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Maiara Musings

"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein

Tag Archives: Rejection

Hi Everyone, please enjoy the essay. I will be posting next time at the end of March. Most likely continuing on the subject of Dating, since it is so close to my heart now days.

Maiara

Online Dating: Perils and Benefits 

Online Dating, there is a word to digest. And I know being single, woman, new to the dating scene, absolutely confused and  in danger to being depressed that this issue is one worthy of writing an essay on. I can’t really decide if the problem lies in me, the quality of men online, luck or lack of it more precisely, modern times or our society. To be fair, it would be not wise to pinpoint my lack of success in one singular item, but maybe it is all of above in various combinations. For certainly what ever the reason is, after only one month online I am heavily leaning towards the option of quitting my online presence in favor of reaching out through more conventional ways of finding man.

I have done what I consider a reasonable attempt to aid my success finding a companion, but to no avail. What is it with these sites that rub me against my grain; I think it is like being an advertisement in one glossy magazine. Most people put their pictures there and not only one but several pictures and I heard of one lady who has 10 pictures but men are asking even more. Then she goes to meet the man just never to hear from him again. Sadly feeling down and flawed afterwards, the man did like the way she looked after all, she can’t figure out what is going on? Is it then her personality that is not good? Of course not, it is the quality of men that are asking her out. They are not looking for a lady to get to know but a short time torrid affair and once they figure out that she is not one to engage on that kind of behaviour without first doing proper dating they are just not going to ask her out again.  The point of displaying so many pictures therefore is totally unnecessary because it seems to attract the wrong kind of crowd. One or two good quality pictures would suffice and give enough clues for the man if the lady is to his liking or not. I don’t personally have any interest on a man who posts many pictures of himself; it seems very self-centered thing to do. As a matter of fact picture is of no interest for me at all. I have certain criteria but that is not the face value. For the beauty of the person lies in his/her personality and soul, and the lines of the face show the map of life that he has traveled to get where he is now. The picture gives only a whisper of that person behind the facade. It would be a great mistake to dismiss anyone just based on their picture, for anyone who has ever fallen in love can attest that beauty is not the physical appearance but the person inside that body.

This brings us naturally to the importance of profile text. There are as many different approaches to that one as there are people looking for company. Some are very short and some very long. There are people with great stories and people with lists, and for sure there is a grain of truth imbedded between the words. Those words that are there to make us seem exciting and worthy a connection and they are important reflection of who we are. There is no right or wrong way to write the profile text, but it should be written from the heart. Such a way that it reflects who we are. For then, the person reading it can get a true sense of the writer and if that connection feels meaningful then the dialog that may follow can lead to the beginning of a new relationship. For the initial attraction is not based on the one-dimensional picture of a person, it is based on the personality that is hiding behind that picture. Here it would be good to remind everyone that there is a great power to the words, to the way one writes the profile text. We actually can do our own elimination of unsuitable suitors by writing our text in such a way that those on our “unwanted” list are not going to even be interested in us. This will save us the hassle and embarrassment of going for disastrous dates that leave us feeling confused and deflated.

So your profile has attracted a suitor, finally. And the first awaited message arrives to your mail box. With great excitement you open the mail and start reading, of course first satisfying your curiosity by going to see the profile of that unknown man on the other end. To your great delight or disappointment there may or may not have a picture of your dream man staring back at you with a profile text that sends your blood rushing through your veins and imagination running rampant for the romance and happy ending after all. Slow down my friend, take a deep breath and readjust your reality. You have no idea what you are getting into. Seemingly he may appear to be your dream solidified and it seems like a no brainer to start intensive exchange of the emails and little phone calls until one day he finally will ask to meet in person. But, as stated earlier, he may or may not be all that wonderful and you may be setting yourself up for a great huge disappointment and heart ache at the end. The picture might be very old, or not even his. The writing is easy, for those who know how and on paper very simple to lie and make things appear so much glossier than the reality. If  he is as good-looking as the picture suggests he might just have an ego as large as a mountain, where everything at the end is just about him. He is after all used to being in a centre of the attention and having women drooling over him. But if he has the looks and the personality, then you might just have hit the jack pot and you should count your blessings, go buy a lotto ticket and enjoy the ride. Oh yes, I almost forgot, you also better send out a prayer that you will be as perfect for him as he appears to be for you.

