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Maiara Musings

"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein

Tag Archives: dating

Hi, it has been awhile. I will no more make promises to write for it seems that I am completely out of my league in a time management department. I find being a single mom is so time-consuming that by the time I get time in the evening, I pretty much crash in my bed. And I have added Tarot course to the daily routine, which is turning out to being a lot of work and will last about 2 years. I have not, however given up my blog even though it may seem so. I just have to get my ducks in a row and  figure out how to make days stretch and eliminate all the unnecessary things from my schedule. But have to say that my personal life is just getting better every day. The things i have learned to handle after divorce and the strength that is coming back from being surrounded by very optimistic people is very amazing. I am simply happy, slightly over stretched but so happy. And to realize that my blog in 13 months have had over 4000 visitors is very wonderful. For that I just wanted to thank you all. I shall continue my writing once the inspiration strikes. Please come back to read my essays, it is kind of mixed lot because I have not dedicated this blog to anything other than love for writing.

Maiara

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Hi Everyone, I can see that I have missed my promised posting date at the end of each month already by 9 days. I apologize. I really have no excuse other than that my ADD is kind of worse right now because of the Taxes have to be filed by the end of this month, a relationship that is confusing the hell out of me, couple of teenagers at home with their brilliant ideas and  of course my new online course I started.

I have not posted anything about ADD on my blog yet, because I have been dealing with much bigger issues but that is perhaps something I should write about, to get my kriss crossed brain in some kind of order and to find a solution for my distraction both at work and at home. For although I don’t think that ADD is a disorder, I do know that it poses certain challenges along the many gifts it provides. And until I was diagnosed as an adult with ADD that is rather severe kind – but which has not been big problem (other than disappearing socks, keys, kids [just kidding] thoughts, time, papers, relationships and everything else practical) – I did feel frustrated and mentally challenged for most of the time and that was a big cause of feeling inferior. I could never figure it out why cooking, cleaning, parenting, taking care of practical matters was so hard and felt like I was doing a theses for PhD leaving me exhausted after even the simplest task. As an after thought I of course realize now that the exhaustion is not from actual task, but from the huge concentration it takes to be able to finish the task in any kind of reasonable time that for most would only take fraction of time and no effort to finish.eep

So it is a lengthy excuse, but please have mercy. I will see about the essay for the end of the month and I truly try to stay true to my word. However, since I have like so much going on right now I can not promise for sure that I have time to write a full essay on subject matter. I will keep you posted and let you know regardless at the end of this month the good news I am bound to have.

Enjoy the spring and sun and please remember, world is not about disorders but variety. We all have our peculiarites and that should be a gift for world would be very boring place if everyone were to think same way or to look the same way. Variety it what we need and what we should embrace, not tame.

Thank you for visitin Maiara Musings

Maiara

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Here I am, sitting at work in a basement where my desk is, with no heating system. The not so quiet humming of the heater beside me and my new finger-less gloves  keep my otherwise frozen hands functioning so that I can work. It is cold in Canada this year, no matter where you go. I have spent time thinking about something optimistic about this winter. There are few things that I can say are great

1) When the spring and summer finally arrives everyone will be able to appreciate the weather and there will be way less weather related complaints than usually

2) While defrosting my windshield wipers this morning and praying that the car would start, it came to me to count my blessings that I do have a car – less the garage since the divorce of course.

3) The mold does not grow in this frigid temperature neither does my fire alarm go off from the steam after my shower.

4) Since I have a legitimate reason not to go out running this winter due to weather hazards I don’t have to feel guilty. I can instead spend that time writing and relaxing at home.

5) I have definitely decided that when I move next time, I shall wish for a fireplace. For what would nicer than enjoying a glass of wine in front of a fire-place looking in to the mesmerizing glow of fire……

6) And lastly, snow is not melting and kids are having a blast going skiing more than usually

So, now that I wrote down all this I feel much happier already and instead of feeling sorry for myself and depressed I come to realize that it is not the weather that dictates the state of my mind, but my spirit. And right now my spirits are very high, for I am so happy. Please take out your pens and write down your own lists of seasonal reasons, there are many ways to be happy and appreciate the day just the way it is. I better post this now and return to my work. Those who have not visited Maiara Musings before please take your time and check out my essays.

Maiara

https://maiaramusings.wordpress.com/

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Hi Everyone, please enjoy the essay. I will be posting next time at the end of March. Most likely continuing on the subject of Dating, since it is so close to my heart now days.

