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Maiara Musings

"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein

Tag Archives: Internal Beauty

Hi Everyone, I can see that I have missed my promised posting date at the end of each month already by 9 days. I apologize. I really have no excuse other than that my ADD is kind of worse right now because of the Taxes have to be filed by the end of this month, a relationship that is confusing the hell out of me, couple of teenagers at home with their brilliant ideas and  of course my new online course I started.

I have not posted anything about ADD on my blog yet, because I have been dealing with much bigger issues but that is perhaps something I should write about, to get my kriss crossed brain in some kind of order and to find a solution for my distraction both at work and at home. For although I don’t think that ADD is a disorder, I do know that it poses certain challenges along the many gifts it provides. And until I was diagnosed as an adult with ADD that is rather severe kind – but which has not been big problem (other than disappearing socks, keys, kids [just kidding] thoughts, time, papers, relationships and everything else practical) – I did feel frustrated and mentally challenged for most of the time and that was a big cause of feeling inferior. I could never figure it out why cooking, cleaning, parenting, taking care of practical matters was so hard and felt like I was doing a theses for PhD leaving me exhausted after even the simplest task. As an after thought I of course realize now that the exhaustion is not from actual task, but from the huge concentration it takes to be able to finish the task in any kind of reasonable time that for most would only take fraction of time and no effort to finish.eep

So it is a lengthy excuse, but please have mercy. I will see about the essay for the end of the month and I truly try to stay true to my word. However, since I have like so much going on right now I can not promise for sure that I have time to write a full essay on subject matter. I will keep you posted and let you know regardless at the end of this month the good news I am bound to have.

Enjoy the spring and sun and please remember, world is not about disorders but variety. We all have our peculiarites and that should be a gift for world would be very boring place if everyone were to think same way or to look the same way. Variety it what we need and what we should embrace, not tame.

Thank you for visitin Maiara Musings

Maiara

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Hi Everyone, please enjoy the essay. I will be posting next time at the end of March. Most likely continuing on the subject of Dating, since it is so close to my heart now days.

Maiara

Online Dating: Perils and Benefits 

Online Dating, there is a word to digest. And I know being single, woman, new to the dating scene, absolutely confused and  in danger to being depressed that this issue is one worthy of writing an essay on. I can’t really decide if the problem lies in me, the quality of men online, luck or lack of it more precisely, modern times or our society. To be fair, it would be not wise to pinpoint my lack of success in one singular item, but maybe it is all of above in various combinations. For certainly what ever the reason is, after only one month online I am heavily leaning towards the option of quitting my online presence in favor of reaching out through more conventional ways of finding man.

I have done what I consider a reasonable attempt to aid my success finding a companion, but to no avail. What is it with these sites that rub me against my grain; I think it is like being an advertisement in one glossy magazine. Most people put their pictures there and not only one but several pictures and I heard of one lady who has 10 pictures but men are asking even more. Then she goes to meet the man just never to hear from him again. Sadly feeling down and flawed afterwards, the man did like the way she looked after all, she can’t figure out what is going on? Is it then her personality that is not good? Of course not, it is the quality of men that are asking her out. They are not looking for a lady to get to know but a short time torrid affair and once they figure out that she is not one to engage on that kind of behaviour without first doing proper dating they are just not going to ask her out again.  The point of displaying so many pictures therefore is totally unnecessary because it seems to attract the wrong kind of crowd. One or two good quality pictures would suffice and give enough clues for the man if the lady is to his liking or not. I don’t personally have any interest on a man who posts many pictures of himself; it seems very self-centered thing to do. As a matter of fact picture is of no interest for me at all. I have certain criteria but that is not the face value. For the beauty of the person lies in his/her personality and soul, and the lines of the face show the map of life that he has traveled to get where he is now. The picture gives only a whisper of that person behind the facade. It would be a great mistake to dismiss anyone just based on their picture, for anyone who has ever fallen in love can attest that beauty is not the physical appearance but the person inside that body.

