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Maiara Musings

"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein

Tag Archives: Lessons Learned

Hi, it has been awhile. I will no more make promises to write for it seems that I am completely out of my league in a time management department. I find being a single mom is so time-consuming that by the time I get time in the evening, I pretty much crash in my bed. And I have added Tarot course to the daily routine, which is turning out to being a lot of work and will last about 2 years. I have not, however given up my blog even though it may seem so. I just have to get my ducks in a row and  figure out how to make days stretch and eliminate all the unnecessary things from my schedule. But have to say that my personal life is just getting better every day. The things i have learned to handle after divorce and the strength that is coming back from being surrounded by very optimistic people is very amazing. I am simply happy, slightly over stretched but so happy. And to realize that my blog in 13 months have had over 4000 visitors is very wonderful. For that I just wanted to thank you all. I shall continue my writing once the inspiration strikes. Please come back to read my essays, it is kind of mixed lot because I have not dedicated this blog to anything other than love for writing.

Maiara

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Hi everyone, thank you for visiting Maiara Musings. Now before Christmas, those who are lonely are really lonely. Including me of course, so I had to write this essay about loneliness and look deep into my soul to see why is it that I feel lonely, even though I have not been this happy in years. Hope that you will enjoy the essay and please leave a comment if you so wish. I am debating what to write next month, would it be about cyber love or maybe about letting go of the past. So please come back in a month and you shall see. Happy reading. Sincerely Maiara

LONELINESS – AN AFTERMATH OF DIVORCE: An Essay Written by Maiara

Loneliness, that feeling of the aching heart and loss of love haunting you like only a ghost of the past can do.  The time you sit alone wondering about your life past and dreams lost, the optimism of the youth weighted down by the disappointments of reality. The small wrinkles around the corners of your eyes magnified by the newly acquired reading glasses and the well-worn old bath robe tightly hugging  your body giving you the comfort while you are trying to escape to the world of imagination by reading the latest romance novel on the market. The rain is drumming on your window matching your mood, the ever so scary and alarmingly often coming visitor – depression – is knocking on the door of your soul and you are holding tighter to the reality by making plans to escape the inevitable downslide of your mental state. Those are the times we feel so alone, so at the mercy of our faith and our new environment, wondering if we are ever going to be whole again after the nightmare of divorce.

Loneliness is not a bad thing in itself; it has a way of comforting us and giving us a break from the everyday hassles and noises. It can be a great teacher for the souls in distress and the guiding light out from the darkness. The problem lies not therefore in the loneliness per se but in the depths of our very own existence. We have let, over the years of our marriage and interaction with others, the opinions of those around us to shape us to someone who suits them, that fits in to their idea of a normal, acceptable individual and played the role they have assigned for us.  Suddenly alone, in a new environment, in a new role of a single person surrounded by new people we are faced with the new reality. Reality where we don’t fit in anymore because we are used to playing the role of that once married, once part of something, once belonging to someone else that was assigned to us by the very person we so naively thought would love us until the end of the time.

Thus here I am, early hours on Sunday morning sitting on my kitchen couch contemplating my life and not just any part of my life but that nagging feeling of maybe. Maybe I won’t ever find someone who can love me truly and unconditionally, maybe I am damaged goods after years of abuse, maybe I am not good enough to the man who would be able to love me, maybe I ran out of luck or maybe I just have to accept the loneliness and kill the dream of finding someone to share my life with. So many maybes but no solutions, or is there? How can one find a solution to something as abstract as loneliness, for one can be the loneliest person on earth amidst the huge crowd of people?

There is nothing lonelier in this life than that of an unsuccessful marriage, and I should know having been the loneliest wife, mother, woman, human being walking on this earth that I have ever met. Having been rejected, pushed aside and thrown away over and over again by the very same person that was supposed to love me makes me somewhat of an expert on the subject of loneliness. So why am I sitting and being afraid of loneliness then? Do I really wish to be whisked back to the world of acceptance and start a new role, this time that of someone else, just so that I won’t feel lonely anymore and to risk being rejected and pushed aside again. No, I do not wish that at all, for intellectually speaking I realize that loneliness is something we create inside ourselves and it is not related to being in a relationship. Unless one is so lucky as to find his or her soul mate in this life, the journey we all have ahead of us is that of a lonely wanderer and it is our thoughts and actions that define us in relation to the space around us. It is not the other people surrounding us but us as individuals who create our own mental space and our own world to inhabit. It should be us defining the persons we allow to our space and it should be our own integrity that allows those very people to be just the way they are without us trying to impose on them some role so that we would feel less lonely and more accepted when around them. Our gift for those around us should thus be that of complete acceptance and non judgement, for at the end that is exactly what we wish for others to do for us.

