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Maiara Musings

“"Problems can not be solved by the level of awareness that created them" Albert Einstein”

Tag Archives: Divorce

May 15, 2014 Over 4000 visitors, thank you everyone

Hi, it has been awhile. I will no more make promises to write for it seems that I am completely out of my league in a time management department. I find being a single mom is so time-consuming that by the time I get time in the evening, I pretty much crash in my bed. And I have added Tarot course to the daily routine, which is turning out to being a lot of work and will last about 2 years. I have not, however given up my blog even though it may seem so. I just have to get my ducks in a row and  figure out how to make days stretch and eliminate all the unnecessary things from my schedule. But have to say that my personal life is just getting better every day. The things i have learned to handle after divorce and the strength that is coming back from being surrounded by very optimistic people is very amazing. I am simply happy, slightly over stretched but so happy. And to realize that my blog in 13 months have had over 4000 visitors is very wonderful. For that I just wanted to thank you all. I shall continue my writing once the inspiration strikes. Please come back to read my essays, it is kind of mixed lot because I have not dedicated this blog to anything other than love for writing.

Maiara

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March 3, 2014 Winter – list of good things about it

Here I am, sitting at work in a basement where my desk is, with no heating system. The not so quiet humming of the heater beside me and my new finger-less gloves  keep my otherwise frozen hands functioning so that I can work. It is cold in Canada this year, no matter where you go. I have spent time thinking about something optimistic about this winter. There are few things that I can say are great

1) When the spring and summer finally arrives everyone will be able to appreciate the weather and there will be way less weather related complaints than usually

2) While defrosting my windshield wipers this morning and praying that the car would start, it came to me to count my blessings that I do have a car – less the garage since the divorce of course.

3) The mold does not grow in this frigid temperature neither does my fire alarm go off from the steam after my shower.

4) Since I have a legitimate reason not to go out running this winter due to weather hazards I don’t have to feel guilty. I can instead spend that time writing and relaxing at home.

5) I have definitely decided that when I move next time, I shall wish for a fireplace. For what would nicer than enjoying a glass of wine in front of a fire-place looking in to the mesmerizing glow of fire……

6) And lastly, snow is not melting and kids are having a blast going skiing more than usually

So, now that I wrote down all this I feel much happier already and instead of feeling sorry for myself and depressed I come to realize that it is not the weather that dictates the state of my mind, but my spirit. And right now my spirits are very high, for I am so happy. Please take out your pens and write down your own lists of seasonal reasons, there are many ways to be happy and appreciate the day just the way it is. I better post this now and return to my work. Those who have not visited Maiara Musings before please take your time and check out my essays.

Maiara

https://maiaramusings.wordpress.com/

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November 27, 2013 LONELINESS – an aftermath of divorce

Hi everyone, thank you for visiting Maiara Musings. Now before Christmas, those who are lonely are really lonely. Including me of course, so I had to write this essay about loneliness and look deep into my soul to see why is it that I feel lonely, even though I have not been this happy in years. Hope that you will enjoy the essay and please leave a comment if you so wish. I am debating what to write next month, would it be about cyber love or maybe about letting go of the past. So please come back in a month and you shall see. Happy reading. Sincerely Maiara

LONELINESS – AN AFTERMATH OF DIVORCE: An Essay Written by Maiara

Loneliness, that feeling of the aching heart and loss of love haunting you like only a ghost of the past can do.  The time you sit alone wondering about your life past and dreams lost, the optimism of the youth weighted down by the disappointments of reality. The small wrinkles around the corners of your eyes magnified by the newly acquired reading glasses and the well-worn old bath robe tightly hugging  your body giving you the comfort while you are trying to escape to the world of imagination by reading the latest romance novel on the market. The rain is drumming on your window matching your mood, the ever so scary and alarmingly often coming visitor – depression – is knocking on the door of your soul and you are holding tighter to the reality by making plans to escape the inevitable downslide of your mental state. Those are the times we feel so alone, so at the mercy of our faith and our new environment, wondering if we are ever going to be whole again after the nightmare of divorce.

Loneliness is not a bad thing in itself; it has a way of comforting us and giving us a break from the everyday hassles and noises. It can be a great teacher for the souls in distress and the guiding light out from the darkness. The problem lies not therefore in the loneliness per se but in the depths of our very own existence. We have let, over the years of our marriage and interaction with others, the opinions of those around us to shape us to someone who suits them, that fits in to their idea of a normal, acceptable individual and played the role they have assigned for us.  Suddenly alone, in a new environment, in a new role of a single person surrounded by new people we are faced with the new reality. Reality where we don’t fit in anymore because we are used to playing the role of that once married, once part of something, once belonging to someone else that was assigned to us by the very person we so naively thought would love us until the end of the time.

Thus here I am, early hours on Sunday morning sitting on my kitchen couch contemplating my life and not just any part of my life but that nagging feeling of maybe. Maybe I won’t ever find someone who can love me truly and unconditionally, maybe I am damaged goods after years of abuse, maybe I am not good enough to the man who would be able to love me, maybe I ran out of luck or maybe I just have to accept the loneliness and kill the dream of finding someone to share my life with. So many maybes but no solutions, or is there? How can one find a solution to something as abstract as loneliness, for one can be the loneliest person on earth amidst the huge crowd of people?