This brings us naturally to the importance of profile text. There are as many different approaches to that one as there are people looking for company. Some are very short and some very long. There are people with great stories and people with lists, and for sure there is a grain of truth imbedded between the words. Those words that are there to make us seem exciting and worthy a connection and they are important reflection of who we are. There is no right or wrong way to write the profile text, but it should be written from the heart. Such a way that it reflects who we are. For then, the person reading it can get a true sense of the writer and if that connection feels meaningful then the dialog that may follow can lead to the beginning of a new relationship. For the initial attraction is not based on the one-dimensional picture of a person, it is based on the personality that is hiding behind that picture. Here it would be good to remind everyone that there is a great power to the words, to the way one writes the profile text. We actually can do our own elimination of unsuitable suitors by writing our text in such a way that those on our “unwanted” list are not going to even be interested in us. This will save us the hassle and embarrassment of going for disastrous dates that leave us feeling confused and deflated.

So your profile has attracted a suitor, finally. And the first awaited message arrives to your mail box. With great excitement you open the mail and start reading, of course first satisfying your curiosity by going to see the profile of that unknown man on the other end. To your great delight or disappointment there may or may not have a picture of your dream man staring back at you with a profile text that sends your blood rushing through your veins and imagination running rampant for the romance and happy ending after all. Slow down my friend, take a deep breath and readjust your reality. You have no idea what you are getting into. Seemingly he may appear to be your dream solidified and it seems like a no brainer to start intensive exchange of the emails and little phone calls until one day he finally will ask to meet in person. But, as stated earlier, he may or may not be all that wonderful and you may be setting yourself up for a great huge disappointment and heart ache at the end. The picture might be very old, or not even his. The writing is easy, for those who know how and on paper very simple to lie and make things appear so much glossier than the reality. If  he is as good-looking as the picture suggests he might just have an ego as large as a mountain, where everything at the end is just about him. He is after all used to being in a centre of the attention and having women drooling over him. But if he has the looks and the personality, then you might just have hit the jack pot and you should count your blessings, go buy a lotto ticket and enjoy the ride. Oh yes, I almost forgot, you also better send out a prayer that you will be as perfect for him as he appears to be for you.

All right, now that the previous scenario is out-of-the-way then how about the rest 99% of us? We also open up that first message with the great excitement and there he is. Not a prince of our dreams but a man with an interesting profile text, a text that has that something in it, that something we can not quite put our finger on. So in order to satisfy our curiosity we reply, even though he might not have the looks we were looking for. And he replies back, with a wit that makes us smile and thus the exchange of messages starts to take place. Maybe those messages are not very passionate, but certainly they are very funny and interesting. And as time goes by, you will be more and more amazed of the respect he shows you through his writing and the intelligence that lies behind his words. Before you know you are getting restless, restless to hear those words of asking you out. Anticipation of meeting this man who makes you smile and giggle like a teenager makes you nervous, for now you start hoping that you are going to be equally interesting to him. You have the genuine interest to get to know him better. And sure enough, the date is set and as a true gentleman he is willing to drive to meet you. You get to choose the location to your convenience.

What to wear? How to fix the hair? Which shoes to match with the outfit? And the purse? Our mind is suddenly filled with all these live or die important decisions that we have to make in order to feel presentable. I have to say that although important, the physical outfit is not as important as the way we wear it. I would think that the man can appreciate the woman most when she is comfortable in her own skin, dress and shoes. In any case most men have no clue whether you are wearing the luxurious designer clothing or something more moderate. But I can guarantee that any man will be acutely aware of a woman with self-confidence and poise, a woman of inner strength and beauty who can walk in with any clothing and hold the attention of the room she enters. Be that woman, be the woman who with her presence signals to him that she is someone worthy his time and effort to be pursued.

Here ladies is what I have discovered from books, magazines and talking to others: Men truly are not like us!!!!! They like the challenge and they like to please, so the best gift you can give to your new date is to have him do the work while you relax and enjoy the ride. When you finally meet him face to face for the first date just put your head up and be feminine be proud to be you. Carry yourself with great confidence and let him feel how lucky he is to have asked you out. Be yourself and relax, let the past be past and don’t worry about future. What really matters is the present and the great excitement of getting to know this new person in front of you. It does not matter if he is the one. It does not matter if he is going to ask you out again. What matters is the experience, the joy of feeling part of something bigger, something very universal and ageless, something that will never die: The attraction and the fascination between two unknown entities, male and female.