All right, now that the previous scenario is out-of-the-way then how about the rest 99% of us? We also open up that first message with the great excitement and there he is. Not a prince of our dreams but a man with an interesting profile text, a text that has that something in it, that something we can not quite put our finger on. So in order to satisfy our curiosity we reply, even though he might not have the looks we were looking for. And he replies back, with a wit that makes us smile and thus the exchange of messages starts to take place. Maybe those messages are not very passionate, but certainly they are very funny and interesting. And as time goes by, you will be more and more amazed of the respect he shows you through his writing and the intelligence that lies behind his words. Before you know you are getting restless, restless to hear those words of asking you out. Anticipation of meeting this man who makes you smile and giggle like a teenager makes you nervous, for now you start hoping that you are going to be equally interesting to him. You have the genuine interest to get to know him better. And sure enough, the date is set and as a true gentleman he is willing to drive to meet you. You get to choose the location to your convenience.

What to wear? How to fix the hair? Which shoes to match with the outfit? And the purse? Our mind is suddenly filled with all these live or die important decisions that we have to make in order to feel presentable. I have to say that although important, the physical outfit is not as important as the way we wear it. I would think that the man can appreciate the woman most when she is comfortable in her own skin, dress and shoes. In any case most men have no clue whether you are wearing the luxurious designer clothing or something more moderate. But I can guarantee that any man will be acutely aware of a woman with self-confidence and poise, a woman of inner strength and beauty who can walk in with any clothing and hold the attention of the room she enters. Be that woman, be the woman who with her presence signals to him that she is someone worthy his time and effort to be pursued.

Here ladies is what I have discovered from books, magazines and talking to others: Men truly are not like us!!!!! They like the challenge and they like to please, so the best gift you can give to your new date is to have him do the work while you relax and enjoy the ride. When you finally meet him face to face for the first date just put your head up and be feminine be proud to be you. Carry yourself with great confidence and let him feel how lucky he is to have asked you out. Be yourself and relax, let the past be past and don’t worry about future. What really matters is the present and the great excitement of getting to know this new person in front of you. It does not matter if he is the one. It does not matter if he is going to ask you out again. What matters is the experience, the joy of feeling part of something bigger, something very universal and ageless, something that will never die: The attraction and the fascination between two unknown entities, male and female.

The subject of dating is highly complex, yet so simple. I could go on for ever and still not find the right ending. Therefore I have decided that this is a suitable place for me to finish this essay and that I am most likely to continue on the subject matter on my next essay. I have to say, that I have by the time I got this essay this far, successfully started to date with the most wonderful man who found me on dating site. I do not know where our relationship is heading but why worry about the future when you can enjoy the present. Right now I am just truly happy, and deep inside I dare to hope that he is the one…..

KKMaiara

February 2014

http://www.maiaramusings.wordpress.com

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Hi everyone, thank you for visiting Maiara Musings. Now before Christmas, those who are lonely are really lonely. Including me of course, so I had to write this essay about loneliness and look deep into my soul to see why is it that I feel lonely, even though I have not been this happy in years. Hope that you will enjoy the essay and please leave a comment if you so wish. I am debating what to write next month, would it be about cyber love or maybe about letting go of the past. So please come back in a month and you shall see. Happy reading. Sincerely Maiara

LONELINESS – AN AFTERMATH OF DIVORCE: An Essay Written by Maiara

Loneliness, that feeling of the aching heart and loss of love haunting you like only a ghost of the past can do.  The time you sit alone wondering about your life past and dreams lost, the optimism of the youth weighted down by the disappointments of reality. The small wrinkles around the corners of your eyes magnified by the newly acquired reading glasses and the well-worn old bath robe tightly hugging  your body giving you the comfort while you are trying to escape to the world of imagination by reading the latest romance novel on the market. The rain is drumming on your window matching your mood, the ever so scary and alarmingly often coming visitor – depression – is knocking on the door of your soul and you are holding tighter to the reality by making plans to escape the inevitable downslide of your mental state. Those are the times we feel so alone, so at the mercy of our faith and our new environment, wondering if we are ever going to be whole again after the nightmare of divorce.