So theoretically speaking all is well, I understand the concept of loneliness, but whenever I am faced with weekends alone while kids are with their dad, or broken car, meetings with the divorce lawyer, smiling couples walking and holding hands etc. I feel that feeling of loneliness magnified. Those are real emotions I face in real life and I am really trying to make sense of them. Maybe the reason that I feel so lonely is that I really wish to meet my soul mate and that is  the dream I had since I was a teenager. This dream of mine has remained only a fantasy, seemingly impossible to attain during those two decades I was bound to the man who definitely was not my soul mate. But now that I find myself single again my old dream has gotten new wings, wings that will eventually fly me all the way to the waiting arms of my soul mate. Maybe that is the reason I feel so lonely now for I feel like a little baby bird who knows that she has the wings but has no idea how to use them­­­ while all the other birds around her are flying high leaving the little bird all alone and lonely. There she then sits suspiciously looking down the humongous drop that she will face if those wings won’t hold when she finally gathers her courage to leave the security of the nest to join the other birds.

I woke up at 5am this morning with the startling realization; my mind had obviously been on high alert to finish this essay while I was sound a sleep. There it was, the solution that was not a solution but deep understanding of the root cause of loneliness that I highly suspect is not only valid for me but for many others as well. We have set up this internal boundary to ourselves without even being aware of its implications, the boundary that has no visible line or definition but there it is as solid as anything staring right at our face magnifying the state of our mind and the feeling of loneliness. The boundary is that of self liking. The price that we are now paying for letting others define our role in their lives by dutifully playing the part assigned to us is often very high and so well hidden that we never even realized it existed. In a process of trying to fit in and to belong so that we would not find ourselves lonely, we have modified our own behavior often blindly trading our own values to those of the person or persons we wish to be connected with. That approach can, if those values are far off from our own, be very destructive. For when one is suddenly standing alone after the relationship is over, what is left is one completely lost lonely person with a baggage full of wrong values accompanied by the shadow of someone she can’t even recognize. So ultimately the loneliness is when one is left to face her own thoughts, thoughts that reflect who she has become accompanied with the realization that the person inside is a complete stranger and not even good company, but a stranger she has grown to dislike immensely and would never choose as a companion if given a choice. Paradoxically enough the only way out from the loneliness is to be alone until you can look at yourself in a mirror and see in your reflection the person that you actually like to be with. It is only then than you will be strong enough to try your new wings and soar towards your dreams without the fear of crashing.

 

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Hi everyone, this is just a little celebration to share. Yesterday was 1000 people who have read my essay My House or is it Home – an Essay. I feel that I am making a difference and thank you all of you for coming to read my essays. Since I am at it I also would like to promote my October essay HOW OUR MISFORTUNES SHAPE US – AN ESSAY which not too many of you have found, but I strongly recommend you reading it for it could be just what you needed on a grey almost winter here waiting for the snow day, or otherwise downcast day when all you wish to do is to pull that cover over your head and never get off the bed again. Please come back at the end of November. I will be posting a new essay discussing the loneliness after divorce on it.

Maiara

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Hi Everyone,

I hope that you all had a good and productive week. It seems that my time is just flying by now days when my move from the house is coming close. It is rather weird phenomena, since my days are much longer than usual because I am having so many sleepless nights. Waking up around 4 in the mornings is getting really tiring, then again it is just great for the writing. House is quiet and nobody disturbs me at all. This week I wrote down a list of things that I learned in this process of divorce. Those are maybe not that special in itself, but sometimes when you are in a middle of the divorce nothing is as it should and it is very easy to underestimate the other side from the sheer exhaustion and that could turn out really expensive on the long run. So it is better to be mentally prepared for the task before even starting the divorce procedures ( if you are the one asking for divorce). If you are taken by surprise by the other party then of course there is no way to be prepared but at least you should be very quick to find the information before the time passes. I hope that you will find some use for my list and that it makes you think about things among the complete chaos and upset. Life will get better after the storm, we just have to find strength in us to start a new life. I wish you all wonderful coming week, and I will be posting next Sunday again. Thank you for visiting Maiara Musings