The subject of dating is highly complex, yet so simple. I could go on for ever and still not find the right ending. Therefore I have decided that this is a suitable place for me to finish this essay and that I am most likely to continue on the subject matter on my next essay. I have to say, that I have by the time I got this essay this far, successfully started to date with the most wonderful man who found me on dating site. I do not know where our relationship is heading but why worry about the future when you can enjoy the present. Right now I am just truly happy, and deep inside I dare to hope that he is the one…..

KKMaiara

February 2014

http://www.maiaramusings.wordpress.com

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Hi everyone, thank you for visiting Maiara Musings. Now before Christmas, those who are lonely are really lonely. Including me of course, so I had to write this essay about loneliness and look deep into my soul to see why is it that I feel lonely, even though I have not been this happy in years. Hope that you will enjoy the essay and please leave a comment if you so wish. I am debating what to write next month, would it be about cyber love or maybe about letting go of the past. So please come back in a month and you shall see. Happy reading. Sincerely Maiara

LONELINESS – AN AFTERMATH OF DIVORCE: An Essay Written by Maiara

Loneliness, that feeling of the aching heart and loss of love haunting you like only a ghost of the past can do.  The time you sit alone wondering about your life past and dreams lost, the optimism of the youth weighted down by the disappointments of reality. The small wrinkles around the corners of your eyes magnified by the newly acquired reading glasses and the well-worn old bath robe tightly hugging  your body giving you the comfort while you are trying to escape to the world of imagination by reading the latest romance novel on the market. The rain is drumming on your window matching your mood, the ever so scary and alarmingly often coming visitor – depression – is knocking on the door of your soul and you are holding tighter to the reality by making plans to escape the inevitable downslide of your mental state. Those are the times we feel so alone, so at the mercy of our faith and our new environment, wondering if we are ever going to be whole again after the nightmare of divorce.

Loneliness is not a bad thing in itself; it has a way of comforting us and giving us a break from the everyday hassles and noises. It can be a great teacher for the souls in distress and the guiding light out from the darkness. The problem lies not therefore in the loneliness per se but in the depths of our very own existence. We have let, over the years of our marriage and interaction with others, the opinions of those around us to shape us to someone who suits them, that fits in to their idea of a normal, acceptable individual and played the role they have assigned for us.  Suddenly alone, in a new environment, in a new role of a single person surrounded by new people we are faced with the new reality. Reality where we don’t fit in anymore because we are used to playing the role of that once married, once part of something, once belonging to someone else that was assigned to us by the very person we so naively thought would love us until the end of the time.

Thus here I am, early hours on Sunday morning sitting on my kitchen couch contemplating my life and not just any part of my life but that nagging feeling of maybe. Maybe I won’t ever find someone who can love me truly and unconditionally, maybe I am damaged goods after years of abuse, maybe I am not good enough to the man who would be able to love me, maybe I ran out of luck or maybe I just have to accept the loneliness and kill the dream of finding someone to share my life with. So many maybes but no solutions, or is there? How can one find a solution to something as abstract as loneliness, for one can be the loneliest person on earth amidst the huge crowd of people?

There is nothing lonelier in this life than that of an unsuccessful marriage, and I should know having been the loneliest wife, mother, woman, human being walking on this earth that I have ever met. Having been rejected, pushed aside and thrown away over and over again by the very same person that was supposed to love me makes me somewhat of an expert on the subject of loneliness. So why am I sitting and being afraid of loneliness then? Do I really wish to be whisked back to the world of acceptance and start a new role, this time that of someone else, just so that I won’t feel lonely anymore and to risk being rejected and pushed aside again. No, I do not wish that at all, for intellectually speaking I realize that loneliness is something we create inside ourselves and it is not related to being in a relationship. Unless one is so lucky as to find his or her soul mate in this life, the journey we all have ahead of us is that of a lonely wanderer and it is our thoughts and actions that define us in relation to the space around us. It is not the other people surrounding us but us as individuals who create our own mental space and our own world to inhabit. It should be us defining the persons we allow to our space and it should be our own integrity that allows those very people to be just the way they are without us trying to impose on them some role so that we would feel less lonely and more accepted when around them. Our gift for those around us should thus be that of complete acceptance and non judgement, for at the end that is exactly what we wish for others to do for us.