Loneliness is not a bad thing in itself; it has a way of comforting us and giving us a break from the everyday hassles and noises. It can be a great teacher for the souls in distress and the guiding light out from the darkness. The problem lies not therefore in the loneliness per se but in the depths of our very own existence. We have let, over the years of our marriage and interaction with others, the opinions of those around us to shape us to someone who suits them, that fits in to their idea of a normal, acceptable individual and played the role they have assigned for us.  Suddenly alone, in a new environment, in a new role of a single person surrounded by new people we are faced with the new reality. Reality where we don’t fit in anymore because we are used to playing the role of that once married, once part of something, once belonging to someone else that was assigned to us by the very person we so naively thought would love us until the end of the time.

Thus here I am, early hours on Sunday morning sitting on my kitchen couch contemplating my life and not just any part of my life but that nagging feeling of maybe. Maybe I won’t ever find someone who can love me truly and unconditionally, maybe I am damaged goods after years of abuse, maybe I am not good enough to the man who would be able to love me, maybe I ran out of luck or maybe I just have to accept the loneliness and kill the dream of finding someone to share my life with. So many maybes but no solutions, or is there? How can one find a solution to something as abstract as loneliness, for one can be the loneliest person on earth amidst the huge crowd of people?

There is nothing lonelier in this life than that of an unsuccessful marriage, and I should know having been the loneliest wife, mother, woman, human being walking on this earth that I have ever met. Having been rejected, pushed aside and thrown away over and over again by the very same person that was supposed to love me makes me somewhat of an expert on the subject of loneliness. So why am I sitting and being afraid of loneliness then? Do I really wish to be whisked back to the world of acceptance and start a new role, this time that of someone else, just so that I won’t feel lonely anymore and to risk being rejected and pushed aside again. No, I do not wish that at all, for intellectually speaking I realize that loneliness is something we create inside ourselves and it is not related to being in a relationship. Unless one is so lucky as to find his or her soul mate in this life, the journey we all have ahead of us is that of a lonely wanderer and it is our thoughts and actions that define us in relation to the space around us. It is not the other people surrounding us but us as individuals who create our own mental space and our own world to inhabit. It should be us defining the persons we allow to our space and it should be our own integrity that allows those very people to be just the way they are without us trying to impose on them some role so that we would feel less lonely and more accepted when around them. Our gift for those around us should thus be that of complete acceptance and non judgement, for at the end that is exactly what we wish for others to do for us.

So theoretically speaking all is well, I understand the concept of loneliness, but whenever I am faced with weekends alone while kids are with their dad, or broken car, meetings with the divorce lawyer, smiling couples walking and holding hands etc. I feel that feeling of loneliness magnified. Those are real emotions I face in real life and I am really trying to make sense of them. Maybe the reason that I feel so lonely is that I really wish to meet my soul mate and that is  the dream I had since I was a teenager. This dream of mine has remained only a fantasy, seemingly impossible to attain during those two decades I was bound to the man who definitely was not my soul mate. But now that I find myself single again my old dream has gotten new wings, wings that will eventually fly me all the way to the waiting arms of my soul mate. Maybe that is the reason I feel so lonely now for I feel like a little baby bird who knows that she has the wings but has no idea how to use them­­­ while all the other birds around her are flying high leaving the little bird all alone and lonely. There she then sits suspiciously looking down the humongous drop that she will face if those wings won’t hold when she finally gathers her courage to leave the security of the nest to join the other birds.