Sincerely, Maiara

Lessons Learned in Divorce ……. – List of late realizations

  1. Sit down, take a deep breath and …… jump. Hey, before you jump and start the fall to unknown take a pen and paper and write down the date. Then go make a cup of your favorite beverage and center you mind before taking a long and hard look into your life. If you are the one wanting to ask for divorce, then you are in better position but even if you feel like someone just hit you with the hammer with the news of wanting to divorce you, you will be better than ok. For nobody asks for the divorce without the reason and usually those reasons turns out to be best for you on a long run even though you might not see it like that initially.
  2. Now that your mind is calmer, jot down on that paper the very reason you wish for the divorce, or the very reason why it will be better for you to divorce. Note that even if you are heart-broken and don’t want to divorce after the party has calmly declared they are leaving, then if nothing else comes to mind write down that you don’t want to live with someone who has lost their love for you, for you deserve to be loved and cherished and nothing less of that will do.
  3. This next thing might sound odd, but it is very important psychologically. Write down, after very careful consideration, what is the worst thing that can happen as a result of this divorce and are you willing to accept and live with that. I give you an example what it was for me. My ex threatened me with financial aspects of our divorce, so I took a hard look into my material wealth and comfort I am living now in and this is what I decided. Maximum worst thing that can happen to me is that I will end up declaring bankruptcy, moving to the social housing and working on some unidentified minimum wage job with the boss from hell and kids choosing to live with their dad. After I pinpointed my biggest fear and realized that I can live with the consequences funny thing happened, my ex lost all his power over me. For he can not threaten me with anything after that since I am fully aware of the worst case scenario and I am not scared of it because I know that I can live the life of my biggest fear as long as that life does not include him. Even if the kids were to live with the other party, remember that it is not always quantity but quality that counts.
  4. Make a decision of the way you will treat him from the beginning. Since the divorce is emotionally highly charged situation it is best to consider it as any other business transaction, that is with no emotion, just calm surface with no blaming but informing. You are so allowed to fume and hate and scream and blame and have extreme anxiety as long as you don’t show it to the other party. The way I see it, that calmness and absolute coldness towards the other party is the best revenge. For it shows them that the whole relationship was of no importance at all and now it is just down to business to end it (remember that it is only the impression that matters, what you think inside is entirely other matter but no longer any business of them). And also it is like a layer of protection since if you don’t lose it in front of the other one then no words that can be regretted or that could be used later on in a court will be voiced and also it will reduce the actual fighting and blaming game to almost non-existent which, in most cases, is best especially for those with children stuck in a middle.
  5. Do not delay getting the lawyer. Once the decision about the divorce is done it is best to immediately find a lawyer. For it is very likely that the other party will do mostly anything to make things difficult and delay things. Sooner you start better and also that way you will be then informed on your rights from early on thus chances of avoiding costly mistakes will be lower. But even with the lawyers you have to be aware that not all of them are great, so it is up to you to educate yourself before you meet with one so that you have a general idea of the questions that affect you. But be aware that if you search information on internet, it is best to find it on government website because a private person who has written the list may correct but may not live in your country and the laws between different countries may vary greatly.
  6. Do not discuss money, let the lawyers deal with money matters and don’t make any arrangement about money or property without asking your lawyer first. It is futile to go into finances for that is the second great issue in a divorce after children. Therefore just keep to informing about necessary everyday matters nothing else and if the other party insists on manipulating you with financial decisions you can just calmly him or her that they can wait to hear from your lawyer.
  7. Do not trust him on anything even if the subject matter seems very innocent or if it seems like something that nobody would ever lie about it. Trust me, you would be for a very nasty surprise if you were me…..I have been so trusting even after all the horrendous things he has said to me. Have nobody to blame but myself and price is high, although I do acknowledge that I have become co-dependent over the 20 years and always trusted him, even the times when I knew he was not honest. So old habits are hard to break, but please do break them sooner rather than later.