Maiara

Online Dating: Perils and Benefits 

Online Dating, there is a word to digest. And I know being single, woman, new to the dating scene, absolutely confused and  in danger to being depressed that this issue is one worthy of writing an essay on. I can’t really decide if the problem lies in me, the quality of men online, luck or lack of it more precisely, modern times or our society. To be fair, it would be not wise to pinpoint my lack of success in one singular item, but maybe it is all of above in various combinations. For certainly what ever the reason is, after only one month online I am heavily leaning towards the option of quitting my online presence in favor of reaching out through more conventional ways of finding man.

I have done what I consider a reasonable attempt to aid my success finding a companion, but to no avail. What is it with these sites that rub me against my grain; I think it is like being an advertisement in one glossy magazine. Most people put their pictures there and not only one but several pictures and I heard of one lady who has 10 pictures but men are asking even more. Then she goes to meet the man just never to hear from him again. Sadly feeling down and flawed afterwards, the man did like the way she looked after all, she can’t figure out what is going on? Is it then her personality that is not good? Of course not, it is the quality of men that are asking her out. They are not looking for a lady to get to know but a short time torrid affair and once they figure out that she is not one to engage on that kind of behaviour without first doing proper dating they are just not going to ask her out again.  The point of displaying so many pictures therefore is totally unnecessary because it seems to attract the wrong kind of crowd. One or two good quality pictures would suffice and give enough clues for the man if the lady is to his liking or not. I don’t personally have any interest on a man who posts many pictures of himself; it seems very self-centered thing to do. As a matter of fact picture is of no interest for me at all. I have certain criteria but that is not the face value. For the beauty of the person lies in his/her personality and soul, and the lines of the face show the map of life that he has traveled to get where he is now. The picture gives only a whisper of that person behind the facade. It would be a great mistake to dismiss anyone just based on their picture, for anyone who has ever fallen in love can attest that beauty is not the physical appearance but the person inside that body.

This brings us naturally to the importance of profile text. There are as many different approaches to that one as there are people looking for company. Some are very short and some very long. There are people with great stories and people with lists, and for sure there is a grain of truth imbedded between the words. Those words that are there to make us seem exciting and worthy a connection and they are important reflection of who we are. There is no right or wrong way to write the profile text, but it should be written from the heart. Such a way that it reflects who we are. For then, the person reading it can get a true sense of the writer and if that connection feels meaningful then the dialog that may follow can lead to the beginning of a new relationship. For the initial attraction is not based on the one-dimensional picture of a person, it is based on the personality that is hiding behind that picture. Here it would be good to remind everyone that there is a great power to the words, to the way one writes the profile text. We actually can do our own elimination of unsuitable suitors by writing our text in such a way that those on our “unwanted” list are not going to even be interested in us. This will save us the hassle and embarrassment of going for disastrous dates that leave us feeling confused and deflated.

So your profile has attracted a suitor, finally. And the first awaited message arrives to your mail box. With great excitement you open the mail and start reading, of course first satisfying your curiosity by going to see the profile of that unknown man on the other end. To your great delight or disappointment there may or may not have a picture of your dream man staring back at you with a profile text that sends your blood rushing through your veins and imagination running rampant for the romance and happy ending after all. Slow down my friend, take a deep breath and readjust your reality. You have no idea what you are getting into. Seemingly he may appear to be your dream solidified and it seems like a no brainer to start intensive exchange of the emails and little phone calls until one day he finally will ask to meet in person. But, as stated earlier, he may or may not be all that wonderful and you may be setting yourself up for a great huge disappointment and heart ache at the end. The picture might be very old, or not even his. The writing is easy, for those who know how and on paper very simple to lie and make things appear so much glossier than the reality. If  he is as good-looking as the picture suggests he might just have an ego as large as a mountain, where everything at the end is just about him. He is after all used to being in a centre of the attention and having women drooling over him. But if he has the looks and the personality, then you might just have hit the jack pot and you should count your blessings, go buy a lotto ticket and enjoy the ride. Oh yes, I almost forgot, you also better send out a prayer that you will be as perfect for him as he appears to be for you.