I woke up at 5am this morning with the startling realization; my mind had obviously been on high alert to finish this essay while I was sound a sleep. There it was, the solution that was not a solution but deep understanding of the root cause of loneliness that I highly suspect is not only valid for me but for many others as well. We have set up this internal boundary to ourselves without even being aware of its implications, the boundary that has no visible line or definition but there it is as solid as anything staring right at our face magnifying the state of our mind and the feeling of loneliness. The boundary is that of self liking. The price that we are now paying for letting others define our role in their lives by dutifully playing the part assigned to us is often very high and so well hidden that we never even realized it existed. In a process of trying to fit in and to belong so that we would not find ourselves lonely, we have modified our own behavior often blindly trading our own values to those of the person or persons we wish to be connected with. That approach can, if those values are far off from our own, be very destructive. For when one is suddenly standing alone after the relationship is over, what is left is one completely lost lonely person with a baggage full of wrong values accompanied by the shadow of someone she can’t even recognize. So ultimately the loneliness is when one is left to face her own thoughts, thoughts that reflect who she has become accompanied with the realization that the person inside is a complete stranger and not even good company, but a stranger she has grown to dislike immensely and would never choose as a companion if given a choice. Paradoxically enough the only way out from the loneliness is to be alone until you can look at yourself in a mirror and see in your reflection the person that you actually like to be with. It is only then than you will be strong enough to try your new wings and soar towards your dreams without the fear of crashing.

 

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Hi everyone, this is just a little celebration to share. Yesterday was 1000 people who have read my essay My House or is it Home – an Essay. I feel that I am making a difference and thank you all of you for coming to read my essays. Since I am at it I also would like to promote my October essay HOW OUR MISFORTUNES SHAPE US – AN ESSAY which not too many of you have found, but I strongly recommend you reading it for it could be just what you needed on a grey almost winter here waiting for the snow day, or otherwise downcast day when all you wish to do is to pull that cover over your head and never get off the bed again. Please come back at the end of November. I will be posting a new essay discussing the loneliness after divorce on it.

Maiara

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HOW OUR MISFORTUNES SHAPE US – An Essay

Written by KKMaiara

When one hears the word treasure the image of treasure chest halfway buried under the green slime and some odd dead sea creatures somewhere deep down on the bottom of the sea right beside an old eons ago sunken, half rotten pirate ship pops into one’s mind. Maybe that is true and something like that really does exists in other than the old stories. For anything to be called treasure it has to be of value and certainly it should not be that easy to acquire. In my mind there are treasures of different kinds. One can of course set the course to faraway lands in a look for real material treasures of monetary worth. Or imagine an old person sitting alone in her well-kept but rather old-fashioned and randomly disarrayed living room surrounded by the memories of old pictures and odd items she has collected over the many years of her life. Then there are those moments of absolute happiness in our lives that we will cherish until the day we die: The birth of our children, special occasions, meeting of the loved one etc. Every one of us has a slightly different picture in our heads when it comes to the word treasure and I am about to add one more, rather unexpected image to the long list of already existing ideas that we carry along.

The reason I am writing this essay is quite different from what you might expect from the introduction. I can’t exactly pinpoint the moment of this realization I had, but I am quite certain that it arose from the complete frustration and misery I was going through. For this is what I realized: Our lives are constantly evolving and with the change we have to adjust, otherwise we will be left behind in evolution. It is unfortunately usually the bad, the unexpected, the difficult part of life that has the most profound impact on our lives. When our lives become so hard, so intolerable that we are ready to crawl into a dark corner pulling a hood over our heads, desperately wishing the world to end, it is then that we are facing a choice. And an important choice it is, for our future happiness is depending on the next step we take. There are exactly three roads to choose from regardless of the situation.