There is nothing lonelier in this life than that of an unsuccessful marriage, and I should know having been the loneliest wife, mother, woman, human being walking on this earth that I have ever met. Having been rejected, pushed aside and thrown away over and over again by the very same person that was supposed to love me makes me somewhat of an expert on the subject of loneliness. So why am I sitting and being afraid of loneliness then? Do I really wish to be whisked back to the world of acceptance and start a new role, this time that of someone else, just so that I won’t feel lonely anymore and to risk being rejected and pushed aside again. No, I do not wish that at all, for intellectually speaking I realize that loneliness is something we create inside ourselves and it is not related to being in a relationship. Unless one is so lucky as to find his or her soul mate in this life, the journey we all have ahead of us is that of a lonely wanderer and it is our thoughts and actions that define us in relation to the space around us. It is not the other people surrounding us but us as individuals who create our own mental space and our own world to inhabit. It should be us defining the persons we allow to our space and it should be our own integrity that allows those very people to be just the way they are without us trying to impose on them some role so that we would feel less lonely and more accepted when around them. Our gift for those around us should thus be that of complete acceptance and non judgement, for at the end that is exactly what we wish for others to do for us.

So theoretically speaking all is well, I understand the concept of loneliness, but whenever I am faced with weekends alone while kids are with their dad, or broken car, meetings with the divorce lawyer, smiling couples walking and holding hands etc. I feel that feeling of loneliness magnified. Those are real emotions I face in real life and I am really trying to make sense of them. Maybe the reason that I feel so lonely is that I really wish to meet my soul mate and that is  the dream I had since I was a teenager. This dream of mine has remained only a fantasy, seemingly impossible to attain during those two decades I was bound to the man who definitely was not my soul mate. But now that I find myself single again my old dream has gotten new wings, wings that will eventually fly me all the way to the waiting arms of my soul mate. Maybe that is the reason I feel so lonely now for I feel like a little baby bird who knows that she has the wings but has no idea how to use them­­­ while all the other birds around her are flying high leaving the little bird all alone and lonely. There she then sits suspiciously looking down the humongous drop that she will face if those wings won’t hold when she finally gathers her courage to leave the security of the nest to join the other birds.

I woke up at 5am this morning with the startling realization; my mind had obviously been on high alert to finish this essay while I was sound a sleep. There it was, the solution that was not a solution but deep understanding of the root cause of loneliness that I highly suspect is not only valid for me but for many others as well. We have set up this internal boundary to ourselves without even being aware of its implications, the boundary that has no visible line or definition but there it is as solid as anything staring right at our face magnifying the state of our mind and the feeling of loneliness. The boundary is that of self liking. The price that we are now paying for letting others define our role in their lives by dutifully playing the part assigned to us is often very high and so well hidden that we never even realized it existed. In a process of trying to fit in and to belong so that we would not find ourselves lonely, we have modified our own behavior often blindly trading our own values to those of the person or persons we wish to be connected with. That approach can, if those values are far off from our own, be very destructive. For when one is suddenly standing alone after the relationship is over, what is left is one completely lost lonely person with a baggage full of wrong values accompanied by the shadow of someone she can’t even recognize. So ultimately the loneliness is when one is left to face her own thoughts, thoughts that reflect who she has become accompanied with the realization that the person inside is a complete stranger and not even good company, but a stranger she has grown to dislike immensely and would never choose as a companion if given a choice. Paradoxically enough the only way out from the loneliness is to be alone until you can look at yourself in a mirror and see in your reflection the person that you actually like to be with. It is only then than you will be strong enough to try your new wings and soar towards your dreams without the fear of crashing.

 

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November 7, 2013 1000 Persons Read my essay – How about that for a number

Hi everyone, this is just a little celebration to share. Yesterday was 1000 people who have read my essay My House or is it Home – an Essay. I feel that I am making a difference and thank you all of you for coming to read my essays. Since I am at it I also would like to promote my October essay HOW OUR MISFORTUNES SHAPE US – AN ESSAY which not too many of you have found, but I strongly recommend you reading it for it could be just what you needed on a grey almost winter here waiting for the snow day, or otherwise downcast day when all you wish to do is to pull that cover over your head and never get off the bed again. Please come back at the end of November. I will be posting a new essay discussing the loneliness after divorce on it.

Maiara

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July 20, 2013 Finally at HOME…. I am so at peace now. Next post after this will be towards end of September

Hi Everyone,

I hope that your week was as great as mine. First, my car is fixed and I am feeling all right after the accident, no lasting injuries. Secondly I finally moved in, and boy did I ever have one interesting moving day not to mention the fact that the weather was boiling hot. But I made it and I have already slept 3 nights in my new home. I can’t even start to describe the peace and happiness that is filling my soul and my mind. I wake up in the morning sun tickling my face, completely relaxed and content. On  the verge of new life, I am like a teenager learning to take charge of my life. Can’t believe that I actually made it happen, to separate myself  from the narcissistic husband  of 20 years and to be strong enough not to be drawn back to his devious web of  illusions. Due to the fact that I have no internet, phone or tv yet I am writing this on Saturday on my lunch break at work and post it as well today. I truly love writing but I believe firmly that the quality of my writing should stay up to some standards and that I wish to continue write essays I will have to take a 2 months break from this blog and start again towards end of September. From then on I will be posting only once a month for as a single mother I will not have a chance to spend more time on this blog. However, those of you who have not visited my blog before, I hope that you would take your time to read my other posts in a meanwhile. What can I say, have a great couple of months and I will be back in September.