  8. Always get a second opinion. There are countless little things and many bigger what comes to divorce and everything will seem overwhelming. I have learned, surprise, surprise that had I not taken the easy way out and trusted him on certain things but gone straight to someone else for second opinion then I would have been out of this house months ago and with more money I am sure. But I was so tired, so exhausted that at the time I chose to believe him on very big decisions about the house and other things just to find out at the end by chance that he had lied to me big time. Had I gone for someone and asked for second opinion I would have never, ever agreed to his ideas.
  9. Learn, Learn Learn and be brave for there will be zillion and more new things that from now on you will have to do by yourself. They may seem like really scary and hopeless jumble of very boring and alien stuff. For some it might be anywhere from learning to pay bills to dealing with car mechanic, whereas for others it may be something more domestic like learning to cook and take care of basic household chores like laundry. Whatever it is it won’t go away, so sooner you learn to deal with it better, for it reduces anxiety considerably when you have actually achieved something new and realized that not only is it doable but you might actually like doing it.
  10. Start packing for it is extremely therapeutic. If you know that you will be moving, then the best thing is packing. It is very good to start as soon as possible. It will make your life easier on a long rung and will remind you of new beginnings. Not to mention that usually people have a lot more possessions than they think and this is an excellent opportunity to meditate on your new life. What is it that you truly love, do you want to move memories, is something broken etc. I started to pack from the very beginning and I decided that I will only move things that I love, cherish and need. If anything is broken or reminds me of my ex, I won’t take it with me. For me new beginning mean just that, new beginnings. The best part is that now that I am actually just about to move, I have virtually nothing to pack because mostly everything is done, thus reducing the stress of moving greatly.
  11. Be honest with your kids about the divorce. This is particularly important in situations where you are leaving abusive relationship and the other party is master of manipulation and giving the children entirely wrong idea about everything, an idea where he or she is so misunderstood and so good and you end up being the evil incarnation. Children know when things are wrong but if parents are denying what children already know intuitively and by observation, it makes situation very scary for them. Each parent should take into consideration the age and the individual nature of the child when deciding how to inform him or her. Just remember that children know when parents are not being honest with them, when the signals are all mixed up and don’t make any sense to them and it is very confusing and scary for their little worlds.
  12. Find support for yourself. It might be few close friends, support group, your parents and siblings or therapist. If you are lucky maybe you will have them all. There will be days that you just need to vent out and have a sympathetic ear to listen to your misery. If you have questions and doubts or otherwise a really bad day, they will help you to feel stronger. If you feel lonely, they will help you to feel loved. If you feel lost, they will help you to find your way back. Don’t be afraid to ask help, for now is time that you really need it and when your friends and family need help you know that you will be there for them, so don’t feel guilty about asking them now.
  13. Take care of yourself. In a stressful situation like divorce it is so easy to forget the overall well-being of yourself when there are so many other rather miserable things to consider. But, taking care of yourself is very important and will help you to feel good about yourself. I have gone through the entire process of divorcing my emotionally abusive husband with the principal that my father thought me. He said that no matter how miserable you feel or how sorry you feel for yourself, you just have to wake up every morning and fix yourself really pretty. Then when you go out you will smile and put your nose right up to the air and show the others that you own the world with your self-confidence. By the way, you don’t have to feel pretty or self-confident to do this, all you need is to pretend, it is like being an actor for the day and others don’t have to know the real situation of your life. The beauty of this is the following: When others think you so happy and self-confident they will treat you with smile on their face and respect, and before you know you will treat yourself the same way and more often than not by the time it is evening you realize that you truly had a great day and that you did feel like you owned the world and pretty.
  14. Reward yourself  after the divorce is finalized and you have started your new life. So the days you feel really down thinking of bad thoughts you can think of what you will be doing after all this is over instead. My reward is going to be a very fine camera that I have dreamed of for so many years. The reward does not have to be materialistic, it can be something quite different like finally taking time to start a sport or even evening walks with a good friend after the day’s chores are done. Possibilities are endless and we should be very optimistic about our new lives. Remember that positive attitude brings positive experiences and people to our lives and dwelling in past is useless unless you know how to time travel back in time.

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