First one is to do nothing, we will sit in that corner crying until there are no tears left. Then, with sore muscles, exhausted  soul and numb brain we slowly get up and accept that this is our life and there is no hope for a change and that we better suck it up and continue our drab, solidly grey, rather depressing existence. Then the second approach is anger, great resentment and hatred towards our world that is so unfair and cruel, the world that seems to provide all the good for others but never anything for us. The world that simply hates us. With the renewed energy and the anger that fuels our soul we jump off that dark corner, vowing to beat the world, to show others that we are no losers, others are, and we simply choose to ignore and forget that anything bad ever happened. Lastly comes my realization which is the third option. The road that I have, after a very long and extremely rough life full of setbacks, chosen to take. My road is that of treasures. I have made a conscious decision to look into my heart for the hidden treasure in every unfortunate event of my life. There is the corner in my heart reserved just for those treasures, a treasure box that is unfortunately getting rather large as I get older, a box that only I have a key to. In this box I have locked away the wisdom learned from my life’s misfortunes, unhappiness and disasters that have paved my path on this long and lonely journey.

Difficulties of life such as living with virtually no money and tossing and turning at night worrying about the next day and the reality that the day will be that of struggle and worry is no laughing matter. Yes, it is stressful when you have to constantly worry about trying to meet the day-to-day basic needs of yours and those loved ones so dependent on you. And yes, it is so easy to spend every waking moment fretting over the bad news your doctor gave you creating monsters and horror scenarios of your imminent future. And yes again, it is ever so easy to succumb under the pressure and sink into the dull existence numbing our senses and our brains. Everyone quite certainly has visited that place one time or another and knows exactly how it feels and how hard it is to wake up to the different world. To the world where one takes a leap of faith and starts to believe in herself by digging into the  uncharted corners of her existence thus finding strengths and gifts hiding behind the black veil of life that nobody knew even existed.  It is those gifts of unknown strength and surprise within us that are the most valued treasures of all. It is those little idiosyncrasies  in our personalities that we previously thought were drowning us that at the moment of great need will surface as our strengths and will pull us up from the depths of our misery.

So surprisingly it is our bad luck, misfortune, suffering and illness that are the building blocks of our true nature. Without suffering there is no need for a person to change, to contemplate his or her life and existence. There is no need for an intellectual and spiritual growth that comes when one is forced to look at herself honestly after all the black veils are drawn aside. It is then easy to go on living from birth to the grave blindfolded and deaf, without deeper sense of universe around us and without ever realizing our true spirituality and humanity. But if we open our eyes and our hearts to truly listen the universe wondrous thing will happen: Deep peace inside fills the void that we did not even know existed and the certainty that everything will be all right because we have everything given for us already penetrates through the consciousness alerting us to the fact that indeed we are lacking nothing. For majority of  people it takes suffering and unexpected encounters of life to come to this realization. For it is not until we have the need, a real need, that we truly start probing and searching the inner resources we have. And even then it might take a some mighty serious events before we truly realize the power within us. The gifts and skills that we were born with and some of which we have collected along the way, those are the building blocks for a solid foundation of life. So next time when the day feels overwhelming, the disaster looming and optimism disappearing try tapping to your unknown resources and remember the hidden treasures that lie deep buried in our misfortunes.

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Hi Everyone,

Before I let you read my essay I just like to give you a little update on my reality. THERE IS LOVE AFTER ABUSE. It was over a year ago I wrote this essay and now is about 1 year since I have  been living alone with my kids. I have found my true love and for all of you who are doubting that it could ever happen to you keep believing.

I wish you all have a good week and thank you for following Maiara Musings

Sincerely, Maiara

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Picture Taken by Maiara

Is There Love after Abuse?

An Essay, written by KKMaiaraM

This essay is of universal topic of love. I understand that there are countless other essays around about love, and that it might be overly idealized item any way, but I have to write about it because if I don’t I won’t be able to continue my life as a whole woman.  What an irony in life that me, the dreamer and absolute romantic, married a narcissist who turned out to be as romantic as petrified wood. Any of you who are cohabited a house with a narcissist can attest that the only love going around the person in question is the absolute self-love, and entitlement to get all the attention and admiration, anyone else is nonexistent and the word romance does not even exist in a vocabulary.