Thank you for visiting Maiara Musings, Maiara

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July 7, 2013 Divorce – Lessons Learned, the List of Late Realizations

Hi Everyone,

I hope that you all had a good and productive week. It seems that my time is just flying by now days when my move from the house is coming close. It is rather weird phenomena, since my days are much longer than usual because I am having so many sleepless nights. Waking up around 4 in the mornings is getting really tiring, then again it is just great for the writing. House is quiet and nobody disturbs me at all. This week I wrote down a list of things that I learned in this process of divorce. Those are maybe not that special in itself, but sometimes when you are in a middle of the divorce nothing is as it should and it is very easy to underestimate the other side from the sheer exhaustion and that could turn out really expensive on the long run. So it is better to be mentally prepared for the task before even starting the divorce procedures ( if you are the one asking for divorce). If you are taken by surprise by the other party then of course there is no way to be prepared but at least you should be very quick to find the information before the time passes. I hope that you will find some use for my list and that it makes you think about things among the complete chaos and upset. Life will get better after the storm, we just have to find strength in us to start a new life. I wish you all wonderful coming week, and I will be posting next Sunday again. Thank you for visiting Maiara Musings

Sincerely, Maiara

Lessons Learned in Divorce ……. – List of late realizations

  1. Sit down, take a deep breath and …… jump. Hey, before you jump and start the fall to unknown take a pen and paper and write down the date. Then go make a cup of your favorite beverage and center you mind before taking a long and hard look into your life. If you are the one wanting to ask for divorce, then you are in better position but even if you feel like someone just hit you with the hammer with the news of wanting to divorce you, you will be better than ok. For nobody asks for the divorce without the reason and usually those reasons turns out to be best for you on a long run even though you might not see it like that initially.
  2. Now that your mind is calmer, jot down on that paper the very reason you wish for the divorce, or the very reason why it will be better for you to divorce. Note that even if you are heart-broken and don’t want to divorce after the party has calmly declared they are leaving, then if nothing else comes to mind write down that you don’t want to live with someone who has lost their love for you, for you deserve to be loved and cherished and nothing less of that will do.
  3. This next thing might sound odd, but it is very important psychologically. Write down, after very careful consideration, what is the worst thing that can happen as a result of this divorce and are you willing to accept and live with that. I give you an example what it was for me. My ex threatened me with financial aspects of our divorce, so I took a hard look into my material wealth and comfort I am living now in and this is what I decided. Maximum worst thing that can happen to me is that I will end up declaring bankruptcy, moving to the social housing and working on some unidentified minimum wage job with the boss from hell and kids choosing to live with their dad. After I pinpointed my biggest fear and realized that I can live with the consequences funny thing happened, my ex lost all his power over me. For he can not threaten me with anything after that since I am fully aware of the worst case scenario and I am not scared of it because I know that I can live the life of my biggest fear as long as that life does not include him. Even if the kids were to live with the other party, remember that it is not always quantity but quality that counts.
  4. Make a decision of the way you will treat him from the beginning. Since the divorce is emotionally highly charged situation it is best to consider it as any other business transaction, that is with no emotion, just calm surface with no blaming but informing. You are so allowed to fume and hate and scream and blame and have extreme anxiety as long as you don’t show it to the other party. The way I see it, that calmness and absolute coldness towards the other party is the best revenge. For it shows them that the whole relationship was of no importance at all and now it is just down to business to end it (remember that it is only the impression that matters, what you think inside is entirely other matter but no longer any business of them). And also it is like a layer of protection since if you don’t lose it in front of the other one then no words that can be regretted or that could be used later on in a court will be voiced and also it will reduce the actual fighting and blaming game to almost non-existent which, in most cases, is best especially for those with children stuck in a middle.
  5. Do not delay getting the lawyer. Once the decision about the divorce is done it is best to immediately find a lawyer. For it is very likely that the other party will do mostly anything to make things difficult and delay things. Sooner you start better and also that way you will be then informed on your rights from early on thus chances of avoiding costly mistakes will be lower. But even with the lawyers you have to be aware that not all of them are great, so it is up to you to educate yourself before you meet with one so that you have a general idea of the questions that affect you. But be aware that if you search information on internet, it is best to find it on government website because a private person who has written the list may correct but may not live in your country and the laws between different countries may vary greatly.
  6. Do not discuss money, let the lawyers deal with money matters and don’t make any arrangement about money or property without asking your lawyer first. It is futile to go into finances for that is the second great issue in a divorce after children. Therefore just keep to informing about necessary everyday matters nothing else and if the other party insists on manipulating you with financial decisions you can just calmly him or her that they can wait to hear from your lawyer.
  7. Do not trust him on anything even if the subject matter seems very innocent or if it seems like something that nobody would ever lie about it. Trust me, you would be for a very nasty surprise if you were me…..I have been so trusting even after all the horrendous things he has said to me. Have nobody to blame but myself and price is high, although I do acknowledge that I have become co-dependent over the 20 years and always trusted him, even the times when I knew he was not honest. So old habits are hard to break, but please do break them sooner rather than later.
