently reminded me that there is a house and then there is a home. So what?! My house is my home, eh! Stop there…it is not that simple. House is actually a building, there is the roof and the walls and the floors and all the stuff in between. The house can be very humble or very fancy, it can be a townhouse or apartment or even a trailer. It can be located anywhere in the world, some are in the upscale neighbourhoods and some in the slums, but most, however, are somewhere in between. No matter what kind of house it is or where it is located, no matter how expensive or run down the living quarters are, only one thing remains unchanged: There are people living inside, and it is those individuals that define the word home.

Home is where you can be you, where the people you live with love and respect you, or where it is blissfully quiet if you happen to live alone. It is a place you can go to after a very long day and feel at peace, you don’t have to worry about being hurt or yelled at, nor you have to worry about being criticised or laughed at. At home you can sit and enjoy wonderful conversations, happiness and peace of mind. You can let go of all the layers of defence and pretence you put on in the morning when you stepped out of the door.

 The question therefore is this: Is my house a home? Let me think… it definitely is a house, a bit run down, in need of repair and in a good neighbourhood. But is it a home? No, my house is most certainly not a home for me. The only time I relax there is when my husband is traveling. Then, for a little while, I am a real person; someone who matters. What really worries me most though is my children. It is completely unimaginable that my rundown, messy and lately ever so dirty and unhappy house is the only place they can call home. How did I, a previously perfectly fine individual, end up providing my children such a sad definition of a home. I don’t know how I got here, but I certainly have decided that there must be a way out. Lets see then what can I do to change the situation.

 Have you ever heard of the saying “My house is my castle”, or how about  my version of it: “My house is my prison”, at least that is how I feel most of the time. All my dreams of growing happily old in that house and making it beautiful are crushed. I have no choice but to find the strength and courage to move out. Since moving out won’t happen overnight, it has made me realize something very important. More than being the prisoner inside the physical walls, I am a prisoner of my own mind. Until I can change my thinking patterns and also accept myself as I am, I will never find my way back to freedom where I can finally open the door to my beautiful new home.

 I don’t know about you, but I know exactly what my future home will be like. Trust me on this one, if I visualize and believe in my dream sincerely without any doubt and work very hard on other aspects of my life, I shall have my dream come true. I will have a small house with big windows and private little back yard. My backyard will be my garden of bliss, full of well-tended flower beds and couple of trees, preferably maple and birch, under which I have one very old-fashioned swing. And birds, so that I can wake up in the morning and have my tea sitting on that swing peacefully rocking back and forth with beautiful sounds filling my ears. Afterwards I enter my kitchen where the gentle movement of white lace curtains catches my eye and reminds me to water the herbs that I am religiously trying to grow on my windowsill. The house is so simple and quiet that one can feel the harmony and the flow of positive energy everywhere. There is nothing fancy or expensive but everything is clean and well taken care of with love. The wood floors with old-fashioned Scandinavian rugs are very clean and make the house ever so inviting. After taking care of those herbs of mine, and neatly putting away my tea-cup, it is time to start the day. I walk happily to my bedroom: My bedroom is filled with light, just like the rest of the house and has the same wood floors than the other rooms have. I now own to my great delight a “makeup table”, one of those small desks with big mirror and small drawers for makeup and everything else that I need to make myself look beautiful when I leave the house. The walls are decorated with pictures of the people I love and there in a corner I keep a basket of projects that I finally have time and confidence to do. My bed, of course, is big and very comfortable, but not too comfortable, I would not want to sleep away my newly found freedom because I already had missed out two decades of happiness in my previous life. This is my dream home, and if I get really lucky I will spend rest of my days there ever so happy with the man of my dreams.

My essay seems to have reached its end. But before the final word, there is one more point to make. If you read carefully, you might have realized that some people live in castles completely miserable and yet others may live in very poor conditions but so happy. Money just can’t buy happiness. It is us who make the difference. It does not matter if the dream home takes few years to come by, or that temporarily we might even end up with social housing, what matters is that we, the “homeless”, take action to change our lives. My action, starting today, is to continue my D-book – yes, A…., that is really funny – which contains the lists of all my possessions I am planning to take with me when I finally move out of this house. I will also start living the life I will have, it does not matter that I am still in a difficult situation. I will start building my new life inside my old life and that alone is very meaningful way to make me stronger and more determined. I choose to start cleaning and making my current house organized and inviting, I am, after all, still living in it with my children. There is just no excuse for me to dwell on my own misery anymore. From now on, I will practice for my future life; so that when I finally open the door to my new home I know what to do and I know that everything from then on will be as it should. I also know that I won’t be crying anymore because my dream home will be filled with laughter.