The reason for my need to write this essay is this man I have been friends with for so many years. I have grown to love him unconditionally and to accept him completely just the way he is. I realized this week because I saw him with his family and that he was very cold towards me, that just because I love him and that he likes me and thinks I am sexy (he told me that if I don’t know that I have sexy legs, then I have been spending too much time in a kitchen!!!! )  it does not mean that he will love me back. There might have been a chance of him wanting to love me if I was a complete hermit and never communicated other than listened to him with the smiling face. However,  I have made one commitment to myself as a newly independent woman finally freed from two decades of emotional abuse that under no circumstances am I going to pretend to be someone I am not just to please the other party. Nor am I going to do my things in secrecy for fear of rejection.

Back to the question about love after abuse, is it possible for one so badly bruised and hammered down to find love again. The heart is just a shell, eroded and suffered a lonely long-awaited death during the abusive years. Yet somewhere inside there is this little spark of hope dimming as I write in a shadow of fear of rejection and betrayal. How is one to know if it is possible to trust again, to love again. We were fooled before and thought ourselves so lucky, little did we know. Who is going to tell us if this time is any different? Is it maybe a cycle that keeps repeating?  Or how do we know that we are good enough? Look at me, completely rejected, what was I thinking? That someone actually could love all of me… not regardless but because of all the little quirks and oddities and not so great looks. I just feel very lonely and confused, sitting here alone writing and trying to find my way out of the darkness….. It seems that now I am stuck in self-pity, so I am going to take a break and find a quote that speaks to me and see if I can change the direction of my thoughts towards something more constructive.

……those who seek find….

“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type. 
” 
― Jarod KintzThe Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They’re Over.

“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction….” I feel very strong connection to this particular sentence. I think that I should approach the subject matter from the different angle all together. Maybe, just maybe, one always feels obsession about the person of one’s  affection thus becoming completely blinded to the life around. Our reality becomes almost like a fantasy, and we see and hear only that what fits into our dream while the true underlying message of the other party never reaches our consciousness. As we are staring star eyed for the “love of our life” he simply doesn’t want to hear us thus sending our words to the other direction never letting them to touch him. In a process our words of love will disperse to the great universe and might reach the ears of someone unexpected instead thus leading him to us. The great sadness in it all is that maybe he is the one we are meant to be with but us being blinded to the “great love” of ours we will never hear the words of the person who could truly love us thus sending his words back to the universe. And so the cycle will continue and who knows how many great love stories never got a chance.

I realize now that true love is not what I thought I had with the “love” of my life. How can it be, when during all these years I am the one creating all these fantasies and other than him doing some flirting in a beginning of our relationship he has never, ever being responsive. I truly believe that roots to this kind of relationship lie very deep in our soul. It is very safe to love someone who doesn’t love you back, and create wonderful fantasies of future, for if all the action happens in your imagination at least nobody will ever get close enough to hurt you again. Sure enough, once you realize that you have been rejected it hurts, but for that you can only blame yourself. On the other hand, if you were to admit someone real, a man who actually were to ask you out for dinner and who genuinely would be interested in you and could appreciate all the little oddities that make up your persona the game would become so much more dangerous, for then there is a high chance to be hurt and betrayed again. After going around in circles I am back to the beginning: Is there love after abuse?

I don’t know if it is possible to learn to love again to heal and find trust in another person after such a long time of abuse. I don’t know if anybody can love me, for I do feel very flawed. I don’t even know how to date for according to my teenage daughter I am straight from the dark ages. I don’t know where to find love and I definitely don’t know if my heart is truly broken and damaged or is it just in permafrost ready to start blooming from even a little human affection. I just don’t know the answer to my own question. But I do know this: I will put my foot on the shore and start a new journey. I will keep walking with dignity to my future praying that my heart is not permanently damaged but only in hibernation and once it is truly awakened, then my soul-mate will find me and my words of love will not be bounced back to the universe but will be cherished in a heart of my true love.

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