  8. Always get a second opinion. There are countless little things and many bigger what comes to divorce and everything will seem overwhelming. I have learned, surprise, surprise that had I not taken the easy way out and trusted him on certain things but gone straight to someone else for second opinion then I would have been out of this house months ago and with more money I am sure. But I was so tired, so exhausted that at the time I chose to believe him on very big decisions about the house and other things just to find out at the end by chance that he had lied to me big time. Had I gone for someone and asked for second opinion I would have never, ever agreed to his ideas.
  9. Learn, Learn Learn and be brave for there will be zillion and more new things that from now on you will have to do by yourself. They may seem like really scary and hopeless jumble of very boring and alien stuff. For some it might be anywhere from learning to pay bills to dealing with car mechanic, whereas for others it may be something more domestic like learning to cook and take care of basic household chores like laundry. Whatever it is it won’t go away, so sooner you learn to deal with it better, for it reduces anxiety considerably when you have actually achieved something new and realized that not only is it doable but you might actually like doing it.
  10. Start packing for it is extremely therapeutic. If you know that you will be moving, then the best thing is packing. It is very good to start as soon as possible. It will make your life easier on a long rung and will remind you of new beginnings. Not to mention that usually people have a lot more possessions than they think and this is an excellent opportunity to meditate on your new life. What is it that you truly love, do you want to move memories, is something broken etc. I started to pack from the very beginning and I decided that I will only move things that I love, cherish and need. If anything is broken or reminds me of my ex, I won’t take it with me. For me new beginning mean just that, new beginnings. The best part is that now that I am actually just about to move, I have virtually nothing to pack because mostly everything is done, thus reducing the stress of moving greatly.
  11. Be honest with your kids about the divorce. This is particularly important in situations where you are leaving abusive relationship and the other party is master of manipulation and giving the children entirely wrong idea about everything, an idea where he or she is so misunderstood and so good and you end up being the evil incarnation. Children know when things are wrong but if parents are denying what children already know intuitively and by observation, it makes situation very scary for them. Each parent should take into consideration the age and the individual nature of the child when deciding how to inform him or her. Just remember that children know when parents are not being honest with them, when the signals are all mixed up and don’t make any sense to them and it is very confusing and scary for their little worlds.
  12. Find support for yourself. It might be few close friends, support group, your parents and siblings or therapist. If you are lucky maybe you will have them all. There will be days that you just need to vent out and have a sympathetic ear to listen to your misery. If you have questions and doubts or otherwise a really bad day, they will help you to feel stronger. If you feel lonely, they will help you to feel loved. If you feel lost, they will help you to find your way back. Don’t be afraid to ask help, for now is time that you really need it and when your friends and family need help you know that you will be there for them, so don’t feel guilty about asking them now.
  13. Take care of yourself. In a stressful situation like divorce it is so easy to forget the overall well-being of yourself when there are so many other rather miserable things to consider. But, taking care of yourself is very important and will help you to feel good about yourself. I have gone through the entire process of divorcing my emotionally abusive husband with the principal that my father thought me. He said that no matter how miserable you feel or how sorry you feel for yourself, you just have to wake up every morning and fix yourself really pretty. Then when you go out you will smile and put your nose right up to the air and show the others that you own the world with your self-confidence. By the way, you don’t have to feel pretty or self-confident to do this, all you need is to pretend, it is like being an actor for the day and others don’t have to know the real situation of your life. The beauty of this is the following: When others think you so happy and self-confident they will treat you with smile on their face and respect, and before you know you will treat yourself the same way and more often than not by the time it is evening you realize that you truly had a great day and that you did feel like you owned the world and pretty.
  14. Reward yourself  after the divorce is finalized and you have started your new life. So the days you feel really down thinking of bad thoughts you can think of what you will be doing after all this is over instead. My reward is going to be a very fine camera that I have dreamed of for so many years. The reward does not have to be materialistic, it can be something quite different like finally taking time to start a sport or even evening walks with a good friend after the day’s chores are done. Possibilities are endless and we should be very optimistic about our new lives. Remember that positive attitude brings positive experiences and people to our lives and dwelling in past is useless unless you know how to time travel back in time.

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June 23, 2013 HOME – I am almost there: an Essay

Picture taken by KKMaiaraM

Hi everyone,

I hope that your week has passed peacefully. I am today going to discuss the transition I am in. I am finally less than a month away from this unimaginable moment of my dream of getting keys to my freedom. For those of you who haven’t followed my blog, I only post once a week, that is Sundays and I try to be very consistent on that. Those of you who have read my posts previously would know that this is direct reference to my essay “House or is it Home” and I would strongly recommend that if you have not yet read that essay you should read it in order to get deeper understanding why this moment is such a wonderful feeling of anticipation for me. For me the last few weeks in this old house, which definitely has not been my home, are going to be somewhat strenuous because my ex announced that he will be moving back to live here. I hope that you will enjoy reading my essay which I simply named “Home….I am almost there.”