So theoretically speaking all is well, I understand the concept of loneliness, but whenever I am faced with weekends alone while kids are with their dad, or broken car, meetings with the divorce lawyer, smiling couples walking and holding hands etc. I feel that feeling of loneliness magnified. Those are real emotions I face in real life and I am really trying to make sense of them. Maybe the reason that I feel so lonely is that I really wish to meet my soul mate and that is  the dream I had since I was a teenager. This dream of mine has remained only a fantasy, seemingly impossible to attain during those two decades I was bound to the man who definitely was not my soul mate. But now that I find myself single again my old dream has gotten new wings, wings that will eventually fly me all the way to the waiting arms of my soul mate. Maybe that is the reason I feel so lonely now for I feel like a little baby bird who knows that she has the wings but has no idea how to use them­­­ while all the other birds around her are flying high leaving the little bird all alone and lonely. There she then sits suspiciously looking down the humongous drop that she will face if those wings won’t hold when she finally gathers her courage to leave the security of the nest to join the other birds.

I woke up at 5am this morning with the startling realization; my mind had obviously been on high alert to finish this essay while I was sound a sleep. There it was, the solution that was not a solution but deep understanding of the root cause of loneliness that I highly suspect is not only valid for me but for many others as well. We have set up this internal boundary to ourselves without even being aware of its implications, the boundary that has no visible line or definition but there it is as solid as anything staring right at our face magnifying the state of our mind and the feeling of loneliness. The boundary is that of self liking. The price that we are now paying for letting others define our role in their lives by dutifully playing the part assigned to us is often very high and so well hidden that we never even realized it existed. In a process of trying to fit in and to belong so that we would not find ourselves lonely, we have modified our own behavior often blindly trading our own values to those of the person or persons we wish to be connected with. That approach can, if those values are far off from our own, be very destructive. For when one is suddenly standing alone after the relationship is over, what is left is one completely lost lonely person with a baggage full of wrong values accompanied by the shadow of someone she can’t even recognize. So ultimately the loneliness is when one is left to face her own thoughts, thoughts that reflect who she has become accompanied with the realization that the person inside is a complete stranger and not even good company, but a stranger she has grown to dislike immensely and would never choose as a companion if given a choice. Paradoxically enough the only way out from the loneliness is to be alone until you can look at yourself in a mirror and see in your reflection the person that you actually like to be with. It is only then than you will be strong enough to try your new wings and soar towards your dreams without the fear of crashing.

 

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Hi everyone,

I hope that you had more TIME this passing week to do the things that matter. Lately I have been thinking about the importance of self-image, how we see ourselves. The question becomes more so important when we are faced with the new reality after the abusive relationship and years of constant criticism from the narcissistic partner, when we are finally daring to contemplate entering the world of dating and some other normal social activities. I am quite certain that I am not alone on-line with those whose self-image after such an unhealthy relationship has become very distorted. No matter how much I try to stare at that mirror and believe that I look fine it is just the same, tired and rather ugly me staring back. At the end of it the old saying that the beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder is so true. How can the person staring at you back from the mirror look beautiful if she is unhappy, ashamed, regretful, scared and lonely inside. We all know people who to our eyes look so beautiful because we love them and we think that they are perfect just the way they are, and that has nothing to do with their actual looks. So in order for us to see beautiful person on that mirror it will require self-love. I have come kind of long way from last summer when I did write this particular essay “Mirror, Mirror on the wall….” but there are still many flaws in me when I look at myself in that mirror and wonder if any man could really truly love me. The improvement being in that I do not feel desperation any more because I have committed myself to heal emotionally as well as physically from my past and live happily ever after. I hope that this essay will make you think about internal beauty and to search for that wonderful lost soul that is certainly hiding deep inside each one of us so that when you next time look in to that dreaded mirror you will see a happy, balanced and beautiful human being.

Image

Picture taken by KKMaiaraM

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall – an essay written by KKMaiaraM

Is this essay going to be a fairy-tale of beautiful adventurer, you may wonder, how else would the title be about the mirror. Only the main character from the great story would be pictured in front of the mirror brushing her long, shiny hair and taking for granted the beauty which, to nobody’s surprise, is not only external but also internal. These lovely women are always pictured graceful, wise, kind and well liked. They smile when they see their reflection in a mirror because they have the self-confidence to conquer the world if they so wish.