All right, now that the previous scenario is out-of-the-way then how about the rest 99% of us? We also open up that first message with the great excitement and there he is. Not a prince of our dreams but a man with an interesting profile text, a text that has that something in it, that something we can not quite put our finger on. So in order to satisfy our curiosity we reply, even though he might not have the looks we were looking for. And he replies back, with a wit that makes us smile and thus the exchange of messages starts to take place. Maybe those messages are not very passionate, but certainly they are very funny and interesting. And as time goes by, you will be more and more amazed of the respect he shows you through his writing and the intelligence that lies behind his words. Before you know you are getting restless, restless to hear those words of asking you out. Anticipation of meeting this man who makes you smile and giggle like a teenager makes you nervous, for now you start hoping that you are going to be equally interesting to him. You have the genuine interest to get to know him better. And sure enough, the date is set and as a true gentleman he is willing to drive to meet you. You get to choose the location to your convenience.

What to wear? How to fix the hair? Which shoes to match with the outfit? And the purse? Our mind is suddenly filled with all these live or die important decisions that we have to make in order to feel presentable. I have to say that although important, the physical outfit is not as important as the way we wear it. I would think that the man can appreciate the woman most when she is comfortable in her own skin, dress and shoes. In any case most men have no clue whether you are wearing the luxurious designer clothing or something more moderate. But I can guarantee that any man will be acutely aware of a woman with self-confidence and poise, a woman of inner strength and beauty who can walk in with any clothing and hold the attention of the room she enters. Be that woman, be the woman who with her presence signals to him that she is someone worthy his time and effort to be pursued.

Here ladies is what I have discovered from books, magazines and talking to others: Men truly are not like us!!!!! They like the challenge and they like to please, so the best gift you can give to your new date is to have him do the work while you relax and enjoy the ride. When you finally meet him face to face for the first date just put your head up and be feminine be proud to be you. Carry yourself with great confidence and let him feel how lucky he is to have asked you out. Be yourself and relax, let the past be past and don’t worry about future. What really matters is the present and the great excitement of getting to know this new person in front of you. It does not matter if he is the one. It does not matter if he is going to ask you out again. What matters is the experience, the joy of feeling part of something bigger, something very universal and ageless, something that will never die: The attraction and the fascination between two unknown entities, male and female.

The subject of dating is highly complex, yet so simple. I could go on for ever and still not find the right ending. Therefore I have decided that this is a suitable place for me to finish this essay and that I am most likely to continue on the subject matter on my next essay. I have to say, that I have by the time I got this essay this far, successfully started to date with the most wonderful man who found me on dating site. I do not know where our relationship is heading but why worry about the future when you can enjoy the present. Right now I am just truly happy, and deep inside I dare to hope that he is the one…..

KKMaiara

February 2014

http://www.maiaramusings.wordpress.com

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Written by Maiara for the New Year wish

FISH DREAMS – a Poem

I waited so long for a fish like you to come along

I felt I finally found my place right beside you and completely safe

So I tried and I dreamed but our relationship was not what it seemed

I was not the one you wished to catch

A fish too strange to be your match

You will never know what you missed, now that this weird lonely fish to give up decided

So now the fish is free and shyly peeking behind the reef

“Good grief how can this be? There are so many fish in this vast and wonderful sea”

Everything had changed from the past she remembered 

So behind the reef she stayed and she dreamed

“Oh great”

She smiled as at the distance two fishes acquainted

“NO!!!! It is a fish and a shark”

“Now it is only a shark”

With the fervent shivers of horror the little fish started a prayer

“Dear angels of fish, please grant me this wish

I ain’t but simple by the standards of glamour, my fins are fine but lacking the color

Inside, you see, in a world of my own

I am fun and colorful and fairly easy to get along

Please protect me from sharks and traps of the sea so I don’t have to be any other than me”

“Please angels of fish, this is really a simple wish

Let me start anew and gracefully swim to the places I never knew

Then send the fish of my dreams to me

And let him guide me gently out from this vast and wonderful but confusing sea”

THANK YOU

For all of you I wish happy new year and may your dreams come true

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Hi Everyone,

Before I let you read my essay I just like to give you a little update on my reality. THERE IS LOVE AFTER ABUSE. It was over a year ago I wrote this essay and now is about 1 year since I have  been living alone with my kids. I have found my true love and for all of you who are doubting that it could ever happen to you keep believing.

I wish you all have a good week and thank you for following Maiara Musings

Sincerely, Maiara

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Picture Taken by Maiara

Is There Love after Abuse?