HOME….I AM ALMOST THERE

…so that when I finally open the door to my new home I know what to do and I know that everything from then on will be as it should. I also know that I won’t be crying anymore because my dream home will be filled with laughter…

As those of you who have read my essay “My Home or is it House” can recognize that the beginning was taken directly from that essay. What better way to start countdown to my new life than reminding myself of the dream I had last summer when I wrote it. I have less than the month left for that very magical moment of getting a new key to my rental townhouse. Even getting it was a complete miracle and I like to believe that it was direct result of universe giving me what I asked from my very heart.

I saw those townhouses in a winter time when I drove past them and realized that they were the only rental townhouses on that area where I wanted to move, and this feeling of belonging came over me. I called them few months back but nobody returned my call. Somehow I was not able forget them, even though changes for me getting one were very slim, since there are only about 30 units in a whole complex and people living there seem to be very well settled. However, because I am a rather determined individual and a dreamer I don’t usually let little practical issues to come my way, I just keep dreaming. That is the power of Law of Attraction, when you believe in something completely without any doubt and send all the goodness to the universe by believing in humanity and beauty of the world the good things will come to you when the time is right. The Law of Attraction truly works, and is one very powerful tool for us to transform our lives. But that will be the subject of another essay, right now I like to describe for you how it feels to find a home.

There I was, in a rain with my son walking down a path between the townhouses to the superintendents unit. We were both very excited and somewhat nervous. The townhouses looked little rundown and clearly the people living there are not exactly kind who take great pride to their surroundings. It is one thing to be short on money and struggle on everyday life but that does not give any excuse for not being clean. Being clean and putting some beauty to your surroundings can be something as simple as going out, picking up little flowers and putting them nicely on a windowsill behind the clean windows. It could even be the moment of raking the grass and pulling out weeds while having a refreshing drink at hand and a big smile on your face. Or how about spending some time cleaning inside the house, cherishing the few items that we have, the items we need, love and which bring joy to our lives. Then with happiness in our hearts our house becomes truly our home. After the chores are done we can sit down with a nice cup of well steeped tea, let out a big sigh, put our feet up and relax while enjoying the freshness, beauty, calm and happiness of our home. Everyone should always remember that the beauty is on the eye of the beholder, I am not talking about fancy house here but about the home that has been put together by the experience of our life; a home that speaks to us and reminds us of all the goodness, memories and joys in  our lives, a home that mirrors who we truly are.

After we knocked on that superintendents door, we heard this very loud barking of dogs inside. I sent out a little prayer that please don’t let the unit be beside him. So of course it wasn’t, but on the other building across. So in we went, we wandered from room to room and my son already was all excited choosing the bigger room for himself than that his sister would get. In a meanwhile I was utterly delighted to see that in a kitchen there was a perfect spot just underneath the window to put my high chair and that space was to be for my kids to do their homework while I cook, or for me putting a candle at night and sitting there writing letters with the glass of wine. Everything was pretty clean and luckily there was no carpets, only hardwood floors. And you are not going to believe this, there was a fenced backyard, very tiny for sure and extremely neglected and about half the size of  my current front lawn but so perfect. I can weed it in no time, if I put one flower in there it will really look beautiful because you can see it. With little effort and money, I will be able to transform that backyard to something wonderful, to something that makes it mine and reminds me of how lucky I am to be able have my dream of peaceful home come true.

I said to my son that it does not matter how the neighborhood looks like, we make our home beautiful and inviting and we will build our little life there for now temporarily, it is us who make a home not the neighbours. It is the three of us who from now on have power to transform that empty, foreign townhouse to a home that we can truly appreciate, and where we can finally after all these years relax without having to worry about what kind of atmosphere  is waiting when we come home. We are not going to be criticized, lied to and manipulated anymore, but we do have lots of work ahead of us to unlearn the old patterns of negativity learned from the past. Each one of us have to relearn to be kind, understanding and loving to each other now that the dominating negative force field has been removed from our lives. We have to realize that respect and honesty are the everyday normal not something you experience only on special occasions.

This moving requires several very practical aspects I have had to learn to deal with. It requires so much reality that I am ready to cry. There is the packing, the obvious chore which, by the way, is not that obvious for someone trying to get out from abusive relationship. When deciding what to pack, it is not only important to know what is it that you need but more important question is: Do you want to move memories? In my case, I don’t want any memories other than my children. So when for example choosing what to pack I did have to consider the situation when the item was bought and who took care of it and used it. I did not want any gardening tools because those we have shared, I did not want any furniture that we bought together, I definitely did not want any of his items that he brought to our marriage and I am not planning to take any plates etc, for those we chose together. And the washing machine that my parents actually bought and I chose as gift I can’t take either because he was few years back so ignorant that he stood on top of it and managed to scratch the top, so that every time I do laundry I remember him. By weeding out the memories, I have done serious downsizing on my physical property and I am just going to have to do without most of the things I am used to having. Then there is the question of bills, getting phone, internet, changing addresses on government documents etc. The list is endless and I have had several months of sleepless nights because of that. I also have to learn to buy insurances and balance the budget all on my own and I am sure that there are few surprises around the corner that luckily I don’t even know about yet.