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Hi Everyone,

I hope that your week was as great as mine. First, my car is fixed and I am feeling all right after the accident, no lasting injuries. Secondly I finally moved in, and boy did I ever have one interesting moving day not to mention the fact that the weather was boiling hot. But I made it and I have already slept 3 nights in my new home. I can’t even start to describe the peace and happiness that is filling my soul and my mind. I wake up in the morning sun tickling my face, completely relaxed and content. On  the verge of new life, I am like a teenager learning to take charge of my life. Can’t believe that I actually made it happen, to separate myself  from the narcissistic husband  of 20 years and to be strong enough not to be drawn back to his devious web of  illusions. Due to the fact that I have no internet, phone or tv yet I am writing this on Saturday on my lunch break at work and post it as well today. I truly love writing but I believe firmly that the quality of my writing should stay up to some standards and that I wish to continue write essays I will have to take a 2 months break from this blog and start again towards end of September. From then on I will be posting only once a month for as a single mother I will not have a chance to spend more time on this blog. However, those of you who have not visited my blog before, I hope that you would take your time to read my other posts in a meanwhile. What can I say, have a great couple of months and I will be back in September.

Thank you for visiting Maiara Musings, Maiara

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Picture taken by KKMaiaraM

Hi everyone,

I hope that your week has passed peacefully. I am today going to discuss the transition I am in. I am finally less than a month away from this unimaginable moment of my dream of getting keys to my freedom. For those of you who haven’t followed my blog, I only post once a week, that is Sundays and I try to be very consistent on that. Those of you who have read my posts previously would know that this is direct reference to my essay “House or is it Home” and I would strongly recommend that if you have not yet read that essay you should read it in order to get deeper understanding why this moment is such a wonderful feeling of anticipation for me. For me the last few weeks in this old house, which definitely has not been my home, are going to be somewhat strenuous because my ex announced that he will be moving back to live here. I hope that you will enjoy reading my essay which I simply named “Home….I am almost there.”

HOME….I AM ALMOST THERE

…so that when I finally open the door to my new home I know what to do and I know that everything from then on will be as it should. I also know that I won’t be crying anymore because my dream home will be filled with laughter…

As those of you who have read my essay “My Home or is it House” can recognize that the beginning was taken directly from that essay. What better way to start countdown to my new life than reminding myself of the dream I had last summer when I wrote it. I have less than the month left for that very magical moment of getting a new key to my rental townhouse. Even getting it was a complete miracle and I like to believe that it was direct result of universe giving me what I asked from my very heart.

I saw those townhouses in a winter time when I drove past them and realized that they were the only rental townhouses on that area where I wanted to move, and this feeling of belonging came over me. I called them few months back but nobody returned my call. Somehow I was not able forget them, even though changes for me getting one were very slim, since there are only about 30 units in a whole complex and people living there seem to be very well settled. However, because I am a rather determined individual and a dreamer I don’t usually let little practical issues to come my way, I just keep dreaming. That is the power of Law of Attraction, when you believe in something completely without any doubt and send all the goodness to the universe by believing in humanity and beauty of the world the good things will come to you when the time is right. The Law of Attraction truly works, and is one very powerful tool for us to transform our lives. But that will be the subject of another essay, right now I like to describe for you how it feels to find a home.

There I was, in a rain with my son walking down a path between the townhouses to the superintendents unit. We were both very excited and somewhat nervous. The townhouses looked little rundown and clearly the people living there are not exactly kind who take great pride to their surroundings. It is one thing to be short on money and struggle on everyday life but that does not give any excuse for not being clean. Being clean and putting some beauty to your surroundings can be something as simple as going out, picking up little flowers and putting them nicely on a windowsill behind the clean windows. It could even be the moment of raking the grass and pulling out weeds while having a refreshing drink at hand and a big smile on your face. Or how about spending some time cleaning inside the house, cherishing the few items that we have, the items we need, love and which bring joy to our lives. Then with happiness in our hearts our house becomes truly our home. After the chores are done we can sit down with a nice cup of well steeped tea, let out a big sigh, put our feet up and relax while enjoying the freshness, beauty, calm and happiness of our home. Everyone should always remember that the beauty is on the eye of the beholder, I am not talking about fancy house here but about the home that has been put together by the experience of our life; a home that speaks to us and reminds us of all the goodness, memories and joys in  our lives, a home that mirrors who we truly are.