Me too, I want to be a brave and kind person with great beauty and have the world at my feet. With excitement I approach the dreaded mirror: Today is going to be different, I will see my reflection and then I know. I want to know that I am not who I have become and that there is still a little girl inside me hiding, a girl long forgotten, who is desperately fighting for her existence. I am standing in front of my nondescript mirror by now; my head is bent down and I am very carefully trying to count all the small aqua green tiles on my bathroom floor, after that I just might have to kneel down and scrub the grout between the tiles with my old toothbrush and then…OK, OK, avoidance techniques big time. Do I really want to look into that mirror? Yes…and…No. Yes, because I am hoping to see something good and no, because I am terrified of reality of me. Looking at one’s own reflection is daunting task at best of times, but for an emotionally abused woman it can be more like trying to watch Alfred Hitchcock’s horror movie Birds: I have seen the beginning of that movie several times but I have yet to find the courage to see all of it because I am so frightened of the ending.

Starting from the top, my eye catches the grey roots of brown mousey hair followed by too wide forehead, and as the eyes drop even further down in a middle  they almost get stuck with the potato nose before finding the angry-looking down turned ordinary mouth and the scar, newest addition to my flaws. With heavy sigh I take one more look at myself and can’t fail to notice how borderline ugly I am with wrinkles, pale uneven skin and the eyes, which are so sad and tired. What did I expect? At least I should be thankful for small mercies of life: My mirror is not full length. I take a deep breath and momentarily close my eyes trying to decide if I dare to continue all the way to the end. Yes, I will take the journey to the unknown and open my eyes for further scrutiny.

Eyes, they say, are the gateway to the soul. So I stare deeply into so familiar faded blue-gray eyes of mine, mentally trying to squeeze myself through the black pupils to see if the statement is true. I have to find my soul, how would I otherwise be able to see myself genuinely and rescue the lost little girl from the horrors of obscurity. Time freezes and I find myself completely alone in total darkness. I can feel the imminent death of my soul: … bad person, talking unkindly of others, yelling at kids, failure as a mother, angry, never smiling, blaming, gossiping, foolish human being, greedy, black soul, negative, almost lying, not really good at anything, not smart enough, not intellectually equal, no man will ever love me, too ugly, too weird, talking too much, what’s wrong with me … STOP!!!! I scream and the eerie silence in my brain follows the onslaught of negativity.

Then it hits me, the old proverb I have hanging on my wall:

 

Just when the

caterpillar

thought the

world was over

it became

a butterfly

That’s it, maybe I am the caterpillar. I am starting to look more carefully around. It seems that the black is not as black as I first thought and that there is a shimmer of light ever so faintly guiding me forward deeper into my soul. Now I really have no choice but to continue my quest for the lost little girl, for if there is light she is still waiting to be rescued. As I descend further down to the unknown, forgotten territory, pieces of unconscious puzzle start flashing along the way: … can’t be too stupid with the education I have, define smart, isn’t the beauty in the eye of the beholder, kids must love me sometimes, can’t be entirely failing in parenting, some men do turn their heads to look at me, I have few friends, I speak nicely sometimes, I make a joke once and awhile and some people even get it, I love being silent, there must be some gifts I possess, intelligence comes in many disguises, lately I have been smiling again …… This is it then, I have reached the little girl: She is right there, within the grasp of my mind. The big dilemma I am facing now is what to do with her.

If I refuse to rescue her and go back to my miserable, unhappy, tear drenched life, I know with certainty that I will become lonely, bitter, angry and unsatisfied human being: My life will be full of regrets. If, on the other hand I accept her into my life as she is, I will end up being the uncertain, pimple faced, radical teenager with no boyfriend and a bucket full of issues. No thank you, being a teenager once in this lifetime is more than enough. So I am left with the third option, which is the one with most work. I have to slowly merge with her and start the long and painful process of transformation. I am not who I used to be but I am also not who I am now. I am someone different and only time will tell what kind of a woman I truly am. When the metamorphosis is complete I am hoping to emerge from my cocoon as one strong, beautiful, multicolored butterfly who gently but fearlessly flies to her new life and freedom.

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