However, when all this is said and done, I have to say that I would not have it any other way. I am so close to my dream, I did not end up on social housing at least not yet, and my entire life is about to change. It may be financially very hard, but that is nothing compared to my past which I am happily leaving behind. I have no regrets or sad thoughts over losing the house I am in now for all it represents for me is my past I rather forget. I will not dwell in memories of all the nights  I cried myself to sleep in this house. Nor do I have any emotional attachment to my material wealth for I have learned the hard way the importance of being surrounded by the people who truly love me, not the one that always hurts me. Finally, in few weeks I can say my goodbyes to this house and say hello to my new home. The difference this time around is that now I am so much wiser, so much more grateful for everything I have. Finally I can look way back with a long telescope for all those rather painful experiences that have allowed me to grow to this woman I am turning out to be without feeling any bitterness and anger for … my dream home will be filled with laughter…

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June 16, 2013 Rush Hours – Poem

Picture taken by KKMaiaraM

Hi Everyone,

Thank You for visiting Maiara Musings, and I hope that you had a great week. This week I was stuck in a traffic and the weather was very gray and rainy so while sitting on that long lineup of cars I took my notebook on my lap and this poem came to me. This business of divorce has been very hard on me and it seems that all the lessons I learn have to be hard way. I am hoping that they are not going to be too costly at the end. Also, a positive, or at least I thought it was positive u until I met with my lawyer, update to my life is that I did finally find housing for me and the kids. Now I am really worried that I might not get money on time to pay for the rent, since my ex is really fighting with everything. Well, I am just fighting panic with action and optimistic view of my future, at least I know for sure that at the end I will be divorced regardless and that nobody is going to hurt me emotionally anymore. I hope you will enjoy my poem.

PS: I have still not been able to figure out how could I format my poems the way I wish them, somehow I just don’t know how but I am working on it, maybe one day I will figure it out better.

Sincerely, Maiara

Rush Hour – Poem       Written by KKMaiaraM

Local radio news streaming into my brain……To the mind as foggy as the air….Dark thoughts falling…                               Like the rain from the sky

Endless lines of cars….Every street so jammed…. But nothing compared…..To the raising panic inside

Time is running…..I have no housing…..Two kids to feed…..Their needs to meet

I am softly crying…..Lots of thinking…..Lots of honking…..Everyone is rushing

I feel so alone on my way home…..Raindrops are a wonder of life…..So beautiful so plentiful…..                 I realize I  am not forlorn

Tunnel is part of my journey…..I am claustrophobic so dark and noisy…..It just reminds me of my housing…..And the reasons I am divorcing

Finally the traffic is moving…..But I am not moving for I have no housing…..And that, let me tell you…..     Is highly depressing

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June 2, 2013 SOLD – My house

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Hi Everyone,

Just a reminder that I changed my blog looks, but I hope it works for you. I am not entirely practical on these things. I did add an about page on top, so you might want to check it out.

This week I like to discuss the topic of divorce and living quarters. Since it is an inevitable part of separation that our way of life changes radically when we finally pull ourselves together and announce to the other party that enough is enough on our way to the lawyer’s office. I am absolutely certain that I belong to the vast majority of women who have become codependent over the course of their very unfortunate relationship with the abuser making this step seem like a undefeatable obstacle to our freedom and many are those who will not leave the relationship because they can’t see past this one monster of a step. I fully understand, it is very easy to find the comfort in an economical stability and established household. However, for those who have not read my essay “My house or is it home” I would recommend that you read it as well so that you will have clear definition between the house as opposed to home.

My ex was absolutely furious of course when I announced almost a year ago now that I am done talking I am leaving, then he got even more mad at me for not wanting to stay in a house. Our house is one where two families can live separately, upstairs is one and the downstairs is another full apartment, each floor having full kitchen and full laundry options and separate entrances, downstairs is great with big windows and walkout glass doors to the huge garden, whereas upstairs have beautiful solarium. So his idea was very tempting, very safe. I would not have to move at all and in a process we could pay off the mortgage, not to mention that kids would have both parents under the same roof. This, in my opinion is a solution from hell. If I am going to live in hell I might as well try to do it independently, how much worse can it get? So here I am soon to be homeless unless I pull myself together and find place for myself and kids to live by the end of July. But whatever mess I will land in it will be my mess and I will have the power to decide how to handle the situation.