After we knocked on that superintendents door, we heard this very loud barking of dogs inside. I sent out a little prayer that please don’t let the unit be beside him. So of course it wasn’t, but on the other building across. So in we went, we wandered from room to room and my son already was all excited choosing the bigger room for himself than that his sister would get. In a meanwhile I was utterly delighted to see that in a kitchen there was a perfect spot just underneath the window to put my high chair and that space was to be for my kids to do their homework while I cook, or for me putting a candle at night and sitting there writing letters with the glass of wine. Everything was pretty clean and luckily there was no carpets, only hardwood floors. And you are not going to believe this, there was a fenced backyard, very tiny for sure and extremely neglected and about half the size of  my current front lawn but so perfect. I can weed it in no time, if I put one flower in there it will really look beautiful because you can see it. With little effort and money, I will be able to transform that backyard to something wonderful, to something that makes it mine and reminds me of how lucky I am to be able have my dream of peaceful home come true.

I said to my son that it does not matter how the neighborhood looks like, we make our home beautiful and inviting and we will build our little life there for now temporarily, it is us who make a home not the neighbours. It is the three of us who from now on have power to transform that empty, foreign townhouse to a home that we can truly appreciate, and where we can finally after all these years relax without having to worry about what kind of atmosphere  is waiting when we come home. We are not going to be criticized, lied to and manipulated anymore, but we do have lots of work ahead of us to unlearn the old patterns of negativity learned from the past. Each one of us have to relearn to be kind, understanding and loving to each other now that the dominating negative force field has been removed from our lives. We have to realize that respect and honesty are the everyday normal not something you experience only on special occasions.

This moving requires several very practical aspects I have had to learn to deal with. It requires so much reality that I am ready to cry. There is the packing, the obvious chore which, by the way, is not that obvious for someone trying to get out from abusive relationship. When deciding what to pack, it is not only important to know what is it that you need but more important question is: Do you want to move memories? In my case, I don’t want any memories other than my children. So when for example choosing what to pack I did have to consider the situation when the item was bought and who took care of it and used it. I did not want any gardening tools because those we have shared, I did not want any furniture that we bought together, I definitely did not want any of his items that he brought to our marriage and I am not planning to take any plates etc, for those we chose together. And the washing machine that my parents actually bought and I chose as gift I can’t take either because he was few years back so ignorant that he stood on top of it and managed to scratch the top, so that every time I do laundry I remember him. By weeding out the memories, I have done serious downsizing on my physical property and I am just going to have to do without most of the things I am used to having. Then there is the question of bills, getting phone, internet, changing addresses on government documents etc. The list is endless and I have had several months of sleepless nights because of that. I also have to learn to buy insurances and balance the budget all on my own and I am sure that there are few surprises around the corner that luckily I don’t even know about yet.

However, when all this is said and done, I have to say that I would not have it any other way. I am so close to my dream, I did not end up on social housing at least not yet, and my entire life is about to change. It may be financially very hard, but that is nothing compared to my past which I am happily leaving behind. I have no regrets or sad thoughts over losing the house I am in now for all it represents for me is my past I rather forget. I will not dwell in memories of all the nights  I cried myself to sleep in this house. Nor do I have any emotional attachment to my material wealth for I have learned the hard way the importance of being surrounded by the people who truly love me, not the one that always hurts me. Finally, in few weeks I can say my goodbyes to this house and say hello to my new home. The difference this time around is that now I am so much wiser, so much more grateful for everything I have. Finally I can look way back with a long telescope for all those rather painful experiences that have allowed me to grow to this woman I am turning out to be without feeling any bitterness and anger for … my dream home will be filled with laughter…

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Hi Everyone,

It seems fitting that since my house is finally just about to go for sale, I should go back in time to July 2012 when I wrote this essay to my lovely therapist. Her question was: What does word home mean to me?  I happen to have brain that works amidst chaos – inside my brain is more like criss crossing multiline highways in New York rush hours. Therefore I am not always capable of verbally expressing myself in clear and concise manner. I figured that if I can extract the information from my brain to the paper in clear format it means that I have indeed contemplated and internalized the issue and examined it from all the relevant angles thus giving an answer that is true to my beliefs and spirit.

When you read my essay, please keep in mind that at the time I wrote it I had not yet started the process of separation and divorce.  I am hoping that it leaves you with something to think about at the end of a day. I would also like to remind those who did not read my previous blog that I am only blogging on Sundays and I will not post anything at all during the rest of the week

Sincerely

Maiara

MY HOUSE, OR IS IT HOME?