An Essay, written by KKMaiaraM

This essay is of universal topic of love. I understand that there are countless other essays around about love, and that it might be overly idealized item any way, but I have to write about it because if I don’t I won’t be able to continue my life as a whole woman.  What an irony in life that me, the dreamer and absolute romantic, married a narcissist who turned out to be as romantic as petrified wood. Any of you who are cohabited a house with a narcissist can attest that the only love going around the person in question is the absolute self-love, and entitlement to get all the attention and admiration, anyone else is nonexistent and the word romance does not even exist in a vocabulary.

The reason for my need to write this essay is this man I have been friends with for so many years. I have grown to love him unconditionally and to accept him completely just the way he is. I realized this week because I saw him with his family and that he was very cold towards me, that just because I love him and that he likes me and thinks I am sexy (he told me that if I don’t know that I have sexy legs, then I have been spending too much time in a kitchen!!!! )  it does not mean that he will love me back. There might have been a chance of him wanting to love me if I was a complete hermit and never communicated other than listened to him with the smiling face. However,  I have made one commitment to myself as a newly independent woman finally freed from two decades of emotional abuse that under no circumstances am I going to pretend to be someone I am not just to please the other party. Nor am I going to do my things in secrecy for fear of rejection.

Back to the question about love after abuse, is it possible for one so badly bruised and hammered down to find love again. The heart is just a shell, eroded and suffered a lonely long-awaited death during the abusive years. Yet somewhere inside there is this little spark of hope dimming as I write in a shadow of fear of rejection and betrayal. How is one to know if it is possible to trust again, to love again. We were fooled before and thought ourselves so lucky, little did we know. Who is going to tell us if this time is any different? Is it maybe a cycle that keeps repeating?  Or how do we know that we are good enough? Look at me, completely rejected, what was I thinking? That someone actually could love all of me… not regardless but because of all the little quirks and oddities and not so great looks. I just feel very lonely and confused, sitting here alone writing and trying to find my way out of the darkness….. It seems that now I am stuck in self-pity, so I am going to take a break and find a quote that speaks to me and see if I can change the direction of my thoughts towards something more constructive.

……those who seek find….

“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type. 
” 
― Jarod KintzThe Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They’re Over.

“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction….” I feel very strong connection to this particular sentence. I think that I should approach the subject matter from the different angle all together. Maybe, just maybe, one always feels obsession about the person of one’s  affection thus becoming completely blinded to the life around. Our reality becomes almost like a fantasy, and we see and hear only that what fits into our dream while the true underlying message of the other party never reaches our consciousness. As we are staring star eyed for the “love of our life” he simply doesn’t want to hear us thus sending our words to the other direction never letting them to touch him. In a process our words of love will disperse to the great universe and might reach the ears of someone unexpected instead thus leading him to us. The great sadness in it all is that maybe he is the one we are meant to be with but us being blinded to the “great love” of ours we will never hear the words of the person who could truly love us thus sending his words back to the universe. And so the cycle will continue and who knows how many great love stories never got a chance.

I realize now that true love is not what I thought I had with the “love” of my life. How can it be, when during all these years I am the one creating all these fantasies and other than him doing some flirting in a beginning of our relationship he has never, ever being responsive. I truly believe that roots to this kind of relationship lie very deep in our soul. It is very safe to love someone who doesn’t love you back, and create wonderful fantasies of future, for if all the action happens in your imagination at least nobody will ever get close enough to hurt you again. Sure enough, once you realize that you have been rejected it hurts, but for that you can only blame yourself. On the other hand, if you were to admit someone real, a man who actually were to ask you out for dinner and who genuinely would be interested in you and could appreciate all the little oddities that make up your persona the game would become so much more dangerous, for then there is a high chance to be hurt and betrayed again. After going around in circles I am back to the beginning: Is there love after abuse?

I don’t know if it is possible to learn to love again to heal and find trust in another person after such a long time of abuse. I don’t know if anybody can love me, for I do feel very flawed. I don’t even know how to date for according to my teenage daughter I am straight from the dark ages. I don’t know where to find love and I definitely don’t know if my heart is truly broken and damaged or is it just in permafrost ready to start blooming from even a little human affection. I just don’t know the answer to my own question. But I do know this: I will put my foot on the shore and start a new journey. I will keep walking with dignity to my future praying that my heart is not permanently damaged but only in hibernation and once it is truly awakened, then my soul-mate will find me and my words of love will not be bounced back to the universe but will be cherished in a heart of my true love.

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