The idea of living under the same roof when divorced might sound ideal for the children and most likely it could work for some, but never ever is it a good idea if one is getting out of abusive relationship. Children would not then get to see the daylight of normal life, for abuse would certainly not stop, it would just reappear in a different but equally harmful form. Only one benefiting from it would be the abuser, he could have it all. But children would forever be confused and manipulated not to mention that they would certainly be very smart and learn to play the game to get materially most from each parent and also if one parent says no all they have to do is run upstairs and certain yes will be awaiting. That I call a parenting nightmare. It is better for the children to live normal if materially poorer life and see how wonderful home can be and how they can also learn to laugh, relax and love again in normal terms. As for the abused she would be stuck in hell, because the tiny power she had while married is now buried under legal papers and by succumbing to his power in staying under same roof, she will never ever have any privacy, nor can she ever relax, because she is going to pay and she is going to be punished by him no matter what the law says. There are so many ways for them to punish us such a way that there is nothing but our word against their word at the end, and of course they are the better liars and so smooth man…… So if you are thinking of this option of sharing the housing after your divorce, think twice and please do not let material matters dictate your future.

Decision made, better to sell the house. Then what? There are many unknowns ahead and many mistakes to be made. I, as my lawyer can attest, have made many very costly decisions. And all of them are because after all these years I still trusted my ex. First the question of real estate agent, I did agree to one that is his friend since long time ago, and I also know him and happen to like him. The main reason was that my ex kept telling me that his friend has lower rates great except that my ex of course did not tell me that very short time ago the agent switched to another company thus having his fees increased considerably. I found out when we were already signing for his contract, and as my ex knows me, I would not break my promise in that situation. Lesson learned do your research and find agent that you can be comfortable with and do not trust whatever comes out from your ex’s mouth. I have to conclude on this matter that at the end I was very happy because he sold our house in 2 weeks and in a process I confessed to him how my ex treats me, and he also was witness to it anyway. We become friends and if I am fortunate enough in a future to buy my own little place, he will most certainly do a marvelous job finding me a new home.

So that taken care of, then came the question of renovation. Our house was indeed in need of repair and fixing but I was not really in favor for spending tons of money, just a little freshening up here and there. However, my ex came and told me that the real estate agent told it would be much better to renovate and we would get better price for the house. I pointed out that our solarium is problem and we can’t afford fixing it, smoothly, ever so smoothly he told me that it would not be a problem because it is extension according the agent. Now comes the part you can laugh for the fool. Against all my instincts I believed him yet again. How stupid one can be? So after several months of renovation hell, him trying to blackmail me out of the house by starting renovation everywhere at once, kids and me having to sleep on floor amidst horrendous dirt and mess while he took off to girlfriend every night and also spent several weekends just to go relax for a weekend trip. In a meanwhile me and the children were completely exhausted, dirty and sick and tired of take out with very little money from my part to spend. But listen to this, that was not even the worst part, after all said and done and house already on a market I randomly found out from our agent that he had particularly tried to talk my ex out of the renovation because we will never get our money back……..That piece of information was too much for me to bear and I almost threw up of the thought that I could have been out of the house months ago without having to put children through horrendous winter and all this because I was stupid enough to trust him AGAIN! Some lessons are just really hard to learn..

House is going for the market, nightmare of the renovation is behind, the guy has finally moved out of the house – I woke up for the first time single, happy on the day of my 20th wedding anniversary. What are the odds for that? Great, now you think it is smooth riding ahead. But no, my ex started by putting too high of a price for the house against the advice of agent and then he started rejecting offers, after two rejections, which he thought were too low even though I knew that the problems with the house will come and haunt us to eternity in a inspection and he is going to have to give in. Then we got third offer and after some very skillful shouting and pleading from my side against his threads telling me that he absolutely prefers to pay for the mortgage rather than for me he accepted the offer the house is finally sold. And I would do everything differently given another chance.

This is what I would give as an general advice for anyone in my situation.

1 – Trust your own instincts, always

2 – Do not trust the abuser, the one you are leaving, on anything, ever

3 – Do not give any excuses for not finding information by yourself. It does not matter how exhausted and tired you are, you have to be in charge. Always. If you are truly way beyond what you can handle, find a trustworthy person like a relative etc. to handle situation for you. Like checking on information that the other party is feeding you.

4 – Once you make up your mind, keep the focus on the end goal and do not go take side roads, just keep going straight and do one step at the time. No point wasting time on feeling sorry for yourself, being scared of the future, doubting your decisions. Focus on action and remember that the sun will come up tomorrow too.

5 – Selling the house and moving out is still the best option, even though you could financially keep to house to yourself. It is important to remember that when you are starting a new life you should start a NEW life, continuing in a house with so many memories is not the best of the options, easiest but not great.

6 – Be grateful that you have the chance to escape and start over, little things like house selling and law debates are just part of the process. The biggest, most meaningful move you ever do is the decision to leave.

7 – Be very proud of yourself and have faith on your future.

Now that my house is sold, I am hoping to find somewhere to live, I will be keeping you updated on that as time passes. I will be posting next Sunday again, thank you so much for taking your time and visiting Maiara Musings.

Sincerely

Maiara

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May 5, 2013 My House or is it Home – an Essay

Hi Everyone,

It seems fitting that since my house is finally just about to go for sale, I should go back in time to July 2012 when I wrote this essay to my lovely therapist. Her question was: What does word home mean to me?  I happen to have brain that works amidst chaos – inside my brain is more like criss crossing multiline highways in New York rush hours. Therefore I am not always capable of verbally expressing myself in clear and concise manner. I figured that if I can extract the information from my brain to the paper in clear format it means that I have indeed contemplated and internalized the issue and examined it from all the relevant angles thus giving an answer that is true to my beliefs and spirit.