An Essay, written by KKMaiaraM, July 2012

Very wise friend of mine just recently reminded me that there is a house and then there is a home. So what?! My house is my home, eh! Stop there…it is not that simple. House is actually a building, there is the roof and the walls and the floors and all the stuff in between. The house can be very humble or very fancy, it can be a townhouse or apartment or even a trailer. It can be located anywhere in the world, some are in the upscale neighbourhoods and some in the slums, but most, however, are somewhere in between. No matter what kind of house it is or where it is located, no matter how expensive or run down the living quarters are, only one thing remains unchanged: There are people living inside, and it is those individuals that define the word home.

Home is where you can be you, where the people you live with love and respect you, or where it is blissfully quiet if you happen to live alone. It is a place you can go to after a very long day and feel at peace, you don’t have to worry about being hurt or yelled at, nor you have to worry about being criticised or laughed at. At home you can sit and enjoy wonderful conversations, happiness and peace of mind. You can let go of all the layers of defence and pretence you put on in the morning when you stepped out of the door.

 The question therefore is this: Is my house a home? Let me think… it definitely is a house, a bit run down, in need of repair and in a good neighbourhood. But is it a home? No, my house is most certainly not a home for me. The only time I relax there is when my husband is traveling. Then, for a little while, I am a real person; someone who matters. What really worries me most though is my children. It is completely unimaginable that my rundown, messy and lately ever so dirty and unhappy house is the only place they can call home. How did I, a previously perfectly fine individual, end up providing my children such a sad definition of a home. I don’t know how I got here, but I certainly have decided that there must be a way out. Lets see then what can I do to change the situation.

 Have you ever heard of the saying “My house is my castle”, or how about  my version of it: “My house is my prison”, at least that is how I feel most of the time. All my dreams of growing happily old in that house and making it beautiful are crushed. I have no choice but to find the strength and courage to move out. Since moving out won’t happen overnight, it has made me realize something very important. More than being the prisoner inside the physical walls, I am a prisoner of my own mind. Until I can change my thinking patterns and also accept myself as I am, I will never find my way back to freedom where I can finally open the door to my beautiful new home.

 I don’t know about you, but I know exactly what my future home will be like. Trust me on this one, if I visualize and believe in my dream sincerely without any doubt and work very hard on other aspects of my life, I shall have my dream come true. I will have a small house with big windows and private little back yard. My backyard will be my garden of bliss, full of well-tended flower beds and couple of trees, preferably maple and birch, under which I have one very old-fashioned swing. And birds, so that I can wake up in the morning and have my tea sitting on that swing peacefully rocking back and forth with beautiful sounds filling my ears. Afterwards I enter my kitchen where the gentle movement of white lace curtains catches my eye and reminds me to water the herbs that I am religiously trying to grow on my windowsill. The house is so simple and quiet that one can feel the harmony and the flow of positive energy everywhere. There is nothing fancy or expensive but everything is clean and well taken care of with love. The wood floors with old-fashioned Scandinavian rugs are very clean and make the house ever so inviting. After taking care of those herbs of mine, and neatly putting away my tea-cup, it is time to start the day. I walk happily to my bedroom: My bedroom is filled with light, just like the rest of the house and has the same wood floors than the other rooms have. I now own to my great delight a “makeup table”, one of those small desks with big mirror and small drawers for makeup and everything else that I need to make myself look beautiful when I leave the house. The walls are decorated with pictures of the people I love and there in a corner I keep a basket of projects that I finally have time and confidence to do. My bed, of course, is big and very comfortable, but not too comfortable, I would not want to sleep away my newly found freedom because I already had missed out two decades of happiness in my previous life. This is my dream home, and if I get really lucky I will spend rest of my days there ever so happy with the man of my dreams.

My essay seems to have reached its end. But before the final word, there is one more point to make. If you read carefully, you might have realized that some people live in castles completely miserable and yet others may live in very poor conditions but so happy. Money just can’t buy happiness. It is us who make the difference. It does not matter if the dream home takes few years to come by, or that temporarily we might even end up with social housing, what matters is that we, the “homeless”, take action to change our lives. My action, starting today, is to continue my D-book – yes, A…., that is really funny – which contains the lists of all my possessions I am planning to take with me when I finally move out of this house. I will also start living the life I will have, it does not matter that I am still in a difficult situation. I will start building my new life inside my old life and that alone is very meaningful way to make me stronger and more determined. I choose to start cleaning and making my current house organized and inviting, I am, after all, still living in it with my children. There is just no excuse for me to dwell on my own misery anymore. From now on, I will practice for my future life; so that when I finally open the door to my new home I know what to do and I know that everything from then on will be as it should. I also know that I won’t be crying anymore because my dream home will be filled with laughter.

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