When you read my essay, please keep in mind that at the time I wrote it I had not yet started the process of separation and divorce.  I am hoping that it leaves you with something to think about at the end of a day. I would also like to remind those who did not read my previous blog that I am only blogging on Sundays and I will not post anything at all during the rest of the week

Sincerely

Maiara

MY HOUSE, OR IS IT HOME?

An Essay, written by KKMaiaraM, July 2012

Very wise friend of mine just recently reminded me that there is a house and then there is a home. So what?! My house is my home, eh! Stop there…it is not that simple. House is actually a building, there is the roof and the walls and the floors and all the stuff in between. The house can be very humble or very fancy, it can be a townhouse or apartment or even a trailer. It can be located anywhere in the world, some are in the upscale neighbourhoods and some in the slums, but most, however, are somewhere in between. No matter what kind of house it is or where it is located, no matter how expensive or run down the living quarters are, only one thing remains unchanged: There are people living inside, and it is those individuals that define the word home.

Home is where you can be you, where the people you live with love and respect you, or where it is blissfully quiet if you happen to live alone. It is a place you can go to after a very long day and feel at peace, you don’t have to worry about being hurt or yelled at, nor you have to worry about being criticised or laughed at. At home you can sit and enjoy wonderful conversations, happiness and peace of mind. You can let go of all the layers of defence and pretence you put on in the morning when you stepped out of the door.

 The question therefore is this: Is my house a home? Let me think… it definitely is a house, a bit run down, in need of repair and in a good neighbourhood. But is it a home? No, my house is most certainly not a home for me. The only time I relax there is when my husband is traveling. Then, for a little while, I am a real person; someone who matters. What really worries me most though is my children. It is completely unimaginable that my rundown, messy and lately ever so dirty and unhappy house is the only place they can call home. How did I, a previously perfectly fine individual, end up providing my children such a sad definition of a home. I don’t know how I got here, but I certainly have decided that there must be a way out. Lets see then what can I do to change the situation.

 Have you ever heard of the saying “My house is my castle”, or how about  my version of it: “My house is my prison”, at least that is how I feel most of the time. All my dreams of growing happily old in that house and making it beautiful are crushed. I have no choice but to find the strength and courage to move out. Since moving out won’t happen overnight, it has made me realize something very important. More than being the prisoner inside the physical walls, I am a prisoner of my own mind. Until I can change my thinking patterns and also accept myself as I am, I will never find my way back to freedom where I can finally open the door to my beautiful new home.

 I don’t know about you, but I know exactly what my future home will be like. Trust me on this one, if I visualize and believe in my dream sincerely without any doubt and work very hard on other aspects of my life, I shall have my dream come true. I will have a small house with big windows and private little back yard. My backyard will be my garden of bliss, full of well-tended flower beds and couple of trees, preferably maple and birch, under which I have one very old-fashioned swing. And birds, so that I can wake up in the morning and have my tea sitting on that swing peacefully rocking back and forth with beautiful sounds filling my ears. Afterwards I enter my kitchen where the gentle movement of white lace curtains catches my eye and reminds me to water the herbs that I am religiously trying to grow on my windowsill. The house is so simple and quiet that one can feel the harmony and the flow of positive energy everywhere. There is nothing fancy or expensive but everything is clean and well taken care of with love. The wood floors with old-fashioned Scandinavian rugs are very clean and make the house ever so inviting. After taking care of those herbs of mine, and neatly putting away my tea-cup, it is time to start the day. I walk happily to my bedroom: My bedroom is filled with light, just like the rest of the house and has the same wood floors than the other rooms have. I now own to my great delight a “makeup table”, one of those small desks with big mirror and small drawers for makeup and everything else that I need to make myself look beautiful when I leave the house. The walls are decorated with pictures of the people I love and there in a corner I keep a basket of projects that I finally have time and confidence to do. My bed, of course, is big and very comfortable, but not too comfortable, I would not want to sleep away my newly found freedom because I already had missed out two decades of happiness in my previous life. This is my dream home, and if I get really lucky I will spend rest of my days there ever so happy with the man of my dreams.

My essay seems to have reached its end. But before the final word, there is one more point to make. If you read carefully, you might have realized that some people live in castles completely miserable and yet others may live in very poor conditions but so happy. Money just can’t buy happiness. It is us who make the difference. It does not matter if the dream home takes few years to come by, or that temporarily we might even end up with social housing, what matters is that we, the “homeless”, take action to change our lives. My action, starting today, is to continue my D-book – yes, A…., that is really funny – which contains the lists of all my possessions I am planning to take with me when I finally move out of this house. I will also start living the life I will have, it does not matter that I am still in a difficult situation. I will start building my new life inside my old life and that alone is very meaningful way to make me stronger and more determined. I choose to start cleaning and making my current house organized and inviting, I am, after all, still living in it with my children. There is just no excuse for me to dwell on my own misery anymore. From now on, I will practice for my future life; so that when I finally open the door to my new home I know what to do and I know that everything from then on will be as it should. I also know that I won’t be crying anymore because my dream home will be filled with laughter.

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